Imagine…

There is a turkey feast being held at your work today and you can smell the turkey and gravy and the mashed taters and the gravy and the stuffing and the gravy and you know that if you eat it you are going to be physically ill for hours and hours and hours afterwards. So you aren’t going to eat it. Instead you are going to eat your plain chicken broth rice. The same chicken broth rice you’ve eaten for the last two days. (Minus the steak you ate last night and ended up regretting it… 5 times.)

Now imagine there is a 300 pound mouthy woman sitting two cubicles away from you smacking and chewing and popping her gum over and over and over and so loud that you can hear it like she’s sitting NEXT TO YOU and you secretly hope for just a second that maybe it’s Bertie Bott’s Disappearing Gum and in a poof of yellow smoke she will vanish and never be heard from again.

Welcome to my morning. I’m really trying to not let the negative energy in but GODDAMN WOMAN CLOSE YOUR MOUTH!!

Like the title says.., greed. Why is that some want more than they need? Dictionary.com defines greed as… an excessive desire to acquire or possess more than what one needs or deserves, especially with respect to material wealth. Why am I ranting about greed? Because Automotive insurance companies wrote the BOOK on greed, that’s why!

Tomorrow, December 8th, 2005, …a red-letter day in the history of Benjamin Hirsch. The last Vehicular code infrance (2pt speeding ticket offence to the lay person) will fall off of my driving record…. and for the first time in…. hell, I don’t even remember, I’ll have a clean driving record.

(Cue the white dove release and divine choir)

Naturally, because the ticket is falling off, the automotive insurance companies pro-rate your premium to include this discount, correct? We’re talking about somewhere around Four-hundred and fifty dollars here! Surely they wouldn’t wait until the end of the policy to update the premium and keep that money for themselves. …when you get a speeding ticket during the middle of a policy term, they sure as hell update your premium! So, why wouldn’t they make the ticket falling off force an update to your MVR, and in turn decrease your insurance premium?

GREED

Well, at any rate, I think I finally figured out what my insurance agent is doing with all of that extra money:

I really, really, really tried. I kept my mouth closed all week last week. I tried to be nice. I tried to keep the peace. This morning I was just Not. In. The. Mood.

First push of the button:
*Freddy Cougar walks by*
Kat: I should have brought a camera today.
Me: I have one.
Kat: *attitude already* I KNOW. I meant MY OWN.
Me: *just not going to deal with it*
New Girl: Anna’s is digital. Very nice.
Kat: So?
New Girl: It’s digital. She can send you all the pictures or burn them to disk.
Kat: So? I’ll just drive to the store to get one later.
New Girl: *confused sounding* Okay.

Pushed again 10 minutes later:
*the new girl and I talk about dressing our kids up*
Me: I have a picture. I’ll send it to you.
Kat and The Avon Lady: I want to see.
Me: *sends it to all three*
New Girl: How cool! That came out really cool!
The Avon Lady: *laughing* She looks scarry but still cute!
Kat: That’s gross. I never let my kids dress up like that. That’s why I hate Halloween. People think vampires and demons are okay.
Me: *She just called Cassidy gross. Don’t over react. Just stay calm.* No, people relax and have fun and dress up and eat sweets and decorate and interact with each other.
Kat: Well, whatever. I would not let my kids dress up. We stay home and watch movies on Halloween.
Me: Your kids are 16 and 18.
Kat: I stopped taking them trick-or-treating when they were 5.
Me: *gives up*
New Girl: What?! I’ll take my kids trick-or-treating till they move out so I can get candy!
Me: *laughs* Ditto.

