Tag Archives: marriage

Split Finances: The Why

Ben is a planner. He likes to plan and make spreadsheets and know what’s happening before it happens.

I am not. I’m more of a fly by the seat of my pants person. I don’t necessarily care what’s happening next and if I have to think about it too much I start to worry about it and try to assess all the worst case scenarios that might pop up and then I shut down and end up eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s in the closet at 1:00AM.

These two different styles of thought apply to MANY things. Finances, for instance! So for the longest time Ben had been in charge of our finances. I kept a general eye on the bank account and I had general ideas how much we paid for things but I had no idea when they were due or how much he might have budgeted for any of it. Because of this we had an agreement in place that if either of us was going to spend over $X.XX we’d talk to the other person first. Ben was REALLY good about this. I was NOT. Again, I’m a fly by the seat of my pants person, remember!

The last straw came when I was Kirklands about six months ago and ALL THE THINGS were on sale so I ended up spending about $180 on stuff for the house. I had FULLY INTENDED on telling Ben about it that night but then, you know, life. So he was rightfully pretty upset when he saw it.

After we talked more calmly about it we both realized that it might be better for us to split finances.* We both have different passions. For Ben, it’s his M3, for me, it’s makeup and planners and making the house cute and etc. It was really hard to budget because we were both trying to push for our different wants AFTER our needs were met. I REALLY want Ben to be able to peruse his passion. I love seeing him get enjoyment out of something he loves so much. And I know that Ben wanted the same for me and this really was the best way for us to BOTH get what we wanted. He doesn’t have to explain where the money came from for all the car parts that are currently living in our workout room and I don’t have to explain to him why I NEEDED to buy the entire aisle of clear storage at the Container Store to organize my Washi tape by color and size.

So, that’s the WHY. Next time I’ll get into the How we make it work for both of us.

*This is a huge glossing over of what happened. Ben suggested it. I was like THAT IS TOTALLY NOT FAIR YOU MAKE DOUBLE WHAT I DO FUCK YOU AND YOUR HUGE INCOME! It took me a few days to realize I was being DUMB. I spent a lot of time reading about different ways that couples handled it and the thought of being able to spend whatever I want on whatever I want and not having to explain why was what I had always wanted so reacting the way I did was pretty ridiculous. Luckily, I have pretty much the most patient husband in the history of all husbands and he gave me time to realize this on my own and only said “I told you so” about 47 times.

The secret to a happy marriage is passive aggressive notes left in the bathroom. You’re welcome.

Awhile ago I posted this on Facebook because somebody in my house had committed the Unforgivable Sin.

WRONG!

I let it go for awhile but just the other day somebody else comitted the Unforgivable Sin and I had to remind those that life within my home that this sin is NOT ACCEPTABLE and is punishable by sudden death. Or really painful wedgies. Or really loud yelling. Or SUDDEN DEATH.

To which I was greeted last night by this:

OMG I CAN NOT EVEN.

That was his “elegant solution”. My elegant solution was brain matter all over the living room walls when my GODDAMN HEAD BLEW UP FROM FURY.

He looked at me like there wasn’t even a big glob of my brain about to drip off his face and was all..

Ben: What? You are so crazy about the “right way” and I don’t want to have to guess the right way so PROBLEM SOLVED.
Me: THE. PROBLEM. IS NOT SOLVED. I CAN’T EVEN. FORM WORDS.
Ben: Now there is no “wrong” way because there ISN’T a way.
Me: NO. WORDS.
Ben: *shrug*

So today I solved this little issue:

Problem: SOLVED.

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.

So a question was posed on a message board about your feelings and if you share them with your S/O and it reminded me about a conversation that Ben and I had one night over margaritas and mexican food. I don’t remember EXACTLY the situation I had explained to him but I remember telling him how I had over reacted to something he had done but rather than tell him, decided to wait to see how I felt later that day. Looking back I could see that I was acting slightly nutcase-ish but we were talking about my mood swings in general. The gun part of the conversation is real and makes me crack up even today.

Copy/pasting my forum post:

I trust Ben explicitly so he’s always who I turn to when I’m feeling like I need to talk.

I’m not always the best person to be “in tune” to what I’m actually feeling about something in the heat of the moment. I suffer REALLY bad mood swings when I’m PMSy (like bordering on PMDD) and there are times when I know that I’m probably over reacting in the “feelings” department so I usually wait an hour and reassess how I feel. Sometimes I’m like, WOW TOTALLY OVER REACTED THERE! Or if I feel like I was justified in feeling the way I did, then I can tell him and he’s always REALLY open to listening to me. There are even times I tell him about the over reacting.

Me: Hey guess what. When you were doing the dishes earlier and you put them in the dishwasher wrong even though I’ve explained it you to a BILLION times I wanted to take the turkey baster and shove it up your ass, suck out your internal organs and feed them to you for dinner. HA! ISN’T THAT FUNNY!?
Ben: *blink* *blink*
Me: But see, I THOUGHT about it and looking back I can see that I was probably being a little reactionary.
Ben: And this is why we don’t keep guns in the house.
Me: To keep me from killing you or you from killing me?
Ben: Yes.
Me: *nods*

I like that we can laugh about the fact that I’m a psychotic nutjob.

It was NOT like this in the beginning. I can’t even imagine how Ben put up with me and my walls. I was so closed off to my own feelings there was no way for me to express them to other people without completely screwing it all up and either pissing everybody off or sounding like a complete jackass. And this is not to say that I’m perfect about this now because I am SO NOT. It’s still something that I struggle with and try to work on. It’s BETTER now but I still have quite a bit of room for improvement and I’m sure that Ben can see that much more than I do because now he can read me like a book and is, in a majority of the cases, better at assessing my feelings that I am.

Yesterday I twittered how every day I’m reminded how lucky I am to have such an amazing husband and it’s true. Every single day he does something to make me love him more, trust him more, value him more… and I know I’m not always the best at reminding him of that. He asked me what I meant when I twittered and I didn’t have the words at the time to properly explain what I meant so here it is:

I’m reminded every day what an amazing man I’ve married… because he hasn’t shot me yet.

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