Television is to news what bumper stickers are to philosophy.

I’m exhausted. This is actually pretty normal for a Friday night but this week it’s worse because I spent the last two days at work trying to catch up for the two days I laid on the couch with a fever and scared to turn my head because the wave of resulting nausea was crippling.

No, I am not pregnant. I think it was just a flu bug and it sucked. Balls.

I hate staying home during the week. I hate that I am so swamped at work that when I come back there is ALL THIS STUFF, TWO DAYS WORTH, that I have to take care of RIGHT THIS SECOND. And then the days of playing catch up afterwards. But more than that, I just, home is BORING! At least Ben was here so I didn’t have to talk to the wall, or the dogs, or the remote… but still! I wasn’t really in a talking mood and for some reason as bad as I felt I couldn’t get much sleep and I couldn’t move my eyes to read (WAVE OF CRIPPLING NAUSEA) which left me with *sinister music* DAY. TIME. TV.

Now, I’m just going to lay this out there: I love The Young and the Restless.

THERE I SAID IT, OKAY!

I’ve been watching it for YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS and it’s a guilty pleasure I don’t often talk about out loud. Ever. To anybody. I can’t even talk to Ben about it because any time I try to watch a DVR’d episode he rolls his eyes with such force that it knocks the pictures off the walls. IN CHINA. Actually, I’m pretty sure the BP oil leak in the gulf was caused by Ben rolling his eyes when I turned on an episode of The Young and the Restless.

Other than that show though day time TV is PAINFUL and at one point I woke up from a short nap and The Maury Show was on and the remote was like, THREE WHOLE FEET AWAY, and I just didn’t have the willpower or the mental capacity to REACH ALL THE WAY OVER THERE to turn the channel.

About 10 minutes in I started to shake and broke out in a cold sweat and I think my braincells were starting to march, single file, out of my ear to GET AWAY FROM THE MAURY SHOW. AT ALL COSTS. There’s only so many times a person can watch a girl having a FOURTH MAN DNA tested to attain the proud job of deadbeat baby daddy before they break. Somebody has to be this kid’s dad! Like, I’m totally behind the closing of Guantanamo Bay now because all we really need to do is lock a person in a cell with a 60 inch TV screen playing The Maury Show. I give them 10 minutes MAX before they break. PROBLEM SOLVED! MILLIONS OF DOLLARS SAVED!

I need to write this shit down more often. America would be so much better off.

Also: Working on and off on a new theme for the site so if you come and things look broken or ugly, it’s because of that. Or Ben went and rolled his eyes again, either way.

But it’s probably Ben’s fault.

I’m just saying!

In which I declare the rest of us Gods.

On the way into work this morning the DJs were talking about John Mayer’s recent switch from twitter to tumblr. John made a post on his tumblr talking about how much better it was than twitter because it’s conversational structure is better:

I love reading other Tumblr users replies, because they’re thoughtful by virtue of the fact that if they’re not, they’ll bring the intellectual property value of their own blog down, and that’s a commodity on Tumblr.

Now, John actually has a point here. I can imagine for somebody like him the sheer amount of @replies you get can be OVERWHELMING. And especially for douchebags like John Mayer it’s got to get a little old checking your @replies and having to hear about what a tool you are. But you know, I guess that twitter just likes to keep it real and John Mayer IS A TOOL.

Now, I read this post he made about twitter and how he was over it when he first posted it and just rolled my eyes because it was just more of John Mayer being the self-important ass that he is. Reading that post it was clear that he never used twitter for what it was meant to be used for. It never asked “How my I help you in further inflating your ego today, John?”

The thing that really bugged me this morning was how the DJs didn’t know what tumblr was and thus dubbed John “technologically advanced” for being “ahead of the social networking game” and I’m sorry but, WHAT THE FUCK?

