Moral: Julie and I met while BEING AWESOME.

СВЕТИ ГЕОРГИActual conversation in the car on the way home from dinner:

Cassidy: Mom, how did you meet Julie?
Ben: In a strip club.
Me: OMG we did NOT MEET in s STRIP CLUB. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN?! DUDE!
Cassidy: hahahaah So, how did you meet her?
Me: Street racing.
Ben: BECAUSE THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER!
Me: Yes, it is.

Naked dancer or criminal street racer. Pick your poison.

My poison was driving fast down long straight farm roads in the dead of night.

Moral: Julie and I met while BEING AWESOME.

I’m going to go make some bacon.

So about a month ago I decided that I needed to eat Mexican food or I would die after physically harming every living creature within 75 miles. I might have been a little premenstrual. Or a lot, whatever.

I love Mexican food. When I want to feel like a kid again, it’s my go to meal. I was lucky enough to be raised with a Mexican extended family. Like, REAL Mexican. Not that Americanized crap you get in a restaurant with premade tortillas and rice from a mix. Enchiladas made with love, mole made with 84 ingredients and simmered ALL DAY LONG then eaten with a batch of tortillas made fresh that day with REAL ACTUAL LARD from a tub. Real Mexican food is made with tubs of lard. TUBS OF LARD, PEOPLE.

Ben: Why do you want Mexican food?
Me: I don’t WANT Mexican food, I need it.
Ben: …
Me: Don’t look at me like that. LOOK AT MY OVARIES!
Ben: You are going to feel like shit later.
Me: No I won’t. Mexican food is MAGIC.
Ben: Yes, stomach aches are magic.
Me: Enchiladas.
Ben: Endless bathroom trips.
Me: Nachos.

We ended up getting Mexican food. Before I put my fork down the magic stomach ache started. As we were leaving the restaurant I started to blame Ben for allowing me to make such a stupid, estrogen driven decision. WHAT WAS HE THINKING!?

I was up ALL NIGHT LONG. The cramps. And the magic stomach ache.

It was bad.

So the next morning I was up before everybody else which is not something that happens on a weekend. EVER.

Cassidy was walking downstairs as I was sitting on the couch after having spent about 20 agonizing minutes in the downstairs bathroom finally ridding myself of all that lardy Mexican poison. LARD IS POISON, PEOPLE!

Cassidy: *deep breath*
Me: *looks innocent* Dude, sorry. I totally turned the fan on.
Cassidy: Did you make… bacon?
Me: What?
Cassidy: It smells like bacon, did you make breakfast?
Me: WHAT!?
Cassidy: I smell bacon!
Me: The only thing I’ve made today is POOP!
Cassidy: What?
Me: I made poop and YOU THINK IT SMELLS LIKE BACON!
Cassidy: EWWWWWWWWW!
Me: HAHAHAHA Mexican food is MAGIC!

For the past month when anybody needs to, you know, do THAT BUSINESS in the bathroom we refer to it as “makin’ bacon” or “I’m going to go make bacon”.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Mexican food is MAGIC.
2. Teenager are actually CRAZY.
3. My poop smells like BACON. Fuck roses, man. BACON!

MAGIC. CRAZY. BACON.

IN ALL CAPS.

Aren’t you glad I blogged now, honey?

No eggrolls for you!

While watching the funeral scene in Grand Torino there were people carrying in platters PILED with food on them for the old grouchy guy because his wife died and I guess they assumed that men aren’t capable of making a sandwich or something.

Me: We should pretend like I died. For the food. Then, when people get here we can be all HAHAH JUST KIDDING… but leave the eggrolls.
Ben: I think that’s a good idea. But let’s not pretend.
Me: …
Ben: haha I was kidding.
Me: I am blogging this right now.
Ben: Why are you suddenly blogging everything I’m saying!?

Because, Ben! There needs to be a public record of things like this. Now watch, when I die, YOU AREN’T GOING TO GET ANY EGGROLLS!

HA!

NO PRESSURE!

Ben is pretty awesome at a lot of things. LOTS! Like, he’s very good at never EVER leaving a toilet seat up. He’s a champion cookie eater. And he’s the best dog cuddler you will EVER MEET.

