Okay, so I get depressed. We’ve established that. And I can’t tell you how awesome it feels when I write something like that I get the kind of response I did. I feel like the internet has really opened up so many people to the realization that they have This Problem. That A LOT of people have This Problem. It helps to know that I’m not alone. That This Problem haunts a lot of people, in a lot of different ways.
So here’s my question.
How do you fight it?
Ben and I have had so many conversations about this. Medication, counseling, exercise, cognitive behavior therapy, writing, yelling… what do you do?
He ran into a friend the other day and she talked to him about her struggle with This Problem and she mentioned that she takes a medication that I’ve tried in the past and although I know he just wants to help, my initial reaction was CLOSE OFF DON’T LET FEELINGS HAPPEN, CHANGE THE SUBJECT, DON’T TALK YOU’LL SAY SOMETHING STUPID.
I hate the medicine. I’ve tried all different kinds. Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Lexapro to be exact. Out of them all Lexapro was the one I tolerated the best but even though the side effects were more minimal, I still hated them. It’s great that I’m able to mostly sleep at night and that I’m not scared that I’m going to die in my sleep but that’s mostly because I’m not scared of anything. I’m not ever REALLY happy about anything, nothing is ever REALLY that funny, nothing is ever REALLY… anything.
There is depressed numb and then there’s medicated numb and I’m not really sure which is worse but for me it seems silly to replace one with the other.
I do think that exercise helps me a lot. When I’m regularly working out I feel better, I sleep better, I eat better, I drink more water and Ben has commented several times that I seem happier. It’s really an internal struggle for me. Those of you that have The Problem know that sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning is a victory. Give me a medal, motherfuckers. I got dressed today. But I’m mostly what I’d call a “functioning depressed”. I go to work every day, I shower, I get the stuff done that NEEDS to be done.
But exercise doesn’t NEED to get done. If I don’t go run today the bills will still get paid, the power will stay on, the dogs won’t starve, Cassidy will still grow up. However, I probably won’t sleep that well. And then the next day I’ll be tired all day. Then when I come home instead of wanting to work out, I’ll still be tired and opt for a nap. Then it will be too late to cook dinner so we’ll have to go out to eat. Then we spend more money than we want. And I’ll probably eat like crap which will make me feel like crap. Then I’m in a bad mood and since I don’t feel good I won’t sleep well which means I’ll be tired the next day and won’t want to work out.
Then it’s been two weeks since I’ve done anything and why even bother at this point!?
It’s started to sink in to me more and more lately that I need to make working out my medicine. I do NEED to do it because my happiness and therefore the happiness of this entire household depends on it. I need to make ME and my sanity as big a priority as paying the mortgage is. It’s what works for me.