Last push of the button I was willing to deal with today:
*Freddy Cougar walk by again and Kat and she talk*
Freddy: You all decorated really cute! I love it.
Kat: Thanks!
Kat: *loudly* I TIRED to get everybody to wear orange pants and black shirts but I guess they didn’t want to. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to look cute all by myself.
Me: *bolts up in my chair knocking it back almost out of my cubicle*
Me: I am wearing a shirt with skulls and cross bones on it. Carolyn is in a PURPLE TAFFETA DRESS with white gloves and a freaking tiara. Michelle is wearing a sequined mask with gigantic purple feathers. And you are going to say YOU ARE THE ONLY CUTE ONE HERE because you are in pants and a shirt you’ve worn 100 times before!?!? Seriously, you’ve been telling us all week how much you hate Halloween and how you don’t want to decorate and you don’t want fake spiders around your cubicle and you don’t want to see any fake mice and refuse to help pay for any of it and, frankly, it’s getting pretty old and I’m tired of hearing it and I’d like you to decide if you are going to PARTICIPATE or NOT.
Kat: What’s your problem?
Me: *pops a gasket* I’m going to go get a drink.
New Girl: I’ll go with you.

She went outside with me. I had reached a boiling point that I didn’t want to cross inside in front or my co-workers. When I got back inside I told my boss I needed to talk to him alone and NOW. I’ve come to him with her attitude and snide comments before and he had a talk with her and things improved drastically for about two months. Over the last week however, it has declined to the point that I won’t even discuss work issues with her because she is too hard to deal with. This happens when her boyfriend or her husband or one of their lovers cause her drama. *rolls eyes 360 degrees*

This woman is 43 years old. 43!! And I’m not kidding when I say she has the social grace and skills of a PMSing 15 year old.

After work today I went outside to see that some idiot had parked so close to my car in a brand new Volvo Stationwagon that CASSIDY would not have been able to squeeze through the door. This REALLY pissed me off. I stood there for a minute or two and tried to calm myself down. One of my co-workers walked up:

Girl: What the hell?! Was that car there at lunch?
Me: No.
Girl: What are you going to do?
Me: Well, I’m either keying the car before I crawl across the passenger seat or I’m crawling across then SLAMMING my door into his a few times.
Girl: *mouth gaping*
Me: Slamming my door into his will harm MY car though so I think I’ll just key it.
Girl: You should just tell *building managers name*. He’ll send out a mass email and say something over the PA system.
Me: Yeah, that would be the “politically correct” thing to do. But I’m a liberal. I don’t DO politically correct.
Girl: *looks scared* Well, good luck.

Now, I wasn’t really going to key his car. I would never do that. I WAS however going to get into my drivers side door and if that meant a nice big door ding on his brand new car I really didn’t care. As I stood there and contemplated how to squeeze myself into the door I see a man casually walking out into the parking lot and in my direction. He was looking from the car to me. I knew it was him so I folded my arms across my chest and put on the you-are-a-fucking-moron look:

Moron: Did I park you in?
Me: Well, yeah. Ya think? *looks at parking job*
Moron: I’ll only be a second.
Me: *dripping with sarcasm* Really? Well, gee thanks for hurrying.
Moron: *looks at me*
Me: Did you not see the THREE empty spaces next to the PASSENGER side of my car? *points to row of empty spots*
Moron: This spot was closer to the door.
Me: * @)(#@#($@#$@)#&%(#$&%#)(*$$%)(@&$#%@)#(%*
Moron: *gets in car, turns it on, rolls down window, changes chanel on radio*

This is where the blood in my veins started to boil steam came out of my ears and the whole world got this rosy red glow:

Me: *very loud* I’m not standing here to enjoy the summer heat, I have to pick my daughter up from school, do you think you could GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!?!?
Him: *backs up and speeds out of praking lot while glaring at me*

Fucking hell people!!! How is it that some people are so damn oblivious to the fact that maybe OTHER PEOPLE exist in the world and they have lives to live too and maybe if you weren’t such an ASSHOLE your pathetic world would be a little nicer to live in? You know, karma?

I was really upset. I got his name. He’s a doctor. Tomorrow I’m getting a statement from Girl Co-worker and filing a complaint. This guy has a reputation as being a comlpete asshole to most of my co-workers but nobody ever actually files a complaint. I’m not a sheep though and I will make damn sure that I’m not treated like one.

Fantastic day. Pictures and all that jazz tomorrow. Right now I’m too depressed.

The TiVo let me down for the first time today. It’s set to record all “new” episodes of Big Brother 6 (shut up). For the first time in a month of recording three shows a week, for some reason this week it didn’t. It WAS on at a special time because it’s a double elimination week but OMG the drama that’s started happening the last two weeks and I MISSED THE DOUBLE ELIMINATION WEEK EVICTION.

