Aflux.net

Actual conversation Ben and I had over dinner the other night.

Me: So I had a really weird dream last night.
Ben: What was it about?
Me: I don’t want to tell you because you’ll make that face.
Ben: *laughing* Just tell me.
Me: Okay, so for whatever reason we were visiting your sister’s house but it was, like, HUGE. Like 4 stories. And she had extra kids. Babies. A lot of them. This isn’t really relevant but I’m setting the scene. So I know that we’re leaving soon to go visit my family in Pennsylvania so I am COMPLETELY packed because I’m responsible and you REFUSE to pack and keep getting annoyed when I try and suggest that YOU NEED TO PACK.
Ben: *laughing and MAKING THE FACE*
Me: This is EXACTLY WHY I didn’t want to tell you this. This is not a CONTROL thing!
Ben: Whatever you say, honey! Continue.
Me: So then suddenly it’s time to go and you are fully packed and MY SHIT IS EVERYWHERE. Like four stories, all over the place, there is no way that I’m getting all my stuff packed up in time to go so I ask you to help me and YOU WON’T.
Ben: *laughing more*
Me: AND THEN! When I ask you to help, YOU LEAVE ME THERE. At your sisters. You leave to go visit MY FAMILY that you have never met and are just like, “OH WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE PACKED SOONER?”
Ben: So what do you think this dream meant?
Me: I think it means you’re a jerk and that’s why when you asked me to go have breakfast with you I told you I wasn’t getting out of bed and you didn’t care. And you were SUPPOSED to care because I WAS MAD AT YOU AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE.
Ben: This is exactly the kind of thing you need to be blogging.
Me: I think the internet is well aware of The Crazy, thanks.

And yes, Ben has a point. I’m a bit of a control freak but it’s something that I have worked SO HARD on for the last few years. My counselor and I spent many a session discussing why exactly I felt the need to micromanage everybody in the house and it boiled down to not dealing with the ferocious anxiety I’d have when things were not how they should be. I’ve learned coping mechanisms to deal with it and I am getting better but there are definitely still days where it gets the better of me and maybe this dream was just a reminder that I need to focus on those for awhile because I can feel those bad habits creeping back up.

BUT! I recognize it now. Ben and I can laugh about it over dinner and he can trust that, given time to think about it, I’ll deal with it rather than just letting it boil up inside me till one day I explode in a ball of rage. And I can trust that if he sees it getting the better of me, he’s there to ground me and help me see that it’s not that he’s not packing for a trip that’s bothering me, but something else in the wide Metal Health Spectrum that I might need to address.

But don’t turn my cans facing the wrong direction in the pantry and don’t hang a red shirt in the blue shirt section. Because some things are just UNFORGIVABLE. That’s not control, that’s COMMON DECENCY, MAN.

Last Saturday I took a Melatonin and got into bed and then 5 minutes later Ben asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him. Yeah, I was sound asleep in bed about 10 minutes later. Till suddenly I was awoken in the middle of the night to Ben being crazy.

Ben: So.
Me: *incoherent mumble*
Ben: There is a spider…
Me: WHAT!? WHERE!?
Ben: …in the corner of the garage by the water heater and I need to kill it.
Me: Wait, what?
Ben: I’m not going to tell you what kind of spider it is but do we have something we can spray at a spider and kill it instantly?
Me: IS IT A BLACK WIDOW!?
Ben: Anything?
Me: Brake cleaner?
Ben: Will that work?
Me: I don’t know, it kills brain cells on contact.

And then he was gone and I promptly fell back asleep because it’s not like the spider was in the house.

Then what I assume was a short time later.

Ben: It worked!
Me: THAT’S RIGHT IT DID! YOU SHOWED THAT SPIDER WHO THE FUCKING BOSS IS. THIS IS YOUR HOUSE AND THAT SPIDER CAN GET THE FUCK OUT.
Ben: Oooookay.
Me: YOU TOLD THAT SPIDER! THAT SPIDER WAS TOLD!
Ben: …
Me: What kind of spider was it?
Ben: A HUGE black widow. One of the biggest I’ve ever seen.
Me: So, then we’ll be burning the house down tomorrow?
Ben: You should probably go back to sleep now.
Me: Yeah. Okay.

He acts like I’m the crazy person in this relationship but I’m not the one that was spider hunting in the garage in the middle of the night. Who even does that!? Crazy people, THAT’S who.

P.S. – I told Ben that I had started writing this last night at dinner so asked him why he was out in the garage that late at night hunting spiders and he swears there was a reason he was out there but could never actually remember what the reason was. CRAZY, BEN! THAT’S THE REASON.

P.S.² – I took the picture of the dead black widow above in 2010 shortly after we had moved into the house and it took me an entire year to use the downstairs bathroom again.

