Today I took Cassidy and her BFF to one of those ceramics painting places but it was closed because they are remodeling. We were totes bumbed so Cassidy and her BFF suggested we go to see that new Step It Up movie and I lied and told them we wouldn’t make it to the theater in time even though the theater was like a block away from where we were. I felt bad for about half a second but then got over it because that’s the kind of movie I need some time to prep for. Like a marathoner trains for MONTHS before the big race, I need a good 24 hours before a Step It Up movie to, like, prepare. Mentally.
So then Cassidy was all, “Can we AT LEAST go to Micheal’s, SHEESH!?” And it seemed like a reasonable enough request and required no pep-talks or prior preparation time on my part so we went. After looking through posters and picking up some new craft FUN STUFF we left and started home.
Did you all know it’s garlic harvesting season? It totally is. And IT IS AWESOME. Our entire town smells like garlic. If you don’t like the smell of garlic I’m sorry that you suck so much and I’d also recommend to you that you never EVER visit Gilroy in July or August.
When they haul the garlic in from the fields it’s in these MASSIVE trucks and the sides are a metal mesh so you see THOUSANDS OF HAPPY LITTLE HEADS OF GARLIC on the way to the food processing plant in town and it’s such a glorious site. Today on the way home, in less than 10 miles, we saw four of these trucks. While stopped at a light, one passed in front of us.
Me: I totally want to Scrooge McDuck that shit.
Cassidy: Whatever THAT MEANS!
Me: You know, Scrooge McDuck! Like in his money vault!
Cassidy: I think you’ve finally lost your mind.
Me: WHAT!? DUCK TALES! *singing* LIFE IS LIKE A HURRICAIN, HERE IN DUCKBURGH!
Me: RACECARS, LASERS, AIRPLANES! IT’S A.. DUCK BLUR!
Cassidy: You realize we aren’t alone in the car, right?
So I did the only logical thing. I pulled up the Duck Tales intro on YouTube, plugged the iPhone into my car stereo, turned the volume to 60 and sang along. Every word. By heart. BECAUSE I AM THAT AWESOME.
Good luck getting that out of your head anytime soon.
After the music stopped Cassidy and her BFF were dead silent for about 30 seconds.
Cassidy: Dude, that was horrible.
Me: What are you talking about!? That was AWESOME! That was when cartoons HAD intros! That were AWESMOME.
Cassidy: That was horrible. I feel sorry that you had such crappy cartoons when you were a kids.
Me: DUCK TALES!
Me: REN AND STIMPY!
Cassidy: POWDERPUFF GIRLS!
Me: SHE-MOTHERFUKING-RA! OH! Or JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS!
Me: Dude, Scrooge McDuck could dive into his money vault, swim a lap then tell you exactly how much money he had. All Spongebob can do is make Crappy Patties.
Cassidy: We are not related anymore.
Me: Good, move out or start paying rent.
Cassidy: On second thought, I bet that was a pretty good TV show!
Me: OMG, I KNOW RIGHT!? BEST EVER!
I would say there’s a lesson here but the only one I can come up with is that it’s really easy to manipulate your teenager into agreeing with you by threatening to no longer feed or support them and that seems kind of mean. Although, anybody that actually HAS a teenager would realize this is just a means to an end. Well, a means to sanity at least. I should totally write a parenting book on raising a teenager except that I really have no clue what the hell I’m doing half the time. That’s really her fault though because raising a female teenager is a lot like trying to predict earthquakes or tornadoes. It’s really just a hope for the best but prepare for the worst (and learn early that you can get a tornado to change it’s path by threatening to take it’s cell phone away) kinda situation.
What I’m saying is, make sure your kids watch lot of cartoons that don’t suck and never let them get any older than three because that’s when they really start to have opinions and it’s basically all downhill from there.