It was Jennifer and I KNEW it would be Jennifer but I so wanted to see Janelle call her a bitch on the way out the door.

To continue my reality TV rant… Why in the hell would you take a popular show like The Amazing Race and screw the format all up? This year instead of teams of two they will have families of four with kids as young as 8, 9 and 12!! I don’t see how this could make for a better race and really don’t see why they had to go and screw up the best reality TV show out there.

*humph*

The below rant is about none of my regular visitors. Just something I needed to get out there…

Why is it people are so apprehensive when it comes to admitting fault in a distressing situation? Even better, why are people this way when the situation puts the blame squarely on the shoulders of an innocent friend? What’s really sad is that I bet most people reading this know a person they probably aren’t friends with anymore, or even had a friend they are just aquaintances with now because of this question.

When this happens people tend to try and mask an issue or find a way to NOT admit something really simple and silly by pointing fingers, slinging mud and skirting around the issue so many ways that by the time you get to the end, the original point is so far lost and you are in such a state of “defend” that the water under the bridge has turned into a raging, destructive flood of horse shit.

I understand that people have “stuff” they have to deal with on a daily basis. Stuff that is scarry, stressful, time-consuming, sad… we ALL have these things going on. All if us. Friendship is not about lashing out at somebody an expecting them to just KNOW that all this stuff is going on and that’s why you are saying things and acting in a way that maybe you wouldn’t under “normal” conditions. It’s, frankly, a bullshit excuse. I say this because there’s nothing YOU are going through that SOMEBODY else around you has NOT gone through. It doens’t make it any more or less okay for you to be a dickhead than it does the next person.

Now, excuse me while I get “blunt”. You get back what you give out. If you want people to keep in touch and spend time with you pick up a damn phone every now and then and don’t expect that a person with a six year old is going to jump up at 9:00PM for a late night dinner. When people invite you places, don’t be such a fucking snob and refuse to go to a certain movie theatre because it’s in the “ghetto” or because it’s farther away than the one by your house… where we saw the last three movies. Understand that by hanging out with friends that are not YOU, you are not getting “replaced” or “ignored”. Maybe instead realize that you’ve been so “busy” with your own “stuff” that maybe your friends have found friends that are more into the stuff they happen to be into. If you can’t “share” your friends then you aren’t a very good friend to begin with.

And MOST OF ALL! When you act like an ass, don’t use all of these reasons to try and dance around the bigger issue… That you were an ass.

I just had a reminder pop up for a three hour meeting I have to attend today between 9:00AM and 12:00PM. What kind of masochistic freak schedules a three hour meeting on a Monday Morning.

*pouts*

I’ve had this reoccurring problem with my teeth: my molars are coming in. As they’ve grown out they’ve done so in spurts. It hurts for a few days, three or four at the most, and I’m only able to open my mouth big enough to get one finger in there… then it stops. Every time this happened I’d swear that the next time I’d go to get them removed.

Well, it’s the next time. I first noticed they were getting sore two Wednesday’s ago while stuffing an over filled yummy totally delicious smothered in dad’s homemade red chili taco in my mouth. It wasn’t bad, just a bit painful to open all the way… By Sunday afternoon I was barely able to open my mouth large enough to snack on a PB&J sandwich at California Adventure. Now usually this is the point where the pain starts to subside. So on the way home I’m thinking that Monday morning I’ll get up and although I’ll be extrememly exhausted, I’ll be able to eat.

And then Monday morning came and when I woke up I went to stretch my jaw and it popped so hard I thought I had broken it in half. Just thinking about that pop makes me shudder. After that it got progressively worse till THIS Wednesday when I ate scrambled eggs for breakfast and nothing else all day just beacuse I didn’t want to MOVE my jaw..

Last night it finally started to subside. I was able to get a chicken taco in there today. Although the pain is pretty much gone, I’m still not able to open my mouth much bigger then the width of my finger. The molars are coming in pointing pretty much straight back so it feels like I constantly have food stuck back there and the inside of my cheek is pretty raw.