P.S.³ – Ben also told me last night on the way home from dinner that the spider had curled into a ball so he left it there and then the next day it was GONE. I asked him WHY IN THE HELL he would tell me that! LIE TO ME! He said that lying would be bad because it sets a bad prescient and I get that but then I told him that he’s allowed to lie about spiders. Then he got out of the car and walked over to the corner and said he thought he could see it on the ground and now I don’t know if I can trust him. *sigh*

I snapped this photo seconds before heading out the door to take an early evening run with my two favorite furry creatures on Wednesday. Little did I know that it would be the most shitty run I’d ever had.

LITERALLY.

SHITTY.

I’d planned on doing a 2.5 mile loop around our neighborhood. Since I’m just getting back into trying to Be A Runner I’ve been stuck in this pattern of: run 1/4 mile, walk 1/4 mile, rinse/repeat till I hit my desired distance. I hate it and it sucks and on this run I decided that I was ready to break that cycle. And I did.

I walked 1/4 mile, started running and decided I was not going to stop. And I didn’t.

Till Kumo had to poop.

So he pooped and I did my proper Pet Parent duty and picked it up to carry it with me till I could get to the trash can that I knew was about 1/4 mile away.

But I had committed! I was not going to walk! And I entered that Runner’s Zone where everything was just perfect. My breathing was perfectly coordinated with my steps, my Nerdist podcast was funny, my pace was on point for the duration, the dogs were happily jogging beside me, I wasn’t having to THINK about running at all, it was just happening.

So I ran right past the first garbage can. I didn’t even realize I still had a bag of poop in my hand along with Kumo’s retractable leash handle.

Till I felt something warm and wet hit my leg and looked down to see what it was.

And that’s when everything got REALLY SHITTY.

I stopped dead in my tracks when I realized that the warm wet substance was wet poop leaking from the bottom of the bag. Then I looked over at the bag and realized there was wet poop all over my hand and the leash handle. What I didn’t realize was that while I had stopped, Kumo had not. I didn’t realize that till he reached the end of the 20 foot leash, yanked the handle in my hand causing me to drop the poop bag. The poop bag hit the ground and a perfect arc of wet poop cascaded forth from the bottom of the bag spraying me from the chest down in a spattering of wet poop.

And I froze.

And then the smell hit me and I spent a good minute standing perfectly still while dry heaving and wondering WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO!?

I’m 1.5 miles from home if I go forward, I’m about .75 miles from home if I go back. In my head I’m trying to decide how committed I actually am here. I slowly shuffled over to the trash can about 10 feet in front of me and started trying to use the free poop bags they provide along the trail to wipe the poop off the leash handle and my hand. I ended up rubbing them all over the grass along the trail and got them clean-ish. Then started trying to use the clean poop bags to wipe the poop off my capris and tank top but that was just smearing it in more.

The entire time Kumo is sitting on the side of the trail with is head cocked to the side while staring at me as if to say, “How come you yell at me if I try and rub myself in random poops I find or if I try and eat the cat poop but you get to paint your body and play with my poop?”

So I stoop up, took a deep breath, dry heaved again, and kept running.

I ran 1.5 miles covered in my dog’s poop. Thankfully I only saw another person once. Usually when I’m running at night and have my head lamp on I don’t look people in the face as I pass them because the LED light blinds you for a good while. I will tilt my head down and say hello instead. This time, I looked that poor teenage boy right in the face for as long as I could so that he’d be too blind to figure out where the smell was coming from.

Not even sorry.

It took a 20 minute shower with the hot water on full blast and almost an entire bar of soap to finally feel clean again.

Still the best run I’ve had in awhile.

The end.

Oh hey! Happy 8 days after Valentines! We decided to just spend the day together doing Stuff We Like. We went on a hike, ate some good food and saw Deadpool. So basically, it was a perfectly perfect day for the two of us.

Here is a video of our hike! I know that most people won’t find the entertainment value in this video but I really think I’ll start doing this more because how cool will it be to look back on these years from now!?

On Black Friday Ben snagged a few nights at our favorite hotel in Pismo, SeaVenture, and we were finally able to use them up last weekend and it was PERFECT. We woke up both mornings to the sound of rain and waves but still had two days of beautiful blue skies. It was so very relaxing. Walks on the beach and to eat and to get coffee. Lots of soaking in the hot tub on the balcony. Lots of laying in bed talking and laughing and watching bad TV.

And we ate a lot of food.

A. LOT.

My mom got me this magical purple Tignanello purse for Christmas and it’s just so awesome that I HAD to share it because, seriously, you NEED THIS PURSE IN YOUR LIFE. I liked it when I first saw it but once I realized it is a magic T.A.R.D.I.S. purse that you can fit your entire life into I absolutely fell in love with it. Look how tiny and cute it looks on the outside when it’s all closed up. That’s an iPhone 6 Plus if you are looking for a size comparison.

This little tag is actually a mirror. Adorable!

The best part of this purse is that it unzips all the way to the base of the purse so although you can stuff it full of things, it makes it very easy to get to any of your stuff once it’s opened. And seriously, LOOK AT ALL THAT STUFF! And I still have lots of little pockets to fill!

For a better look at the contents I pulled it all out and laid it in front of the purse.

