There is a demon in my tummy trying to eat his way out. Make it stop. Make it go away. Make it so that I can eat my Tryptophamtastic Thanksgiving Leftovers and not feel like my insides are rioting in protest against all that is wonderful and good about gravey.

Do you see that, Ben! I used your word TWICE!! +1,000 points for me.

Imagine…

There is a turkey feast being held at your work today and you can smell the turkey and gravy and the mashed taters and the gravy and the stuffing and the gravy and you know that if you eat it you are going to be physically ill for hours and hours and hours afterwards. So you aren’t going to eat it. Instead you are going to eat your plain chicken broth rice. The same chicken broth rice you’ve eaten for the last two days. (Minus the steak you ate last night and ended up regretting it… 5 times.)

Now imagine there is a 300 pound mouthy woman sitting two cubicles away from you smacking and chewing and popping her gum over and over and over and so loud that you can hear it like she’s sitting NEXT TO YOU and you secretly hope for just a second that maybe it’s Bertie Bott’s Disappearing Gum and in a poof of yellow smoke she will vanish and never be heard from again.

Welcome to my morning. I’m really trying to not let the negative energy in but GODDAMN WOMAN CLOSE YOUR MOUTH!!

Like the title says.., greed. Why is that some want more than they need? Dictionary.com defines greed as… an excessive desire to acquire or possess more than what one needs or deserves, especially with respect to material wealth. Why am I ranting about greed? Because Automotive insurance companies wrote the BOOK on greed, that’s why!

Tomorrow, December 8th, 2005, …a red-letter day in the history of Benjamin Hirsch. The last Vehicular code infrance (2pt speeding ticket offence to the lay person) will fall off of my driving record…. and for the first time in…. hell, I don’t even remember, I’ll have a clean driving record.

(Cue the white dove release and divine choir)

Naturally, because the ticket is falling off, the automotive insurance companies pro-rate your premium to include this discount, correct? We’re talking about somewhere around Four-hundred and fifty dollars here! Surely they wouldn’t wait until the end of the policy to update the premium and keep that money for themselves. …when you get a speeding ticket during the middle of a policy term, they sure as hell update your premium! So, why wouldn’t they make the ticket falling off force an update to your MVR, and in turn decrease your insurance premium?

GREED

Well, at any rate, I think I finally figured out what my insurance agent is doing with all of that extra money:

I really, really, really tried. I kept my mouth closed all week last week. I tried to be nice. I tried to keep the peace. This morning I was just Not. In. The. Mood.

First push of the button:
*Freddy Cougar walks by*
Kat: I should have brought a camera today.
Me: I have one.
Kat: *attitude already* I KNOW. I meant MY OWN.
Me: *just not going to deal with it*
New Girl: Anna’s is digital. Very nice.
Kat: So?
New Girl: It’s digital. She can send you all the pictures or burn them to disk.
Kat: So? I’ll just drive to the store to get one later.
New Girl: *confused sounding* Okay.

Pushed again 10 minutes later:
*the new girl and I talk about dressing our kids up*
Me: I have a picture. I’ll send it to you.
Kat and The Avon Lady: I want to see.
Me: *sends it to all three*
New Girl: How cool! That came out really cool!
The Avon Lady: *laughing* She looks scarry but still cute!
Kat: That’s gross. I never let my kids dress up like that. That’s why I hate Halloween. People think vampires and demons are okay.
Me: *She just called Cassidy gross. Don’t over react. Just stay calm.* No, people relax and have fun and dress up and eat sweets and decorate and interact with each other.
Kat: Well, whatever. I would not let my kids dress up. We stay home and watch movies on Halloween.
Me: Your kids are 16 and 18.
Kat: I stopped taking them trick-or-treating when they were 5.
Me: *gives up*
New Girl: What?! I’ll take my kids trick-or-treating till they move out so I can get candy!
Me: *laughs* Ditto.

Last push of the button I was willing to deal with today:
*Freddy Cougar walk by again and Kat and she talk*
Freddy: You all decorated really cute! I love it.
Kat: Thanks!
Kat: *loudly* I TIRED to get everybody to wear orange pants and black shirts but I guess they didn’t want to. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to look cute all by myself.
Me: *bolts up in my chair knocking it back almost out of my cubicle*
Me: I am wearing a shirt with skulls and cross bones on it. Carolyn is in a PURPLE TAFFETA DRESS with white gloves and a freaking tiara. Michelle is wearing a sequined mask with gigantic purple feathers. And you are going to say YOU ARE THE ONLY CUTE ONE HERE because you are in pants and a shirt you’ve worn 100 times before!?!? Seriously, you’ve been telling us all week how much you hate Halloween and how you don’t want to decorate and you don’t want fake spiders around your cubicle and you don’t want to see any fake mice and refuse to help pay for any of it and, frankly, it’s getting pretty old and I’m tired of hearing it and I’d like you to decide if you are going to PARTICIPATE or NOT.
Kat: What’s your problem?
Me: *pops a gasket* I’m going to go get a drink.
New Girl: I’ll go with you.

She went outside with me. I had reached a boiling point that I didn’t want to cross inside in front or my co-workers. When I got back inside I told my boss I needed to talk to him alone and NOW. I’ve come to him with her attitude and snide comments before and he had a talk with her and things improved drastically for about two months. Over the last week however, it has declined to the point that I won’t even discuss work issues with her because she is too hard to deal with. This happens when her boyfriend or her husband or one of their lovers cause her drama. *rolls eyes 360 degrees*

This woman is 43 years old. 43!! And I’m not kidding when I say she has the social grace and skills of a PMSing 15 year old.