Tag Archives: cat

Blogmas Day 3: HANS IS HOME!

Hans tore a hole in Cassidy’s window screen FOUR MONTHS ago. We spent a lot of time looking for him and once I thought I saw him run into a yard in the cul-de-sac across from us but it was 5:00AM and I wasn’t comfortable getting all up in the bushes in front of a neighbors front window at that time.

Then last night we didn’t go to a Christmas party and Ben happened to be outside and saw him streak across our driveway! He ran after him which freaking Hans out so Ben sat down and just started calling to him and Hans ran right over! Ben called me and yelled BRING CAT TREATS COME OUTSIDE NOW. Ben wasn’t able to grab him but when I threw a few treats down he walked right up to me and nuzzled into my chest. I carried him home.

When I brought him upstairs Cassidy didn’t believe me but Hans ran over to her and didn’t leave her side for the entire night. He ate and fell asleep almost instantly and has been sleeping most of the day. It’s been SO COLD outside and he’s SO skinny so I imagine the next few days are going to be spent mostly eating and sleeping on her cozy warm bed with is favorite human companion.

He’s pretty smelly so I’m about to go give him a sponge bath because I hate to traumatize him with a full real bath right now. Then I’ll flea treat him. We have him quarantined in Cassidy’s room in case he picked something up out there and I’m going to make an appointment to get him in to see the vet and get checked out.

But he’s HOME! Safe and warm and with a full belly.

BEST. CHRISTMAS. GIFT. EVER.

Hans is home. Skinny, cuts on his face, can't get enough love from Cassidy. ??

Life in bullets

Oh hi, here’s an update on my life in bullets. Because bullets are fun and I am lazy.

  • I’m 1.5 months into treating my lifelong psoriasis with Enbrel. So far the side effects have been, on a scale from Fucking Miserable to YAY NOTHING, about a Not Fun. Nausea the day after each injection, weird itchy red spots where I inject and CRAZY oily skin. Oh yes, INJECT. I’ll have to write about the time I gave myself the first shot and I had to sit on the floor because I was scared I’d pass out. That was fun!
  • Tonight I ate half a pecan pie for dinner.
  • Agent Romanoff We got a new kitten named Agent Romanoff she is equal parts adorable and asshole. She’s adorable most of the time. She’s an asshole between the hours of 11:00PM and 5:00AM.
  • I bought a Nest Cam so that I can spy on the dogs when we’re not home except it turns out that dogs are actually incredibly boring once you leave and just sleep on the couch all day. And when you use the Nest Cam’s speaker to tell them to get off the couch they look the camera straight on, lick their genitals, roll over, and fall back asleep. They are so boring that I’m seriously considering buying one of the outside cameras so that I can spy on my neighborhood instead.
  • I bought a camera that takes really decent video and have been uploading more to my YouTube channel. I’m considering doing a weekly vlog type thing (I don’t get how people do that DAILY) but we’ll see. It’s more work than I thought it would be and most of it is Cassidy and I making fart jokes and singing gangster rap in my car or her rolling her eyes at my Mom Jokes.
  • I finally started watching Poldark because so many of my friends loved it. I too loved it till the last episode and now I hate Ross. I might have to acquire the last episode to just get it over with before it’s release here in the US because I just want closure and for it to be over. I can’t remember the last time I was so disappointed in a fictional character. GODDAMMIT, ROSS.
  • I really want to write more but there are video games to play and Ben just said there is still pie left.

The End.

Just kidding! I have another giveaway coming soon! That was fun and I’m excited to do one again! Stay tuned!

Now really, The End.

Like cats and dogs.

Hans

Hans does not like the dogs. Like, not even a little. Specifically he does not like Kumo because while Danica will just ignore that Hans exists like all other living things, whenever Kumo sees Hans he basically flips his shit. OMG LOOK IT’S HANS WHAT IS HANS DOING IS HANS GOING TO COME IN HERE PERHAPS IF I RUN AT HIM LIKE A LUNATIC HE WILL LIKE ME FINALLY!

