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On the eventual implementation of the No Pants Rule.

For a long time now I’ve been going back and forth about having another baby or officially closing down this factory.

So I sit down like a reasonable adult and make a list.

Reasons to have 17 more kids:

  1. Babies smell yummy.
  2. Babies are cute.
  3. You can dress babies up in ridiculous outfits and they can’t get pissed. Well, they can get pissed but they can’t do anything about it and you shouldn’t feel guilty for laughing at them.
  4. I really loved breastfeeding.
  5. Cassidy doesn’t fall for my Halloween candy tricks anymore! (See also: Zombie Baby Costume)
  6. Baby fat rolls.
  7. OMGBABIES!

Then I think about the fact that in about 3.5 years Ben and I will get to stop being legally responsible for anybody but ourselves and all that would mean and… I kind of can’t wait. For instance, I could implement a No Pants Rule in the house and if Cassidy doesn’t like it then she can move to her own fascist house where stupid pants are a requirement.

So I sit back down and make another list.

Reasons you really don’t ever want another child:

  1. After a few months you realize that babies actually smell like vomit and poop and sleep deprivation.
  2. Screaming babies are not cute.
  3. Kid clothes are expensive. And even though you own 75 onsies and 48 pairs of baby leg warmers and 93 bibs, you can’t walk in the door of a Target without “accidentally” walking down the baby isle and buying at least 2 more of each because you are an emotion hormonal nutcase and if your baby doesn’t have 1,249 pairs of socks you are depriving them and I JUST WANT TO BE A GOOD MOM STOP JUDGING ME!
  4. I really hated cracked nipples and my milk letting down in the restaurant when the baby across the room that has no relation to me whatsoever cried and now the two hours I put into looking good to go out on a date night has been ruined by the two basketball sized milk stains on my shirt.
  5. I’m an adult! I don’t need stupid kids for Halloween candy! I can buy candy whenever the fuck I want! Also: This year I think I’ll buy my normal amount of Halloween candy then just not answer the door when the kids knock. Instead, every time I get a knock, I’m going to eat another piece of candy while looking through the peephole at the faces of sad, candy deprived children. And I will smile. And there will be no guilt. Also: GET OFF MY LAWN
  6. Instead of having to clean baby fat rolls in a bath every day, I can soak in a bath MYSELF with a glass of wine and Kitchen Nightmare episodes on the iPad. And I won’t even have to put pants on afterward.
  7. FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!

No matter how cute the fat rolls are, I am really REALLY looking forward to the No Pants Rule. And most importantly, I remember that cute little babies grow into slightly less cute toddlers, then slightly more pain in the ass kids and then eventually into somewhat intolerable teenagers.

So on April 11th, 19 day ago, I went and had the Mirena IUD inserted. This baby factory is closed, people. Also, I have been bleeding for 16 out of 19 days. But that’s another post for another day. It will go into how I’m pretty sure my cervix packed it’s bag and didn’t even bother to leave a note before walking out of my life forever. Because OMG PAIN.

I’m kind of surprised about how okay I am with this decision. And of course, there is always the option of having it removed if for some crazy reason I change my mind but I’m about 99.99999999999999999999999% sure that Cassidy is going to be an only child and in 3.5 years you should definitely call before you come over because there’s about a 100% chance I will not be wearing pants.

13 Comments on On the eventual implementation of the No Pants Rule.

  1. Julie
    Tuesday, April 30th, 2013 at 8:49 pm (12 months ago)

    I think it’s funny to grab my keys as we get ready to head to school without pants on, “Moooooooom. You don’t have any pants!” The little things, it’s the little things!

    Somewhere around pregnancy with Max or shortly after he was born I made my mind up that next kid will be a grandchild, a grandchild I can recklessly spoil and give loads of sugar and then innocently drop off to Trey or Max when I’m done. Like you said, you have the option with the hormonal IUD, hopefully those initial side effects GTFO.

  2. lisaf3r
    Tuesday, April 30th, 2013 at 9:02 pm (12 months ago)

    I’m on year 4 of my mirena iud this month. The first year was random bleeding, second year was better. Year 3 & 4 no bloods. At all. Awesome. Next year on year 5, I’ll be 33 & ready for a baby. I think. Hope you have a good experience like I’ve had.

  3. Katy
    Tuesday, April 30th, 2013 at 9:59 pm (12 months ago)

    I’ve made that decision already and Meghan is only 6. I have my own reasons but some are similar to yours.

    I don’t get this whole No Pants obsession Americans have. It’s bloody cold! I get leg cramps if I don’t wear pants! Enjoy your no pants rule but I’ll keep mine on.