John Mayor showed up on twitter THREE YEARS AFTER IT LAUNCHED. Long after the day of the FailWhale, and COLOR WARS (TEAM #FF1CAE FOR LIFE) and wouldn’t know what to do with twitter if it didn’t have search and trending topics. Do you remember that? Being able to search tweets was BIG NEWS for us geeks when it was introduced!

He joined twitter after it became popular and “the place to be” on the web and only after other “A Listers” started getting media attention because of it. And probably only because his publicist was tired of having to listen to his elitist bullshit every day and wanted to give him some other outlet to have his cock ego stroked while also injecting him into the cool new trend. Reading his tweets and blogs make my brain swell. I’m pretty sure he pays somebody to follow him around with a thesaurus. BIG WORDY PRETENTIOUS POSTS! HE HAS THEM!

And now he’s joined tumblr. Well great! WELCOME TO 2007! Dude is SO AHEAD OF THE GAME!

I joined twitter December 30th, 2006.
John joined twitter January 30th, 2009.

I joined tumblr in late 2007.
John first posted to tumblr November 12th, 2009.

If John Mayer is technologically advanced because in the last year he’s started to utilize software that’s FOUR YEARS OLD then most of my online friends are technological fucking savants. No, GODS!

No, just BETTER THAN JOHN MAYER!

Which isn’t saying a lot.

Because it’s John Mayer.

#TeamTaylor

Because you are going to be sick of hearing it by the end of the day I’m just going to get it all out of my system now.

I’ve never purchased any of Kanye West’s music because I think he’s a worl class douchebag. And the thing is, I actually love some of his music but I WILL NOT give my money to an artist that I think doesn’t deserve it. I’d download it illegally, of course, but even having his music on my system would make me feel dirty.

I was just flabbergasted by what he did to poor Taylor Swift last night. Just, speechless. It wasn’t until his apology that I REALLY got heated. Seriously, THAT’S an apology!?

I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!

So because you gave YOUR AWARD to Outkast, YOUR AWARD THAT YOU WON, it’s okay for you to stand up and give Taylor Swifts’s award away too?! An award that you didn’t win! An award that she deserved and WON. A 19 year old girl’s first VMA. A 19 year old girl who used to dream as a little girl of one day WINNING THAT VERY AWARD!?

Also, when in the hell is MTV going to stop letting this guy be a douche? Remember he interrupted the 2006 MTV Europe Music Awards when he lost to Simian and claimed his clip should have won? Remember in 2007 how he didn’t win for a single one of his five nominitations and got his feelings all hurt and said he was going to boycott MTV and hever show is face there again ranting and raving backstage like a fool. Then he realized that, you know, he kinda NEEDS MTV and got over that. Then THIS!?

Seriously, MTV, grow some balls and take a stand and stop letting Kanye make a fool out of you. There’s a reason nobody watches the network anymore. Letting assholes be assholes is just one in a long line of reasons.

Okay, I’m going to step off my soap box now and I’ll just conclude with:

Pink is my hero. Go to iTunes immediately and download her newest stuff. She’s brilliant. She works her ass off up there AND REALLY SINGS!

Also, Beyonce is a dancing singing fool! Girl rocked the show. Hard.

I am so awesome that it’s like a VORTEX OF AWESOME that is SO STRONG it can SUCK PEOPLE THROUGH THE TUBES OF AWESOMENESS and land them on my AWESOME WEB PAGE.

On July 6th, 2009 I posted the following comment on this post about what an idiot Kathy Lee Gifford is. I wanted to give fair warning so that people would understand that my BLOG is NOT a CONTACT FORM to get a message to either Kathy Lee Gifford or Hoda Kotb. Clearly, the message didn’t seem to make it through.

Dear Internet People,

This is a BLOG POST and is not, in any way, some kind of contact form to get ahold of Hoda or Kathy. STOP LEAVING YOUR CRAZY ASS INSANE fanmail here.

ESPECIALLY IF IT’S IN ALL CAPS AND FULL OF LOL SPEAK. U GOTZ ME?!

