Honor Roll!

I know that everybody online is probably like WE GET IT, YOUR KID IS AWESOME because I’ve been talking about it everywhere. But we are really proud of her. So you get to hear about it some more!

Cassidy’s BFF Alexis made the Principal’s list which is a 4.0 PERFECT GPA. There were only 8 kids in the class to receive it so we are really proud of her too! Today we went to Costco and bought them some gift cards to the local theater for $25.00 each (you get two $25.00 cards for $40.00 at Costco!) and then took them to the movies. They choose to see Chronicle and Ben wanted to see it too.

Me: When we get there, you two can buy your tickets yourself and food or whatever and we can just meet up after the movie.
Ben: But you don’t have to sit with us.
Cassidy: Okay!
Ben: Actually, you AREN’T ALLOWED to sit by us.
Me: Yeah, we don’t want our friends to see us and be like, “Why are you guys hanging out with those KIDS!?”
Alexis: *giggle*
Me: How embarrassing would THAT be?

Congrats, kids! So proud of you both!

Just not proud enough to be seen with you in public.

I’m going to go make some bacon.

So about a month ago I decided that I needed to eat Mexican food or I would die after physically harming every living creature within 75 miles. I might have been a little premenstrual. Or a lot, whatever.

I love Mexican food. When I want to feel like a kid again, it’s my go to meal. I was lucky enough to be raised with a Mexican extended family. Like, REAL Mexican. Not that Americanized crap you get in a restaurant with premade tortillas and rice from a mix. Enchiladas made with love, mole made with 84 ingredients and simmered ALL DAY LONG then eaten with a batch of tortillas made fresh that day with REAL ACTUAL LARD from a tub. Real Mexican food is made with tubs of lard. TUBS OF LARD, PEOPLE.

Ben: Why do you want Mexican food?
Me: I don’t WANT Mexican food, I need it.
Ben: …
Me: Don’t look at me like that. LOOK AT MY OVARIES!
Ben: You are going to feel like shit later.
Me: No I won’t. Mexican food is MAGIC.
Ben: Yes, stomach aches are magic.
Me: Enchiladas.
Ben: Endless bathroom trips.
Me: Nachos.

We ended up getting Mexican food. Before I put my fork down the magic stomach ache started. As we were leaving the restaurant I started to blame Ben for allowing me to make such a stupid, estrogen driven decision. WHAT WAS HE THINKING!?

I was up ALL NIGHT LONG. The cramps. And the magic stomach ache.

It was bad.

So the next morning I was up before everybody else which is not something that happens on a weekend. EVER.

Cassidy was walking downstairs as I was sitting on the couch after having spent about 20 agonizing minutes in the downstairs bathroom finally ridding myself of all that lardy Mexican poison. LARD IS POISON, PEOPLE!

Cassidy: *deep breath*
Me: *looks innocent* Dude, sorry. I totally turned the fan on.
Cassidy: Did you make… bacon?
Me: What?
Cassidy: It smells like bacon, did you make breakfast?
Me: WHAT!?
Cassidy: I smell bacon!
Me: The only thing I’ve made today is POOP!
Cassidy: What?
Me: I made poop and YOU THINK IT SMELLS LIKE BACON!
Cassidy: EWWWWWWWWW!
Me: HAHAHAHA Mexican food is MAGIC!

For the past month when anybody needs to, you know, do THAT BUSINESS in the bathroom we refer to it as “makin’ bacon” or “I’m going to go make bacon”.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Mexican food is MAGIC.
2. Teenager are actually CRAZY.
3. My poop smells like BACON. Fuck roses, man. BACON!

MAGIC. CRAZY. BACON.

IN ALL CAPS.

Aren’t you glad I blogged now, honey?

No eggrolls for you!

While watching the funeral scene in Grand Torino there were people carrying in platters PILED with food on them for the old grouchy guy because his wife died and I guess they assumed that men aren’t capable of making a sandwich or something.

Me: We should pretend like I died. For the food. Then, when people get here we can be all HAHAH JUST KIDDING… but leave the eggrolls.
Ben: I think that’s a good idea. But let’s not pretend.
Me: …
Ben: haha I was kidding.
Me: I am blogging this right now.
Ben: Why are you suddenly blogging everything I’m saying!?

Because, Ben! There needs to be a public record of things like this. Now watch, when I die, YOU AREN’T GOING TO GET ANY EGGROLLS!

HA!

Happily married for 1367 days.

Tonight as Ben was explaining something to me:

Ben: It’s happening consistently and regularly.
Me: Consistently and regularly is redundant.
Ben: You aren’t contributing to the conversation.
Me: I’m contributing to your education.
Ben: You are contributing to my hand to your face.
Me: HAHAHAH! BLOGGING THIS RIGHT NOW!

<3

This is normal. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Time change should be outlawed. For the airheads.