I’ve called the three oral surgeons the dentist recommended and that are covered by my insurance and the SOONEST appointment is Monday… and that’s just the 15 minute pre-surgery consult. I have to get an appt for the surgery AFTER that. I was hoping I could make the surgery appt for next Friday that way I’d have all weekend to recover but there’s no way I can go that long. I hardly ate yesterday and today.

I really get kinda freaked out about being put to sleep. It’s a total control issue. They can remove all my teeth and glue them to my forehead and I’ll just be laying there drooling and snoring and probably farting in my sleep. Nope, don’t like it at all.

Cassidy is insisting on going to the first appointment with me because she’s wanting to ask the surgeon if I can keep the teeth for the tooth fairy. heh

Monday morning:

2:50A.M.
*wakes up*
*listens as helicopter flies over house rather low*
Me: What the hell? Does the asshole realize people are SLEEPING DOWN HERE!
*falls back asleep*

2:55A.M.
*wakes up*
*listens as helicopter flies over house AGAIN. Still low*
*hear Ben stir*
Me: What the hell is with the helicopter?
Ben: *grunt*
*TRY to fall back asleep*
Ben: *snore*

3:00A.M.
*listen to helicopter come back and start to hover*
Me: What the FUCK is going on?
Ben: What’s it doing?
Me: I DON’T KNOW!!
*gets up to look out bedroom window*
Me: It’s shining it’s light around. It’s looking for something.
Ben: Where is it?
Me: Out there. *points out window*
Ben: *grunt*

*goes to living room to look out sliding glass door*
*gets camera*
*contemplates using long exposure and Night Shot mode to capture helicopter*
*realizes I’m far too asleep to get the do all that… shoot I’m having problems turning the thing ON*
*takes picture*
*closes front window and check locks on doors*
*gets back in bed*

Ben: What’s going on?
Me: I don’t know. It’s looking for something. I checked the locks and closed the window in the front because I don’t want some lunatic trying to get away from the police IN THE HOUSE.
Ben: Did you close the sliding glass door?
Me: No. *shit* I’ll go close it.
Ben: Sorry.
Me: No, it’s okay.
*goes back out on balcony and sees the helicopter has now found whatever it is it’s looking for because it’s hovering in one spot with the light fixed on one location*
*close door anyway*

3:05AM
*lay in bed listening to helicopter hover outside our bedroom window*
*contemplate getting up to close bedroom windows but realize the room will get really warm really fast that way*
Ben: *snore*
Me: How in God’s name is he asleep with a helicopter hovering OUTSIDE OUR BEDROOM WINDOW?!?

3:15AM
Ben: *snore*
Me: Oh God if you make it stop I swear I might actually think you exist. Shoot, I’ll become a born again Christian and preach your word door to door. Seriously.
Me: …
Me: Rocket launcher. That’s what would stop it. The heat seeking rocket launcher from the original Unreal Tournament. One shot. Big boom. Back to sleep.
Me: …
Me: Or the BFG!! The BFG from Quake 3. No need to chance any of the fuckers living through the blast. BFG would ensure the assholes would never keep me awake again.
Me: …
Me: Of course, it is over a residential area and the BFG would take out a few houses too because it’s flying so low. I guess the best bet would be a rocket launcher. The Counter Strike rocket launcher would be good too. But the UT rocket launcher is just so easy to use. Keep AIM for 5 seconds and the thing is guaranteed not to miss plus it’s got a smaller blast radius than the CS launcher… Yeah, that’s it, UT rocket launcher.

3:27AM
*helicopter starts to fly away*
Ben: *stirs*
Me: I figured out the best way to get rid of it was the rocket launcher from the original Unreal Tournament.
Ben: *grunts*
Me: I thought about the BGF but the shockwave would have done too much damage to the homes below it.
Ben: Counter Strike’s rocket launcher would have been good too.
Me: Yeah I thought of that too but eventually ruled it out. The UT launcher is the way to go.
Ben: Okay.
…..
Ben: You are going to blog that, right?
Me: Probably.
*cuddles*
*falls asleep*