This is your warning: From now on if you try to use my BLOG COMMENTS as an attempt to contact either of them I’ll repost it in a blog on the front page and include all your contact info and encourage people to send you goatse and other non-welcome emails. THEN MAYBE YOU WILL GET THE POINT.

Thanks,
The Management

So here you go, reader. Sure it’s not a comment talking about how OMGAWESOME Hoda or Kathy are and it’s not in ALL CAPS but I did make a threat and I intend to follow through. Also, yesterday was a busy day and I kinda needed the laugh. Also, THE GRAMMAR!

*shudder*

New comment on your post #1075 “Dear Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb,”
Author : Geneve Honrbuckle (IP: 66.0.47.5 , 66.0.47.5)
E-mail : genevehornbuckle@yahoo.com
URL :
Whois : http://ws.arin.net/cgi-bin/whois.pl?queryinput=66.0.47.5
Comment:
Koda, I sorry about what I heard you say on the July 27th show about the incident in Cambriag when the professor refussed to show ID that he was a resident there. It sounded a little like you were doing some rasical profiling toward police officers when they were trying to protect this mans property. I just thing it is a shame that we are already to blame the ones who are out there trying to protect us everyday. I saw a pictice once of a police office looking down a very dark alley and the caption said You would’t go down that alley for a million dollars, but he goes down it for a whole lot less. I think that say a lot.

And not to be outdone, just today I got an email from Vicki and MAN WAS IT AWESOME. It was probably the best comment I’ve ever gotten. It was so awesome that I’m thinking about printing and framing it so that I can hang it on the wall in the living room. Maybe what I should do is start gathering all these fabulous little gems in a shrine. That way when people come over to visit I can be all, “Look how AWESOME I AM! I am so awesome that it’s like a VORTEX OF AWESOME that is SO STRONG it can SUCK PEOPLE THROUGH THE TUBES OF AWESOMENESS and land them on my AWESOME WEB PAGE.”

Yeah. That’s what I’ll do.

Author : Vicki (IP: 70.234.152.84 , adsl-70-234-152-84.dsl.tul2ok.sbcglobal.net)
E-mail : dixieduo@sbcglobal.net
URL :
Whois : http://ws.arin.net/cgi-bin/whois.pl?queryinput=70.234.152.84
Comment:
Dear Kathy Lee and Hoda

I am disturbed that so many women said that about Sarah Palin. The way I see it she didn’t set women back she advanced them. I believe she did the best she could and jumped out there in the light and so she didn’t win she still made the effort. I haven’t seen any other women jumping out and going for it. Give her some slack. Look in your own family closets and realize that she is like all of us. Average American Family with all the faults like everyone else, but she took the chance and that my friends says it al.

It was so awesome, in fact, that I felt it warranted an awesome response so I sent this back.

Vicki,

If you had taken a few seconds to read the comments on my blog post about Kathy and Hoda you’d have seen that I am in NO WAY affiliated with them. They will never see the comment you just left because, as I state VERY CLEARLY, it’s MY blog, not an email form to get ahold of them.

That being said…

I’m going to name off a few people who’s names you might be familiar with:

Condoleezza Rice
Hillary Rodham Clinton
Sandra Day O’Connor
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Nancy Pelosi

Those are all very powerful women in the US political system and all of them fought to get to where they are today. Meaning: They didn’t ride the coat tails of a more powerful man to get there. Well, I guess you could say that Hillary did that in some respect BUT she didn’t just QUIT when things didn’t work out for her. She picked herself back up, fought for what she believed in and made a name for HERSELF. And she ran HERSELF for president. How in the hell is it that you can sit there and say that no other women are “going for it”? I assume Kathy and Hoba said something to upset you but I can tell you, it’s never good to present an opposing view with completely biased and false information.

