Tag Archives: Hans

Blogmas Day 3: HANS IS HOME!

Hans tore a hole in Cassidy’s window screen FOUR MONTHS ago. We spent a lot of time looking for him and once I thought I saw him run into a yard in the cul-de-sac across from us but it was 5:00AM and I wasn’t comfortable getting all up in the bushes in front of a neighbors front window at that time.

Then last night we didn’t go to a Christmas party and Ben happened to be outside and saw him streak across our driveway! He ran after him which freaking Hans out so Ben sat down and just started calling to him and Hans ran right over! Ben called me and yelled BRING CAT TREATS COME OUTSIDE NOW. Ben wasn’t able to grab him but when I threw a few treats down he walked right up to me and nuzzled into my chest. I carried him home.

When I brought him upstairs Cassidy didn’t believe me but Hans ran over to her and didn’t leave her side for the entire night. He ate and fell asleep almost instantly and has been sleeping most of the day. It’s been SO COLD outside and he’s SO skinny so I imagine the next few days are going to be spent mostly eating and sleeping on her cozy warm bed with is favorite human companion.

He’s pretty smelly so I’m about to go give him a sponge bath because I hate to traumatize him with a full real bath right now. Then I’ll flea treat him. We have him quarantined in Cassidy’s room in case he picked something up out there and I’m going to make an appointment to get him in to see the vet and get checked out.

But he’s HOME! Safe and warm and with a full belly.

BEST. CHRISTMAS. GIFT. EVER.

Hans is home. Skinny, cuts on his face, can't get enough love from Cassidy. ??

Like cats and dogs.

Hans

Hans does not like the dogs. Like, not even a little. Specifically he does not like Kumo because while Danica will just ignore that Hans exists like all other living things, whenever Kumo sees Hans he basically flips his shit. OMG LOOK IT’S HANS WHAT IS HANS DOING IS HANS GOING TO COME IN HERE PERHAPS IF I RUN AT HIM LIKE A LUNATIC HE WILL LIKE ME FINALLY!

We dance a delicate little dance here every day in which we have to make sure that Hans is nowhere in sight if the dogs come upstairs and Hans will only come downstairs after the dogs are in our room for the night. Every morning at the disgusting hour of 5:00AM he meets me at the bottom of the stairs so we can discuss important matters such as who we’re going to vote for in the upcoming primary election, how best to solve the Israeli Palestinian conflict, and which faucet hardware we think will best match the new vanity in the downstairs bathroom. Or I just sprinkle some catnip on the ground and watch him writhe around in a stoned frenzy.

So it wasn’t out of the ordinary when I came downstairs last night at 11:00PM, because I got a call from Cassidy asking to be picked up after the homecoming game, to find Hans down there ready to chat. I had just woken up from a blissfully deep sleep and kind of stumbled towards the door trying not to trip over the dog beds and toys and was completely thrown off when Hans ran out the door when I opened it.

I immediately dropped my phone and clutch on the floor and ran out the door after him. Luckily I was able to grab him without a lot of trouble while he was still in the front yard and ran back towards the front door just in time to see the dogs come barreling down the stairs and towards the front door. This, of course, caused Hans to freak the fuck out and so I grabbed the door and slammed it shut in front of me.

So there I am, outside in a long tshirt and knee high socks, no phone to call Ben, no way I can open the front door and no way I can put Hans down even though he’s currently trying to claw my face off.

I opened the door about an inch and called for Ben (not too loud because I don’t want the neighbors to think I’m crazy) to call the dogs upstairs but Ben doesn’t answer because he’s BLISSFULLY ASLEEP like I should be at 11:00PM. This is not working.

So I get the idea to use the keypad to open the garage door thinking I’ll just drop Hans in the there till I can get back from picking Cassidy up and deal with it then. Except once the garage door is closed and I can finally let go of the animal that had chosen to impale his claws into my side like a goddamn velociraptor, I go to open the door to the house and OF COURSE it’s locked because why would the door NOT be locked at 11:00PM at night!?

MOTHERFUCKER

The next few ideas are not good ones.

Put the cat in the M3 till I can get inside and get the dogs upstairs? A gif of Ben’s head exploding over and over again running through my head means NO.

Put the cat in the Volkswagon? Again, NO.

Put the cat in my car, pick up Cassidy, deal with it when I get home? Nope! Key is in the clutch inside the front door!

Try and open the garage door and get out without letting Hans out?! HAHAHHHAHHAHHA NO.

LET ME IN!

So I pick him up while trying to keep a tight grip on all the pointy parts and open the garage door, walk to the front door, open it an inch and start yelling at Ben at the top of my lungs because fuck the neighbors I’m over this comedy act.

As I’m screaming at the top of my lungs in my long tshirt and knee high socks while holding my cat that’s screeching equally as loud and trying to eat my ear with his last means of defense I hear footsteps behind me because this is the exact moment that a group of teenage boys choose to walk past my house.

BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE IS A GROUP OF WITNESSES.

Ben finally calls the dogs upstairs and I’m able to detach Hans’ teeth from the side of my face and finally, FINALLY, he is inside the house.

When I got home from picking Cassidy up I walked upstairs and stood in the hallway where I could see Hans on Cassidy’s bed, Danica on her bed and Kumo in bed with Ben. All of them just chilling there like nothing happened and everybody was just swell and I finally flipped.

I pointed at Hans and yelled, “YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.”