  4. Amanda
    Wednesday, May 1st, 2013 at 2:52 am (12 months ago)

    Good luck with the Mirena. As long as you’re not a hormonal wreck I’d say stick it out? No, I wouldn’t… because that shit hurt like a mofo and i bled the entire time. That’s the baby-stopping business right there unless Ben likes that sort of thing…….

  5. Allyson
    Wednesday, May 1st, 2013 at 3:08 am (12 months ago)

    I’m pretty sure I’m one-and-done, too… despite Taylor only being eight. Like Katy, some of my reasons are similar. I like the *idea* of having another baby more than I’d like the reality, I think. haha

  6. Sarah
    Wednesday, May 1st, 2013 at 4:19 am (12 months ago)

    We are about 99.999999999999999999999999% sure that two is our limit, so we made the same choice. We figured that if we don’t want another one before the 5 year mark when I have to get it removed/replaced then we won’t ever want one and we can look at more permanent options (for him).

    I had it before Mia too, and beyond the first week never really had any problems. But I know a lot of other people have, so… Maybe there’s another one that would work better?

    Also, I’m really not big on no pants. I’m way too self-conscious for that. But I still have a good 17 years before I’m free to have a no-pants rule, so… maybe!

  7. Christina
    Wednesday, May 1st, 2013 at 4:23 am (12 months ago)

    I am in a similar position because I have a daughter who is turning 15 in June (and she reminds me EVERYDAY!). I think that I would have a better experience becoming a mother again in my early 30′s than I did when I was 17 but, do I really want to go back to sleepless nights and dirty diapers? The other day my daughter was talking about colleges and part of me was excited not only for her but, because I will have the bathroom all to myself finally lol. Then, somedays I think about how lonely my house feels without her around and I get stuck back in the cycle of trying to figure out if I should really close up shop or not.

  8. Desiree
    Wednesday, May 1st, 2013 at 8:01 am (12 months ago)

    “Kid clothes are expensive. And even though you own 75 onsies and 48 pairs of baby leg warmers and 93 bibs, you can’t walk in the door of a Target without “accidentally” walking down the baby isle and buying at least 2 more of each because you are an emotion hormonal nutcase and if your baby doesn’t have 1,249 pairs of socks you are depriving them and I JUST WANT TO BE A GOOD MOM STOP JUDGING ME!”

    I do this. I also look online for ALL THE THINGS I WANT, I mean that Vincent needs and wants. <.<

  9. Amanda
    Wednesday, May 1st, 2013 at 8:28 am (12 months ago)

    Totally agreed. Your reasons not to have another one are a few reasons that Randy and I decided on two. The fact that it takes us an hour to get out of the house and 45 minutes to get both kids to sleep with us just reinforces that.

    I’m so guilty of the baby thing. Outfits that don’t even get worn get donated b/c there are just too many clothes and 1 baby to dress. Oh snap.

    I like pants because my computer chair and couch are both leather. Can we stay sticking to it? Ouch. Sleeping is all bets off though. Birthday suit here I come. I figure eventually Gracie or Trent will get sick of it and vacate the bedroom at least.

  10. Jenn
    Thursday, May 2nd, 2013 at 5:32 pm (12 months ago)

    Yup. I’m with you. On occasion I get the urge to have a baby head to smell, a cute tiny infant to nurse and cuddle, an adorable older baby to dress in adorable things… and then my brain catches up and is like NO. JUST NO. Two and done here (that doesn’t have the same ring to it). I’m fixed, Dan is fixed, and now that the kids are in elementary school, life is getting pretty awesome in terms of FREE TIME and having kids who can dress themselves and aren’t in diapers anymore.

  11. Trini
    Thursday, May 2nd, 2013 at 5:39 pm (12 months ago)

    I had a great pregnancy, perfect delivery, and absolutely unheard of newborn peace. It was so positively wondrous that I knew if I had a second child it would be the exact fucking opposite. I didn’t have terrible twos like most parents but I sure as hell had Psycho Psevens and during that time I thanked my lucky stars for my decision to have only one. In 3 years she’s off to explore the planet and I need only bide my time for the two years left Scott and I have until his only child is off to college too.

    No Pants Rule, No Bra Rule, Sex In The Living Room Rule here I come!

  12. Anna
    Thursday, May 2nd, 2013 at 6:01 pm (12 months ago)

    Trini, I was the SAME WAY. I really think that being pregnant young makes it MUCH easier on the body. Cassidy slept through the night from day one, NEVER threw a fit in public EVER, etc. She’s making up for it a bit now but I feel like Life will totally screw me over in the fist years if I have another.

  13. Trini
    Thursday, May 2nd, 2013 at 6:24 pm (12 months ago)

    Drew is making up for a whole lotta things now too albeit some of it is out of her control. =/

    Sometimes I wish I could go back to that blissful time — that time of snuggles and giggles and other fun toddler things. Then I remember THREE MORE YEARS and figure memories are just as good. Haha

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