Before being handed the VP nomination 99.78% of the American population had no idea who the hell sarah Palin was! Now she’s not even a politician. She’s a just a normal citizen like you and me. Because she gave up. Sure she can try and run again for something but there’s a fat chance after her record and her pathetic public showing during her “going for it” stage so she doesn’t really stand a good chance of being elected for ANYTHING anymore. She decided that making a lot of money was more worth it to her.

Also, you might try searching for the official Today show page for Kathy and Hoda. I’d assume NBC.com would be a good place to start…

Sometimes these little gems land in my inbox and it really wouldn’t be fair of me to keep them to myself.

So.

ENJOY!

It. Is. FEBRUARY.

I had to go to campus today to get my annual TB test. If you work for the hospital you have to have one every year. It’s some kind of Supreme Bullshit Rule handed down by some Supreme Bullshit Hospital Ruler. The thing is, I DON’T WORK AT THE HOSPITAL! I don’t even work FOR the hospital, I work for the PHYSICIANS but apparently they’re all totally against that SEMANTICS stuff and are all pissy and threaten to withhold your paycheck if you don’t have the test done. Normally with something like this I’d not get it in protest of The Supreme LAMENESS but when they threaten to take away my money I fold like *insert witty folding thing here*. I work about a mile off campus and the only time I ever set foot in the hospital is for my annual TB test!

The good thing (to me, I guess this really depends on how much you hate blood) is that they just draw blood now instead of the normal prick that you have to have checked again within three days. But they take THREE VIALS of blood for ONE TB test?! I really don’t think so. I’m pretty sure they are testing for drugs too but unless they look down on quadruple doses of Tylanol Sinus I’m pretty sure I’m okay in that department.

A few months ago they had a fleet of nurses come to our off site building to administer flu shots. I was here that day but REALLY busy and the line was REALLY long and by the time I remembered to head over, they had already packed up. So when I was there today the Occupational Health Nurse Nazi screamed:

Nurse Nazi(NN): YOU NEVER HAD YOUR FLU SHOT!!
Me: It’s FEBRUARY! I think that flu season is pretty much over.
NN: You have to have a flu shot.
Me: It. Is. FEBRUARY.
NN: You have to have a flu shot.
Me: February.
NN: Flu shot.
Me: I don’t want it.
NN: You don’t WANT IT?!
Me: I would like to NOT have the flu shot. Isn’t there some kind of paperwork I can fill out to NOT have the it? Certainly you can’t FORCE somebody to take a flu shot.
NN: You have to have a valid medical reason or a religious belief against medicine, use of animal products or…
Me: Yeah, I have that, I want to not get the shot because of the animal thing.
NN: *sigh* Fine. You’ll have to fill out this paperwork.
NN: *pulls out a fucking EPIC NOVEL of paperwork so thick the staple hardly sticks through the back*
Me: Are you serious?
NN: *looks at me*
Me: Fine, I’ll just get the shot.
NN: There is still paperwork you have to fill out.
Me: I’d like to do whatever requires me to do the least amount of paperwork.

Had I actually been thinking I’d have double checked WHO would be giving me that shot. Turns out, it was the Nurse Nazi. And it hurt. And the slight smile as she shoved the plunger down a little bit faster than necessary gave her away, she enjoyed it. Also, I’d have remembered that last year I had that bastard shot and I got so sick that I missed an entire week of work and wrote out my last will and testament because I was certain such agony could only be caused by a DEATH PLAGUE.

When I got back to my office this was the exchange via google chat:

me: Motherfuckers made me get the flu vaccine too.
Benjamin:
well, although it hurts like a mofo, maybe it will help you
Sent at 1:58 PM on Thursday
me: Help me be PISSED!
Benjamin: heh
seriously
me: I don’t have the flu. I have a sinus headache!
Benjamin: well
you don’t know exactly what you have
(to be objective)
you’re guessing
(dr hirsch)
heh
me: If I get sick now I’m going to go down there and vomit on the carpet in occupations health’s office.
And be all “SEE THAT! THAT’S WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR FLU SHOT!”
Benjamin:: glad you’re taking this well
hehe
me: