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Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.

So, my mom got me this road rage megaphone for Christmas which is funny for a number of reasons.

The first reason is because I hardly EVER cuss in front of my mom. Every once in awhile I’ll let a random F-bomb drop if I’m talking passionately talking about something (POLITICS!) or I’ll let a random “shit” slide out (heh, heh, heh) but for the most part, none of those words. And it’s not even like I TRY to not cuss, it’s like I get in front of her and this Bad Word Filter is thrust into my brain and those words get stuck there till we’re in the car on the way home when they all come pouring out in a river of verbal diarrhea.

So the best part was she handed it to me with a HUGE smile on her face and was like, “I saw this and immediately thought of you and knew you had to have it.”

I opened it and was kind of confused about what it was till I pressed the first button and a man at volume level 830,482 screamed HEY, GET YOUR FUCKED UP PIECE OF CRAP OUT OF MY WAY. And the entire room was quiet for about 3 seconds before we all started cracking up and my mom yelled PRESS ANOTHER BUTTON!

So I did.

UH, ARE YOU DRIVING THAT PIECE OF SHIT TO THE DUMP!?

And my mom laughed. And I was like, “What alternate reality are we in right now!?”

Have I told you all about how I’ve been begging Ben for like 10 years now to PLEASE let me put a police style blow horn on my car and he lists off these lame reasons I’m not allowed to to that?

1) It’s illegal.
2) I’d get shot.
3) Or run off the road.
4) Or arrested.
5) Apparently he believes that sometimes people don’t need to know what I’m thinking which I think is just silly. I let HIM know what I’m thinking at the times so why would I deny the general public that great pleasure!?

But lets be realistic here. I believe that if you see some dumb teenager on the phone and you have the ability to call her out on it and POLITELY ask her to GET OFF THE GODDAMN PHONE, YOU TWIT then she would be so embarrassed about being called out that she’d actually get off the phone. And probably flip me off. But STILL! That hand would be flipping the bird, then end up BACK ON THE WHEEL instead of holding the phone to her ear!

YOU’RE WELCOME, WORLD.

Alas, he’s put his foot down and denied me this one simple wish. That’s okay though because now I have this awesome little megaphone so that I can wait for it to be really quite, or a really serious moment in a movie, or when he’s leaning in to give me a sweet kiss and…

COME ON, GET OUT OF THE WAY YOU FUCKING MORON.

Best. Present. Ever.

3 Comments on Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.

  1. Terri
    Monday, February 4th, 2013 at 11:58 pm (2 years ago)

    I fucking love you.

  2. Caity
    Tuesday, February 5th, 2013 at 2:23 am (2 years ago)

    Omg you are amazing

  3. Angie
    Thursday, February 7th, 2013 at 9:34 am (2 years ago)

    That is fucking incredible.

    TURN SIGNAL ARE NOT OPTIONAL, FUCKTARD!

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