WIRtW: 00005

When I Rule the World, if you walk out of the break room after having drained the VERY LAST DROPS of water out of the dispenser and don’t:

1) Put a new jug on yourself, or
2) ASK SOMEBODY that has more upper body strength than a FIVE YEAR OLD to do it for you,

You will be banned forthwith from EVER DRINKING WATER AGAIN YOU LAZY FUCKING ASSHOLE.

Also:

“I’m a girl” is not a reason not to change the water. It’s a bullshit cop out that further promotes the fact that women are helpless pussies that might BREAK IN HALF under the weight of a 40 pound jug of water. Seriously. I’ve seen the purses you all carry around on those fragile little arms so just don’t go there.

You may view all of my rule changes here.

You are too much for me, Home Depot! I wish I knew how to quit you.

Last Satruday morning Ben woke me from a beautiful and blissful sleep to tell me that I was snoring. This doesn’t seem so abnormal except that he had been UP AND OUT OF THE ROOM FOR AN HOUR. I’m not sure the exact face I made at him at that time but I know what I was thinking. It was something along the lines of “I wonder how far into his ass my foot is going to be before it starts to register how terrible a mistake he’s just made”. Turned out he just woke me up to see if I wanted to go to Home Depot with him.

I should have stayed in bed.

When we got there we had two goals in mind. 1) Get him a set of calipers to measure my brake roters 2) Pick up a wallpaper remover tool and spray and some paint swatches, both for Cassidy’s bathroom. Other than a slight snag when the tool guy didn’t know what calipers were, we made pretty good time and I even got Ben to detour down the lighting isle to scope out some fixtures for ALL the bathrooms.

Then we got in line to check out.

Then 45 minutes later when we were still in line, actually the THIRD LINE, Ben’s cooling system broke and his rods reached critical mass and I had to slowly step back about 15 feet to avoid becoming collateral damage.

See,the computers were down. The were running around FRANTIC and OMG WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO THERE ARE NO COMPUTERS HOW DO WE FUNCTION!? Because, you know, it’s not like you can actually SELL something if there’s not a touchscreen monitor in front of you telling you how which step of the check out process you are on, what to do next, and the amount of change you need to dispense.

So because they couldn’t use their fancy machines to hold their hands through the process let me tell you the genius system they devised.

Step 1: Stand in line so that ONE girl at ONE counter could write all of the items on a triplicate form while the 24 people in line behind you groan loudly.

Step 2: Stand in another line so that a girl can add prices to the form, then manually add them up, calculate tax and total it.

Step 3: Stand in ANOTHER line to pay using one of the old school swipe style credit card machines.

Step 4: Walk to power tool isle, pick up nail gun, place directly against head, pull trigger.

Of course we were in line #3 and next to pay and get the fuck out of there when… suddenly all the computers started working again! I slammed my stuff down, almost turned around and spit venom directly into the face of the man that tried to line cut me after he’d spent 45 minutes in line behind me and CERTAINLY should have understood that based on line hierarchy, my shit was getting checked out first and if you try to get in my way I am allowed to backhand you with a sledgehammer.

Then the check out lady took the receipt we should have gotten and slid it into her register before she realized what she was doing EVEN THOUGH SHE HAD A COMPUTER TELLING HER EXACTLY WHAT TO DO AND WHAT TO SAY AND WHEN TO HAND ME WHAT AND WHEN.

So it was another 15 minutes of standing there because she had to finish the next sale to open the drawer. Only the machine wouldn’t take the guy’s debit card. And then it wouldn’t take his credit card. So he had to go out to his car and get his check book. And write a check. With his hand. And a pen.

It was sometime between the failure of the credit card and the check writing that Ben’s head started to actually steam and I had to move further away because he was radiating enough heat to melt the plastic bags holding my nifty new $5.00 wallpaper removal tool. From 15 feet away.

When we finally got our receipt and got out of there we weren’t sure whether we should go to Starbucks and treat ourselves for not actually reaching critical mass or drive straight home and start drinking obscene amounts of tequila to forget the entire experience. We opted for the Starbucks.

My love affair with Home Depot is OFFICIALLY OVER.

At least until later this week when we go in to price flooring for downstairs.

She was experiencing an ID10T error.

So I walk into work this morning and before I can even set my stuff on my desk The Temp says:

Temp: My computer won’t come on.

I can see her computer from where I’m standing. It has lights on the front that are CLEARLY ON.

Me: It’s on.
Temp: No it’s not look. *moves mouse*
Me: Your computer has lights on and I can hear the disk spinning from here.
Temp: Oh. Well, how come this thing isn’t on then? *points to monitor*
Me: That’s your MONITOR.
Temp: Well my keyboard or nothing is working.
Me: When you hit capslock or number lock you don’t see lights?
Temp: Hits a random button, see, nothing.
Me: Capslock.
Temp: *hits it, looks at monitor* Nothing, see?
Me: The light ON YOUR KEYBOARD is on so it’s working.
Temp: Ohhhhhhh, but this still isn’t coming on.
Me: Did you try the power button?
Temp: Which one is the power button?
Me: *officially frustrated and completely over this conversation* The circle with the line through it.
Temp: *tries power button* Nothing,
Me: You should call IT.
Temp: Can you look at it?
Me: IT will be able to troubleshoot it for you.
Temp: Okay.

