Mostly it’s the endorphins.

I don’t know if you know this but I’ve started running. Specifically, I’m on Week 3 of Couch to 5K. If you follow me on twitter and Facebook you know this because every time I do a run I’m like HEY EVERYBODY I RAN LOOK HERE IS HOW FAR AND HOW LONG AND HOW FAST AND I AM SO AWESOME YEAH!

Mostly it’s the endorphins posting.

Mostly.

It’s also partly that I just want the acknoledgement that I actually went out there and moved myself forward in a fast pace. Faster than my normal pace which is NO PACE.

There seems to be a lot of bloggers that have found a love of running and my most favorite by far is Miss Zoot. I LOVE her attitude. She’s REAL about how HARD it is to run. And I understand there are people out there that just have a body that RUNS. It just WORKS. I do not have one of those bodies. I get HORRIBLE shin splints if I don’t wear my neoprene wraps on my legs. If I don’t hydrated REALLY WELL and make sure I have a good amount of calories in me, I bonk hard on the last sprint or two.

I might be there one day. I’ll strap on my shoes, plug my headphones in, hit the trail and be zen. For now every step is a battle, every sprint is a war and at the end I feel like the motherfucking badass that stormed the castle, killed the giant lizard and wins the heart of the princess.

Mostly it’s the endorphins. They are totally awesome.

Also awesome? The tan lines…

Either you run the day or the day runs you.

I promised in a past post that I’d update you all on this weight loss thing and how it’s going. So here we go.

I’ve lost 31.5 pounds and 10% body fat. That’s a lot of fat. The last time I was at the gym I picked up a 30 pound weight just to see what it felt like and my body goaned and my heart skipped and my head exploded. 30 pounds is HEAVY!

A lot of people in real life always dance around The Question. The “What did you weight to start” question. I’ve never really understood that. Like, why is The Weight Question something that people are so reluctant to answer? It’s a number. It doesn’t define your self worth. It doesn’t MEAN anything to anybody but the person answering the question. I think that most women are scared to answer it, especailly when a skinnier person is asking, because women are SO OBSESSED with that number. It’s like a competition. It’s not. Women, seriously, stop it. I’d rather be 140 pounds of lean muscle mass than 105 pounds of weak emaciated limbs. The Number has a different meaning for evey person and using it to gain some kind of psychological upper hand is lame and catty and why 81% of the female population bugs the shit out of me.

Last September, a few days before my birthday, I got on the scale for the first time in MONTHS AND MONTHS and expected to weight MAYBE 200 pounds. I weighed 230. My body groaned and my heart skipped a beat and my head exploded. It’s a general theme. That wasn’t even the worst part. Ben and I made the collective decision to Get Healthy so we went to the gym and I ran for two minutes and had to stop because I felt like I was going to FUCKING DIE RIGHT THERE OMG. I couldn’t believe how out of shape I was. I was ashamed and sad and SCARED.

Today, four months later I weigh 197.6 which is progress! But still around 40 pounds from where I think a healthy weight is for me. I’ll never be 120 pounds again and, honestly, I don’t ever want to be that tiny. I want muscles. I want strong powerful legs and biceps and CURVES. I don’t think I’d make a good skinny girl.

I feel better, my clothes fit better, I’m stronger, I’m a better me. It hasn’t been easy. When the first pounds come off you feel GREAT. You are MOTIVATED and AWESOME and YEAH! Then you hit a wall. I haven’t lost any weight in the last two weeks and I have to keep reminding myself that I’m STRONGER. I have muscles now that I didn’t have before but it’s still easy to fall into that little lull that leads back to The Quitting. I set a challenge for myself this week to do intense cardio every day. For me this will be TurboJam kicking my ass.

One of the hardest parts of this entire journey so far has been what I see as a personal defeat: The Running. I LOVE to run. I love the sound of my feet hitting the ground, the feeling of air deep down in my lungs, the empty mind as I focus on breathing and getting to my next goal. It’s therapeutic and I love it. I’ve come leaps and bounds from that first two minute run. Cardiovascularly, I think I could run MILES but my shins start to ache after the first mile. Like, BAD ACHE. Like, have consistent pain for the week following. Like, actually limp up and down stairs for the next three days. I can’t begin to explain how frustrating this is to me. I feel like I have failed. My body is failing me.

So here’s my plan. My final effort. I’m going to give this one last try force my body with all my might to shape the fuck up. I’m ordring some shin compression wraps as soon as I’m done posting this and as soon as they get here my run will look like this.

1) Wear compression wraps
2) 10 minute FAST walk to warm my muscles up.
3) 1 mile run at 5.5 MPH (I can go faster but I want a baby step here)
4) IMMEDIATELY ice. Like, get off the treadmill, stretch, drive home, ICE.
5) Aspirin!
6) See how I am the next day.

This is pretty much my last ditch effort. I can’t tell you how bad I want this to work. I just can’t.

Till then, the rest of this week will look like this:

Wednesday: TurboJam Cardio Party
Thursday: Core training at home on the ball with the medicine ball & AbJam
Friday: Gym (cardio and upper body. Have I mentioned I’m addicted to my new bicep muscles?)
Saturday: TurboJam Cardio Party
Sunday: Core training at home on the ball with the medicine ball & AbJam
Monday: Gym (cardio and upper body)

We’ll see how that goes. I want my legs to be completely rested (from weight training at least) when I go for that first run.

AND! Now I’ve gone on a lot longer than I meant to.

Night!

PS – I might start doing some videos they way Julie is. I love watching them and I like the idea of being 1) accountable, and 2) able to look back later and see the change in body and attitude.

PSS – Talk me out of getting a fourth tattoo. Seriously. It’s been on my mind a lot lately.