Here is an even better view of all the things opened and pulles out of their containers. Yes, I carry all this around with me every day because: LIFE.

From left to right:

• Pink case with my Dior prescription sunglasses
• Blue Case with my regular Brighton sunglasses
• Ipsy case with pens, highlighters, tabs and whatever washi tape I’m using for my current week in my Bullet Journal
• Selfie Stick (shut up)
• Makeup: Michael Kors perfume/lipgloss pen, Cover Girl lipstain, hand cream, a matt lipstick from Ipsy, jellybean case full of pills and my contact case.
• iPhone 6 Plus
• Michael Kors wristlet and matching card case with my car key attached. I keep all my cards and cash/change in this so that if I just want a small purse I can grab it and leave quickly.
• Bullet Journal which is a Leuchtturm 1917 in Berry and I LOVE it.
• Hairbands. For that thick hair life.
• The rest of my house/work keys.

Normally I also have my portable phone charger and cable in there too but it’s currently on my desk at work charging. OOPS! Left it there over the weekend.

AND THERE IS STLL ROOM.

There are a ton of places you can buy Tignanello purses like Macy’s and Nordstrom but they are REALLY affordable on QVC which is, I’m sure, where my mother got mine.

Mandatory Disclaimer: I was in no way compensated for this post. This purse was purchased for me by my awesome mom, I was not asked to review this product, the manufacturer of the product does not even know I exist. I just REALLY like this purse.

Ben via chat: Just ordered this

Me: Plugs? Are they for the butt?
Ben: No. They are for the car.
Me: hehehe I KNOW! I’m so funny.
Ben: …

A few hours later.

Me: I just ordered this.

Ben: $850,000!?
Me: Right!?
Ben: What even is this?
Me: It’s a poster! An $850,000 poster. But free shipping!
Ben: I’m so confused.

Mission accomplished.

I miss her. I miss her on my pillow at night. I miss our daily cuddles when I get home from work. I miss flopping down onto my bed and her protesting from under the covers because I didn’t notice her there. I even miss her reminding Kumo every night that she was the boss of him.

I just miss her. But missing her means that for a long time she was here and I got to love her. And that love is so very much worth the pain I feel now. I know that it will pass and in the end I’ll just be left with a life time of awesome memories of how much she loved me but hated every other living thing on Earth.

The earliest photo I have tagged of her on Flickr. Taken January 26th, 2004.

Checking out the backyard of our house in San Jose. She never really liked to go outside and would only go out if you were out there with her and she would always try and position herself between you and the door. So if you moved like you were going inside she could be sure and dart in before you and never be left out alone.

This is the day we brought Hans home. This photo sums up pretty well how she felt about it.

I probably moved a muscle causing her to think I was about to go inside and abandon her outside alone forever and ever.

Reminding Hans that she is the boss of him.

“I am going to hug you to death.”

“Happy Fucking Halloween.”

She always found my clean clothes to be the most comfortable spot to clean her butt.

Her amazing eyes and that tiny pink spot on my nose were always my favorite things about her.

And, or course, my most favorite photo of her I ever took.

Goodbye, friend. You left a really big paw print on my heart and I will cherish your memory forever. <3

I’m in a dark place. For the last two weeks I’ve been spending every bit of energy I have to pretend that I’m okay. I am not.

If you know me and you’ve seen me you probably think I’m great. At work I’m really good at pretending that I’m perfect. Around friends I’m really good at putting on the happy face. Online I post happy status updates and smiling photos. It’s a lie. Every single second of every single day I am fighting back the need to lay in a dark room and cry.

It’s exhausting. I am exhausted.

I am trying very hard to hold on to my Furiously Happy. Happy memories and the people near me who love me are what are keeping me afloat right now. Without the support I’ve been getting from online friends, kind words of understanding support from real life friends and, most importantly, Ben’s constant understanding, support and love, I would be lost.

It sucks. It sucks so bad. But I know that it’s temporary. I know that this will pass. The scary part is that because of the situation, I know it’s going to get more painful and more sad and more exhausting before it gets better.

But it will get better.

It will.

“Without the dark there isn’t light. Without the pain there is no relief. And I remind myself that I’m lucky to be able to feel such great sorrow, and also such great happiness. I can grab on to each moment of joy and live in those moments because I have seen the bright contrast from dark to light and back again. I am privileged to be able to recognize that the sound of laughter is a blessing and a song, and to realize that the bright hours spent with my family and friends are extraordinary treasures to be saved, because those same moments are a medicine, a balm. Those moments are a promise that life is worth fighting for, and that promise is what pulls me through when depression distorts reality and tries to convince me otherwise.”
– Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

Me talking to Ben about KC tonight: I’m so torn. I don’t want the responsibility to make these decisions. But I don’t want anybody else to make them for me because I can’t let go of that.
Ben: Wow, you basically just described our entire marriage.
Me: …

It’s true though. I don’t want to decide what we are having for dinner but if Ben chooses incorrectly I want to punch him. Why can’t he just tell me what I want and get it right every time? I really don’t understand what’s so hard about that.