Five minutes pass. She’s on hold.

Temp: I’m still on hold.
Me: Did you check the connection to make sure it’s getting power?
Temp: Oh, no. *stands up, follows the cable TO THE COMPUTER* It’s plugged in.
Me: No, I mean is it getting power from the POWER CABLE.
Temp: Oh, duh. *giggle*
Me: *head desk*
Temp: Yeah, it’s all plugged in.
Me: IT will be able to troubleshoot it for you.

Boss comes over to say good morning.

Temp: My computer won’t turn on.
Boss: It’s on, see the lights.
Temp: I mean the monitor.
Boss: …
Me: …
Boss: Will you look at it real quick? I’m late for a meeting.
Me: *get up, walk to monitor, turn it around, push power cable completely into monitor, press power button, monitor turns on*
Temp: OH WOW! THANKS! I didn’t think to check there!

REALLY!? Because when I said CHECK THE POWER CABLE I meant, CHECK THE GODDAMN POWER CABLE!

&*#$%@*%

Welcome to my Thursday.

Stress: The confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.

If you ever get the idea to buy a house let me just give you some advise right now: DON’T.

If anybody told me that it was going to be an stressful as it is, I don’t know that I’d have followed through. It’s one fucking hoop to jump through after the other, which in normal circumstances wouldn’t be so bad, and I’m so over hoops. And it’s not just, “Oh hey, we have this hoop we want you to jump through.” Instead it’s, “Hey we have this flaming hoop and we need you to jump through it backwards while doing a headstand on a three legged retarded giraffe, okay? No biggie. But if you could just get that done 10 minutes ago and fax me the proof? THANKS!”

We were supposed to close yesterday but instead we were thrown this curve ball and it’s been hoop after hoop after hoop today, and assuming that no other bullshit hoops get thrown in our path, we should be able to sign by Friday. Please keep your fingers crossed for us… We really need the extra love right now.

Solid proof I need a vacation: I blogged and forgot to title the post.

This post is pretty much going to consist of me being a whiny bitch and all poor me and FEEL SYMPATHY AND PAT MY HEAD AND TELL ME EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.

Okay?

Good!

So work has been HELL. Like, actual flames and pitchforks and varying rings of suckage. Based on the people surrounding me I’d say I’m somewhere below the water in the 5th ring surrounded by a bunch of sloths… which is the nicest way I can find to say it short of yelling, “I’m surrounded by MORONS.” Which wouldn’t be very nice. Tempting, but not nice.

I’d go into more here but the LAST thing I need to add to the stress is to walk into work and find out I’ve been dooced so I’ll just say that I’m doing the work of 1.5 people, literally, and leave it at that. Like, my productivity last week was 167%. Individually. For the week. Hell.

Lets see, what else?

Last week we had our first 100 degree day here and SURPRISE! Our AC was dead. We woke up to a power surge a few weeks ago which fried the control panel in the oven (I was reminded we are still waiting on the part today when I went to turn on the over and NOTHING HAPPENED and I ended up ruining my potatoes trying to cook them on the grill) and we never thought to try the AC! We went through two agonizing, horrible days with no AC. I had actual sweat. Like, ON MY BODY. *shudder*

The guy came out to fix it Saturday and apparently the power runs from the breaker, to the furnace, to the AC. So it was actually the HEATER that was broken and it wasn’t allowing the AC to come on. Makes perfect sense to me! Actually it doesn’t but I pretended that it did when Ben explained it to me.

So YAY! We have AC!!! Except we’ve only had to run it for like, AN HOUR over the last few days, because as soon as the damn thing was fixed the temperature dropped and it was BEAUTIFUL outside.

Oh! Something good!

Really good actually!

Ready?!

We finally got to use our tickets for Beauty and the Beast! The tickets Cassidy’s Papa and Nana Cherie got her for Christmas. It was AWESOME. It’s so cute when Cassidy watches something like this and gets REALLY into it because she’ll start to mimic the movements of the people on stage. Generally, the LEAD girl. She did it during the Hannah Montana movie, and then this too. It’s like she wants to burn it all to memory and the best way to do that is to.. DO IT.

I never say anything to her or tell her to stop because if she’s THAT into something, I can’t help but get just as into from watching her. It’s awesome that stuff like that is still so magical to her because getting to see it through her eyes gives me a reason to be 9 all over again and in awe of Belle and the story.

So okay, it wasn’t ALL bad. Still, if you want to pat my head and tell me it’s okay I won’t discourage you. I might even offer you a glass of wine and a seat beside me on the couch to watch House. Only one though! Don’t be greedy!