Imagine…

There is a turkey feast being held at your work today and you can smell the turkey and gravy and the mashed taters and the gravy and the stuffing and the gravy and you know that if you eat it you are going to be physically ill for hours and hours and hours afterwards. So you aren’t going to eat it. Instead you are going to eat your plain chicken broth rice. The same chicken broth rice you’ve eaten for the last two days. (Minus the steak you ate last night and ended up regretting it… 5 times.)

Now imagine there is a 300 pound mouthy woman sitting two cubicles away from you smacking and chewing and popping her gum over and over and over and so loud that you can hear it like she’s sitting NEXT TO YOU and you secretly hope for just a second that maybe it’s Bertie Bott’s Disappearing Gum and in a poof of yellow smoke she will vanish and never be heard from again.

Welcome to my morning. I’m really trying to not let the negative energy in but GODDAMN WOMAN CLOSE YOUR MOUTH!!

Our company recently started monitoring even our AOL instant Messenger Chats using a new service called “Akonix L7″ (feel free to google). It basically logs everything you and your chat partner say. On the first outbound message to someone, they’ll receive a notice as described below. Some may say, well, that’s infringing on our personal privacy!!! But, this is company equipment, and as such, company internet, so, they have every right to do what they are doing. However, this email exchange below HAD to be posted (grin)…

One of my coworkers recently posted this to our group about it:
“…..I’m sure we have had possible email and IM monitoring for some time now but just recently others are getting messages about it when talking to me on various IM programs. The standard message says something like: “Administrator: Your communications are being monitored by the Akonix L7 system managing the person with whom you are connected.” Just a friendly FYI for those who discuss personal things over IM. I would be careful about what you share over IM if you don’t want others to possibly know :)….”

To which my boss responded:
“….Yes, we’ve been monitoring all of your communications for a couple of years. Managers get logs of every IM, chat or e-mail conversation you have on company equipment. But since you guys are spending most of your time chatting online, there is no way for me to sift throught he thousands of logs I get each day on you all. So I have to filter the logs for key words or phrases. Right now I only look for a few things. If the communication contains any of the following, the system flags them for me so I can investigate:

“I am giving this information to ATI”
“I hate my boss”
“I am going to come in on Sunday night and change all of the picks on the board” (*)
“How much can I make at your company”
“?????? is gay, not that there is anything wrong with that”
“I’m going to call in sick tomorrow so I can take my car to the track”
“I am going to go postal”
“George W. Bush is the best thing that ever happened to this country”
“How do I get to the next level in WoW?”

Even with this limited number of phrases, I can’t keep up with all the logs that get flagged, so you all my be safe for now.

:^)…..”

* Some lab folks exchange opinions and money on sports events

Three of the of the folks in the lab take their cars to the track, some are really into Seinfeld, some play World of Warcraft…, he truly is… the coolest boss ever.

I really, really, really tried. I kept my mouth closed all week last week. I tried to be nice. I tried to keep the peace. This morning I was just Not. In. The. Mood.

First push of the button:
*Freddy Cougar walks by*
Kat: I should have brought a camera today.
Me: I have one.
Kat: *attitude already* I KNOW. I meant MY OWN.
Me: *just not going to deal with it*
New Girl: Anna’s is digital. Very nice.
Kat: So?
New Girl: It’s digital. She can send you all the pictures or burn them to disk.
Kat: So? I’ll just drive to the store to get one later.
New Girl: *confused sounding* Okay.

Pushed again 10 minutes later:
*the new girl and I talk about dressing our kids up*
Me: I have a picture. I’ll send it to you.
Kat and The Avon Lady: I want to see.
Me: *sends it to all three*
New Girl: How cool! That came out really cool!
The Avon Lady: *laughing* She looks scarry but still cute!
Kat: That’s gross. I never let my kids dress up like that. That’s why I hate Halloween. People think vampires and demons are okay.
Me: *She just called Cassidy gross. Don’t over react. Just stay calm.* No, people relax and have fun and dress up and eat sweets and decorate and interact with each other.
Kat: Well, whatever. I would not let my kids dress up. We stay home and watch movies on Halloween.
Me: Your kids are 16 and 18.
Kat: I stopped taking them trick-or-treating when they were 5.
Me: *gives up*
New Girl: What?! I’ll take my kids trick-or-treating till they move out so I can get candy!
Me: *laughs* Ditto.

Last push of the button I was willing to deal with today:
*Freddy Cougar walk by again and Kat and she talk*
Freddy: You all decorated really cute! I love it.
Kat: Thanks!
Kat: *loudly* I TIRED to get everybody to wear orange pants and black shirts but I guess they didn’t want to. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to look cute all by myself.
Me: *bolts up in my chair knocking it back almost out of my cubicle*
Me: I am wearing a shirt with skulls and cross bones on it. Carolyn is in a PURPLE TAFFETA DRESS with white gloves and a freaking tiara. Michelle is wearing a sequined mask with gigantic purple feathers. And you are going to say YOU ARE THE ONLY CUTE ONE HERE because you are in pants and a shirt you’ve worn 100 times before!?!? Seriously, you’ve been telling us all week how much you hate Halloween and how you don’t want to decorate and you don’t want fake spiders around your cubicle and you don’t want to see any fake mice and refuse to help pay for any of it and, frankly, it’s getting pretty old and I’m tired of hearing it and I’d like you to decide if you are going to PARTICIPATE or NOT.
Kat: What’s your problem?
Me: *pops a gasket* I’m going to go get a drink.
New Girl: I’ll go with you.

She went outside with me. I had reached a boiling point that I didn’t want to cross inside in front or my co-workers. When I got back inside I told my boss I needed to talk to him alone and NOW. I’ve come to him with her attitude and snide comments before and he had a talk with her and things improved drastically for about two months. Over the last week however, it has declined to the point that I won’t even discuss work issues with her because she is too hard to deal with. This happens when her boyfriend or her husband or one of their lovers cause her drama. *rolls eyes 360 degrees*

This woman is 43 years old. 43!! And I’m not kidding when I say she has the social grace and skills of a PMSing 15 year old.

Somebody just burnt popcorn in the breakroom. The microwave has a button on it that says: POPCORN. This button cooks the popcorn perfectly every time. Never overdone, never underdone. But there’s always that ONE idiot that doesn’t seem to believe in the POPCORN button that stinks the enitre floor to high hell.

Women! *rolls eyes*