But one thing he’s far above average at is driving. We joke back and forth quite often (mainly I joke) about who is a better driver but he is hands down one of the best drivers I’ve ever gotten into a car with. And I don’t just mean every day driving around town. I mean like, get him on a track and he will give you a ride like you have never had before. The times I rode with him I often hopped between THIS IS TOTALLY AWESOME and OMG WE ARE GOING TOO FAST TO MAKE THAT TURN then followed that up by I AM GOING TO HURL GET ME OUT OF THIS CAR!!

Watching these videos often makes me nauseated. When you are in the car, those high speed turns, the force of the car fighting against what all the laws of nature say should not be possible… the video just doesn’t do it justice. It’s a pretty awesome feeling.

Ben hasn’t driven like that since his accident. I know he misses it. It’s in his nature.

So Monday when he sent me an email about going Karting with some of the guys from work I was like YES! GO DO THAT! Because Ben after driving fast is the best kind of Ben to be around.

I was totally kidding.

Kind of.

But I had no doubt that he’d come home with these:

It’s a good thing too because he’s also an excellent source of heat on cold nights. I can’t imagine how much it would cost me to have to try and stay warm if he wasn’t around.

Happily married for 1367 days.

Tonight as Ben was explaining something to me:

Ben: It’s happening consistently and regularly.
Me: Consistently and regularly is redundant.
Ben: You aren’t contributing to the conversation.
Me: I’m contributing to your education.
Ben: You are contributing to my hand to your face.
Me: HAHAHAH! BLOGGING THIS RIGHT NOW!

<3

This is normal. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Friday.

FRIDAY! Isn’t there some really annoying song about this day? I think so.

I kind of hate “here was my day” posts. Except Becca’s. I love her posts. I love her life. I feel like I’m sitting at an adorable little coffee shop and my friend is like GIRL, LET ME TELL YOU when I read her posts.

OH! And Lisa’s. Because she’s awesome and does awesome things and makes awesome jokes and it generally just… kind of awesome.

So anyway, I’m totally going to subject you to one now.

I got up at before dawn, (LIKE EVERY WEEK DAY YOU SO WISH YOU WERE ME RIGHT!?) and found the closest pair of jeans I could grab and put them on because it’s JEANS FRIDAY and I am very happy about that. I also grab a shirt out of the closet in the pitch black and hope it matches. It does. And it happens to be a shirt with a logo from work on it. SCORE.

I wake up suddenly about two hours later. I guess I slept during the hour drive into work. Probably because it was raining and rain makes me sleep.

Work.

Work.

Work some more.

Come home, there’s teenage drama. This kid, you guys. There is SO MUCH going on with this kid right now but I’ve mostly not talked about it online because I think she deserves the privacy but let me just say, TEENAGERS! GAH!

Melanie texted me and was all DOG PARK! LET’S DO THIS! And YAY! Ben is home early! So we meet Melanie at the dog park and her wife is out of town and she’s like WHERE ARE WE GOING TO DINNER!? I’M INVITING MYSELF TO DATE NIGHT!

And most people would be like WHAT!? Invite yourself!? But Ben and I are like YES! WE LOVE MELANIE! Her wife is out of town and she was so adorable and we love Melanie TO DEATH so we were thrilled to have her along.

Dinner: LAUGH, eat, LAUGH, talk, LAUGH. We have some really awesome friends. I feel lucky and thankful. Mel is telling us stories about her room mate and I’m seriously dying. And then Mel and Ben are making fun of me and Ben has that adorable somewhat tipsy grin and his eyes are doing that thing where they light up his ENTIRE face and I have one of those moments where I’m like I’M JUST SO HAPPY. THIS IS AWESOME. CAN IT LAST FOREVER!?

And now we are home and it’s cold, man! And it might rain tonight. I love nothing more than an open window at night with the sound of the rain outside and the faint smell of clean on the breeze. But it’s cold, man. So I’m going to coax Ben off the couch where he’s already fast asleep and up into bed and fall asleep to the sound of something awesome like a Hoarders rerun instead.

Goodnight, friends! Till tomorrow!