Dateline True Story: Man could she fart.

So I’ve been on this True Crime TV shows slash documentaries lately and I preface this by stating that I am a pretty horrible person.

HORRIBLE.

But COME ON. PEOPLE AREN’T THAT NICE. Victims often come across as angelic perfect human beings that are all light and love. And NOBODY deserves to die, especially not in the way they do to end up on these TV shows, but I feel like I’ve heard the same quotes about the victims on every episode.

“She lit up every room she walked into.”

“He never met a person who didn’t immediately love him.”

“She was a joy to work with.”

“He was the best friend anybody could ever ask for.”

And I sit there and think about what people would say about me in this situatiuon so I’m going to just TELL YOU what I’d want you all to say on national television when called on to speak about me on a True Crime show.

“Man could she fart. She could strip the paint off the wall with her butt air.”

“She was a very passionate person. If you put the toilet paper roll on the wrong way she’d punch you straight in the face. Because you’d deserve it, you filthy animal.”

“Ben loved her so much and took such good care of her. He really is a good and patient man. Because she was a goodamn pain in the ass.”

“She never met a creature she didn’t love. She had cats and dogs and hamsters and hermit crabs and they all meant as much to her as her own daughter. Except spiders. She’d burn your house to the ground if she spotted a spider. She was always trying to help people that way.”

“She was always there for you when you needed her. She would be there for you day or night no matter what. Just as soon as she woke up from her nap.”

And speaking of Ben because they ALWAYS suspect the husband first…

“He loved her so much. He could never hurt her. There’s no way he’d risk having to be separated from the absolute love of his life forever and I really don’t think they’d let him bring the M3 to prison with him.”

No but really, if I ever end up looking brutally murdered just assume that I finally managed to klutz myself to death because that’s 98% my most likely cause of death. But if a single one of you assholes goes on national television and talks about how I lit up rooms it better be because you are telling a story about holding a match to my butt.

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