This time change thing? Yeah, not meant for people of the airhead population. First of all, Ben’s been replacing all the outlets in our new soon to be workout room (formerly The Blue Room, now the Licorice Red Room) and every time he changes one (been doing them over a few days before going to work in the mornings) he has to turn off all the breakers which resets my alarm clock. Like every day. Seriously.

So I woke up Sunday morning and it was light out and my clock read 3:05AM. WHAT!? I thought we got one extra hour of sleep how is it light outside already!? Looked at my phone, turns out it’s like 7:30AM. OH! HA! RESET CLOCK TO CORRECT TIME!

Then at some point much later (SLEEPING IN IS AWESOME) I wandered downstairs and was confused because my laptop said 8:30 but my phone said 9:30 and previously both have always reset themselves so somewhere, something failed me. TECHNOLOGY! WHAT GOOD ARE YOU?!

So I walk in the kitchen and we actually have this conversation:

Me: So, what time is it?
Ben: What time does the clock say?
Me: Well, my phone says one thing and my laptop says another and MY BRAIN CAN’T FIGURE THIS OUT.
Ben: Seriously?
Me: DUH!
Ben: So, how do you think you could figure this out?
Me: I could google it but I’M ASKING YOU!
Ben: *pulls up the atomic clock on his phone*
Me: Well, my phone won’t do that, it’s FLASH.
Ben: iPhone fail.

Okay, here’s another thing. Recently, Ben decided to defect from Our Team WHICH IS APPLE and bought himself a Galaxy S2. And it’s a badass phone but there might be a little bit of Who’s Phone Has The Bigger Penis competition going on between the S2 an the 4S. CLEARLY, the 4S is #WINNING but in this case, I had to accept my defeat in the form on a petty insult at my lack of ability to use flash on my phone.

It was short lived though when his ANDROID phone failed to load the site properly. JUST WANTED TO PUT THAT OUT THERE IN THE WORLD.

Eventually I figured out that my phone’s time zone had somehow been set to Denver? I have no idea how that happened but sometimes when I get up at 4:30AM for work and I try to check my email, I unlock my phone later in the day and am like WHAT WAS I DOING!? It’ll be on some random webpage explaining why roosters crow or I’ve made a post on facebook as Kumo on accident.

I got confused again when at 8:30PM my body was all HAHAHAHA YOU ARE DONE FOR THE DAY GOODNIGHT!

And I passed out on the couch.

Then I got confused AGAIN when my bedroom clock was the wrong time because I had set it to match my iPhone before I realized that my iPhone HAD THE WRONG TIME.

Then I had a momentary moment of panic when I got in my car this morning and my clock read 6:10. HOLY FUCK I’M LATE HOW IS IT 6:00AM ALREADY FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU!!!

And then the guy from NPR was all “It’s 5:10, time for your first traffic check!” And I stopped peeing myself and was all AHAHAAHAHA I KNEW THAT!

It’s 2011, people. Not only do we not have flying cars or Rosie the Robot, but we still have to manually change our own clocks.

Future fail.

Friday Dinner Conversation.

I have been complaining for three days about the fact that there are TRAILERS for COMMERCIALS now. Companies have been releasing teaser trailers for the ads they are going to run during the Super Bowl AND THAT IS CHEATING. AND STUPID.

Ben is particularly excited about this Motorola Xoom commercial because it’s Tegra driven hardware and because it’s very similar to an Apple commercial shown during the 1984 Super Bowl.

I refuse to watch this commercial because TRAILERS FOR COMMERCIALS ARE LAME. The whole point of the Super Bowl is to be stunned, shocked and amused by the awesome commercials (and see the Steelers KICK ASS) and if I have an idea of what they are all going to be about before hand what is the point!?

This conversation happened after several minutes of Ben and I disagreeing about these trailers.

Ben: We should watch the original commercial before we see the Xoom Super Bowl commercial.
Me: *grimmace*
Ben: *stone face*
Me: *MORE GRIMMACY*
Ben: Do you know what I’m thinking right now?
Me: That you want to punch me in the face?
Ben: You know those things they used to knock down castle doors?
Me: Battering rams!
Ben: Yeah, one of those, only like, steam powered! IN YOUR FACE. RIGHT NOW.
Me: *stone face*
Ben: *stone face*

And then I started laughing. And then Ben started laughing. And I don’t know, when I type it back now it doesn’t seem as funny but at the time I DIED. It was that kind of laugh that releases stress and makes you forget the long work week and I CRIED. There were actual tears caused by laughter and thank goodness we were pretty much alone in the restaurant because we probably looked like crazy people. It felt so good.

Me: You want to know what I was thinking? I was thinking that maybe we should check Rotten Tomatoes to read the reviews and then watch this prequel commercial before we have to watch this new commercial.
Ben: Stop being so cynical!
Me: You’re still thinking about the battering ram aren’t you?

And then I started laughing all over again. And this is why I love my husband. At the end of the day, every day, I laugh. Usually at my own expense but that’s okay.