Hans does not like the dogs. Like, not even a little. Specifically he does not like Kumo because while Danica will just ignore that Hans exists like all other living things, whenever Kumo sees Hans he basically flips his shit. OMG LOOK IT’S HANS WHAT IS HANS DOING IS HANS GOING TO COME IN HERE PERHAPS IF I RUN AT HIM LIKE A LUNATIC HE WILL LIKE ME FINALLY!
We dance a delicate little dance here every day in which we have to make sure that Hans is nowhere in sight if the dogs come upstairs and Hans will only come downstairs after the dogs are in our room for the night. Every morning at the disgusting hour of 5:00AM he meets me at the bottom of the stairs so we can discuss important matters such as who we’re going to vote for in the upcoming primary election, how best to solve the Israeli Palestinian conflict, and which faucet hardware we think will best match the new vanity in the downstairs bathroom. Or I just sprinkle some catnip on the ground and watch him writhe around in a stoned frenzy.
So it wasn’t out of the ordinary when I came downstairs last night at 11:00PM, because I got a call from Cassidy asking to be picked up after the homecoming game, to find Hans down there ready to chat. I had just woken up from a blissfully deep sleep and kind of stumbled towards the door trying not to trip over the dog beds and toys and was completely thrown off when Hans ran out the door when I opened it.
I immediately dropped my phone and clutch on the floor and ran out the door after him. Luckily I was able to grab him without a lot of trouble while he was still in the front yard and ran back towards the front door just in time to see the dogs come barreling down the stairs and towards the front door. This, of course, caused Hans to freak the fuck out and so I grabbed the door and slammed it shut in front of me.
So there I am, outside in a long tshirt and knee high socks, no phone to call Ben, no way I can open the front door and no way I can put Hans down even though he’s currently trying to claw my face off.
I opened the door about an inch and called for Ben (not too loud because I don’t want the neighbors to think I’m crazy) to call the dogs upstairs but Ben doesn’t answer because he’s BLISSFULLY ASLEEP like I should be at 11:00PM. This is not working.
So I get the idea to use the keypad to open the garage door thinking I’ll just drop Hans in the there till I can get back from picking Cassidy up and deal with it then. Except once the garage door is closed and I can finally let go of the animal that had chosen to impale his claws into my side like a goddamn velociraptor, I go to open the door to the house and OF COURSE it’s locked because why would the door NOT be locked at 11:00PM at night!?
The next few ideas are not good ones.
Put the cat in the M3 till I can get inside and get the dogs upstairs? A gif of Ben’s head exploding over and over again running through my head means NO.
Put the cat in the Volkswagon? Again, NO.
Put the cat in my car, pick up Cassidy, deal with it when I get home? Nope! Key is in the clutch inside the front door!
Try and open the garage door and get out without letting Hans out?! HAHAHHHAHHAHHA NO.
So I pick him up while trying to keep a tight grip on all the pointy parts and open the garage door, walk to the front door, open it an inch and start yelling at Ben at the top of my lungs because fuck the neighbors I’m over this comedy act.
As I’m screaming at the top of my lungs in my long tshirt and knee high socks while holding my cat that’s screeching equally as loud and trying to eat my ear with his last means of defense I hear footsteps behind me because this is the exact moment that a group of teenage boys choose to walk past my house.
BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE IS A GROUP OF WITNESSES.
Ben finally calls the dogs upstairs and I’m able to detach Hans’ teeth from the side of my face and finally, FINALLY, he is inside the house.
When I got home from picking Cassidy up I walked upstairs and stood in the hallway where I could see Hans on Cassidy’s bed, Danica on her bed and Kumo in bed with Ben. All of them just chilling there like nothing happened and everybody was just swell and I finally flipped.
I pointed at Hans and yelled, “YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.”
I pointed at Danica and yelled, “YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.”
I pointed at Kumo and yelled, “YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.”
“YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES!”
Then Ben yelled at me to be quiet LIKE I WAS THE ASSHOLE IN THIS SITUATION.
No, BLISSFULY ASLEEP BEN, the asshole in this situation is the ball of fur currently snuggled into your side waiting for me to get back in bed so he can fart.