I pointed at Danica and yelled, “YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.”

I pointed at Kumo and yelled, “YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.”

“YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES!”

Then Ben yelled at me to be quiet LIKE I WAS THE ASSHOLE IN THIS SITUATION.

No, BLISSFULY ASLEEP BEN, the asshole in this situation is the ball of fur currently snuggled into your side waiting for me to get back in bed so he can fart.

The End.

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

For as long as I’ve know Ben he’s wanted dogs. But we started out living in an apartment, then rented a house with a tiny back yard, then moved to Gilroy in a house with a tiny back yard, half of which was a pond. Then we got rid of the pond. Then a quarter mile from our house they built a big dog park. Then I didn’t really have a good excuse to NOT get a dog anymore. See, I’ve always been a cat person. I LIKED dogs, they just weren’t the pet for me. I knew how much Ben wanted a dog though so I agreeded to go LOOK ONLY at some dogs at the Salinas Animal Shelter.

And that was the end of that.

KIDIDNG.

Because then Ben made me go and fall in love with this fool.

ThePuppy

And while we thought he was cute as hell, that’s about the time that Hans decided we were complete assholes

Fuck you all.

I don’t know what his big problem was. How could you not love that face.

BFFs already.

Even all the dogs at that awesome new dog park loved him. I can’t believe when I look at this that he was as small as Max once! Max is so tiny!

Kumo and Jack

We started taking him to puppy training classes and we learned SO MUCH. He’s a great dog today because our teacher Amy was FABULOUS! She told us that Kumo was the best dog EVER and even though she probably tells ALL the parents that we are pretty sure in our case that it was true.

Amy and Kumo

One time I gave him a bull’s penis to chew on. Ben was not amused. It took a long time for him to stop giving me dirty looks.

That's a bull's wiener...

We started spending a LOT of time at the dog park making amazing friends… and playing in the water dish.

Water Dog.

Kumo spent a lot of time keeping Ben warm during winter naps which is a dog’s greatest job in life.

And then my heart exploded from The Cute.

He also spent a lot of time trying to figure out why the hell I always had a camera shoved in his face. How could you NOT with that face!?

Whatcha' doin?

I discovered that he makes an excellent scarf model.

Noro striped scarf

And Cassidy, who spent years being scared of dogs after an unfortunate bite incident, opened up her heart and fell in love with him too.

Kids.

Kumo has become a VERY proficient ball catcher and chaser and hoarder. He loves the ball. THE BALL IS KING.

Catch

And then something crazy happened. One day, out of the blue, this thing showed up at our house.

And so it begins.

And although he still tries to act like he doesn’t care, he totally does. Because who else are you going to torture with and endless game of keep away with a stick than a younger sister?

WANT!

I discovered that Kumo is also an excellent Christmas decoration.

What about dogs?

And I think he’s pretty cool because he never gets tired of my camera STILL being shoved in his adorable face.

Love.

Because it’s a pretty adorable face.

Dog Park: 02/13/2010

Although, he’d still MUCH rather be doing this than posing for me.

BALL!

I was pretty sure when we brought this home, he was going to write us a two page letter, pack his bags and hit the road.

I think I'll sit RIGHT HERE!

As it turns out, Kumo decided we could keep her. He likes to lick her head like an ice cream cone. An ice cream cone with claws.

They were asleep this way. <3

Today, our puppy, our baby, our emo boy turned two years old. And although I NEVER intended to fall in love with this fool because he was supposed to be BEN’S DOG, I have. I am utterly and completely and hopelessly in love with him.

Happy Birthday, Kumo. We love you.

014/365 - Happy Birthday, Kumo.

<3, Mom, Dad, Danica, Hans, KC & Samus

Day 2: Sleep with one eye open.

I’ve out a LOT of effort into being as lazy as possible this weekend. It was rainy and overcast and cloudy the couch was REALLY comfy and warm and inviting. Therefore rather than type up that dream I will leave you with pictures of the cat cuteness.

This picture says: “Sleep with one eye open.”
Sleep with one eye open.

This one says: “Actually, take this, this is my good side.”
Actaully, this is my good side.

We’ve recently had to kick the cats out of the bedroom at night because they (and by they I mean Hans because KC is far to fat and lazy) have been jumping onto Ben’s dresser and scratching it. Hans likes to sit there by the window and lord over the back yard from high on his Perch of Greatness.

They both have ended up sleeping with Cassidy at night which she thinks is great! But about 4:45AM EVERY SINGLE DAY, they start to get a little antsy and pace the floor in front of our door yelling GET UP AND LET ME OUTSIDE, JERKS! By about 5:00AM Hans is doing backflips against the door in protest and when Ben opens it he’s like OMG I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD LET ME OUTSIDE HURRY I HAVE THINGS TO DO AND PLACES TO PEE AND WATER TO DRINK AND WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU DO LONG HURRY HURRY HURRY THIS WAY I’LL SHOW YOU THIS DOOR OPEN IT OPEN IT OPEN IT HURRY HURRY!

And KC is like, thank GOD you got up to let that spaz out. Now, stop what you’re doing this instant and shower me with the love I deserve for being this amazingly cute.

I have to admit that sometimes it’s the part of the morning I look forward to the most and I get a little grin at how cute and different that cats can be. On Saturdays though, on Saturdays I start to wonder what exactly is involved in the making of cat stew…

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