We dance a delicate little dance here every day in which we have to make sure that Hans is nowhere in sight if the dogs come upstairs and Hans will only come downstairs after the dogs are in our room for the night. Every morning at the disgusting hour of 5:00AM he meets me at the bottom of the stairs so we can discuss important matters such as who we’re going to vote for in the upcoming primary election, how best to solve the Israeli Palestinian conflict, and which faucet hardware we think will best match the new vanity in the downstairs bathroom. Or I just sprinkle some catnip on the ground and watch him writhe around in a stoned frenzy.

So it wasn’t out of the ordinary when I came downstairs last night at 11:00PM, because I got a call from Cassidy asking to be picked up after the homecoming game, to find Hans down there ready to chat. I had just woken up from a blissfully deep sleep and kind of stumbled towards the door trying not to trip over the dog beds and toys and was completely thrown off when Hans ran out the door when I opened it.

I immediately dropped my phone and clutch on the floor and ran out the door after him. Luckily I was able to grab him without a lot of trouble while he was still in the front yard and ran back towards the front door just in time to see the dogs come barreling down the stairs and towards the front door. This, of course, caused Hans to freak the fuck out and so I grabbed the door and slammed it shut in front of me.

So there I am, outside in a long tshirt and knee high socks, no phone to call Ben, no way I can open the front door and no way I can put Hans down even though he’s currently trying to claw my face off.

I opened the door about an inch and called for Ben (not too loud because I don’t want the neighbors to think I’m crazy) to call the dogs upstairs but Ben doesn’t answer because he’s BLISSFULLY ASLEEP like I should be at 11:00PM. This is not working.

So I get the idea to use the keypad to open the garage door thinking I’ll just drop Hans in the there till I can get back from picking Cassidy up and deal with it then. Except once the garage door is closed and I can finally let go of the animal that had chosen to impale his claws into my side like a goddamn velociraptor, I go to open the door to the house and OF COURSE it’s locked because why would the door NOT be locked at 11:00PM at night!?

MOTHERFUCKER

The next few ideas are not good ones.

Put the cat in the M3 till I can get inside and get the dogs upstairs? A gif of Ben’s head exploding over and over again running through my head means NO.

Put the cat in the Volkswagon? Again, NO.

Put the cat in my car, pick up Cassidy, deal with it when I get home? Nope! Key is in the clutch inside the front door!

Try and open the garage door and get out without letting Hans out?! HAHAHHHAHHAHHA NO.

LET ME IN!

So I pick him up while trying to keep a tight grip on all the pointy parts and open the garage door, walk to the front door, open it an inch and start yelling at Ben at the top of my lungs because fuck the neighbors I’m over this comedy act.

As I’m screaming at the top of my lungs in my long tshirt and knee high socks while holding my cat that’s screeching equally as loud and trying to eat my ear with his last means of defense I hear footsteps behind me because this is the exact moment that a group of teenage boys choose to walk past my house.

BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE IS A GROUP OF WITNESSES.

Ben finally calls the dogs upstairs and I’m able to detach Hans’ teeth from the side of my face and finally, FINALLY, he is inside the house.

When I got home from picking Cassidy up I walked upstairs and stood in the hallway where I could see Hans on Cassidy’s bed, Danica on her bed and Kumo in bed with Ben. All of them just chilling there like nothing happened and everybody was just swell and I finally flipped.

I pointed at Hans and yelled, “YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.”

I pointed at Danica and yelled, “YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.”

I pointed at Kumo and yelled, “YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.”

“YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES!”

Then Ben yelled at me to be quiet LIKE I WAS THE ASSHOLE IN THIS SITUATION.

No, BLISSFULY ASLEEP BEN, the asshole in this situation is the ball of fur currently snuggled into your side waiting for me to get back in bed so he can fart.

The End.

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