The Missing Lesson

(written by BenTheBoyfriend)
Whenever I experience difficult times in my life, although at the time I may experience the more common reactions …such as anger, frustration, ..when I come to my senses, and my vision clears, I try to understand why something happened. I think this is a common thing. However, what I think is the uncommon bit is I’m usually able to come up with something that to me, …makes sense.

However, yesterday, when my now ‘racecar’ m3 was rear-ended…, I can’t find the hidden message.

So….I’m not sure what the lesson is… (sigh). ….I think this fact is bothering me even more than the fact that I”m going to be without the car for even longer. And maybe, what I”m writing now IS the lesson, maybe I overanalyze things too often, and this in was meant to teach me to let go….

I’ve instructed my insurance company be my ‘army of one’ for this accident, even though technically it’s not my insurance company who will end up paying for it all. I’m going through my insurance…mainly because the other driver was extremely seedy…

His first words, after I parked my car in the nearest off parking area, as I climb out of my Suzuka GT racing seat and Schroth five point harness, stumbling over the cage as I get out, and made my way to the rear of the car, where he was standing:

(seedy asshole, speaking with a heavy romanian accent:
(seed) “…There’s almost no damage”
(Ben) ::in utter disbelief, bends down, looks at damage in three areas of the car, the fact that the bumper is still pushed in, the fact that the sides of the bumper near the tires are pushed down and out…
(Ben): “…..Yes, I’m fine THANK YOU!!!!! I’ll need your insurance card…”
(seedy) ..”Maybe the damage was already there? ::shrug”
(Ben):: still in utter disbelief, getting angry::
(Ben) If you can’t provide your insurance, I”ll just call the number on the side of your van for Elco Electric, since you seem to have been on a work related drive.

He ended up calling his boss, his boss called the police, the police came out and gave him a hard time since he tried to say that I stopped too fast (uh..no), the officer was about to slap him silly.

Anyway…..after all of that, I knew that if I had to follow up with this, I’d be lucky to get payment for the repair by 2007.

The adjuster comes out today ::fear:: …this will be the first time they’ve seen the car ever, and it has a roll-cage installed, no interior, race seats with five point harnesses, a fire suppression system…….and although right now I sit here with a nuclear stomache, …I think that part will work itself out.

My larger fear is frame damage to the car. I noticed this morning as I parked the civic in my work’s parking garage that the big hit most likely occurred dead center on the bumper, and that as force was absorbed by the bumper, the van slid to the rear right. I just really really really hope the frame is not bent. Seeing the car in that shape is so sad….

So, now, the waiting game…, waiting for Elec ELectric’s insurance company, Lincoln General, to accept liability…, I think that in all honesty, it just makes me sick. I just dished out $7500 to make this car ready for the track, as safely as can be…, and the result? The next day I’m rear-ended…., I truly feel sick to my stomache, and i don’t understand.

I look to see if there is anything in organized religion that can bring me coffort…, and I realize quickly, without doing much research, that the answer is no. I think my passion for motorsports runs too deep to be comforted by words like:

“It must have been Gods wish, so, even if you don’t see it now, the meaning will show up sooner or later”
…or…
“You shouldn’t have been so attached to the car to begin with. You want to race, and that is where your passion is, not the car…, car’s can be repaired…”

The last of the two makes more sense to me, but although I dont’ think this was the case before, I think I’ve broken the buddhist golden rule (I’m not Buddhist), …and have attached my happiness in more ways than one, to this …..car. I’m not guilty of that in many aspects of my life, attaching my happiness to a …thing…., but this car is now a member of my family, and as such… I love it… ::shocked:: I think I just reazlied this just now. I guess, for what it’s worth, this is probably one of the biggest factors contributing to my current state of being (Anxious Sadness). I love my car, and it’s hurt….., and like a protective parent…, I want to do whatever I can to make things right….

…but all I can do is sit here…..and wait…..

…going to be a long couple of weeks.

Dream a little dream…

At my first counselors session last week she told me to start keeping track of my dreams. She thinks that I have a problem “dealing” with things from my past. Mainly she said I don’t. Which is true. Denial is wonderful till you are down the road a few years and suddenly you are a loon.

I generally remember most of my dreams. I never really understood how people couldn’t because I wake up, and can recall later, most details of my dreams. So when she said that dreams are often an outlet for our past issues that need to be dealt with… I dunno. My dreams don’t seem TO ME to do that. But the rational side of me realizes that I’m not the best person to try and determine how “normal” people should be dreaming so I figured I’d give it a try and see what comes of it. Of course now all my dreams seem to scream ‘YOU ARE A LUNATIC AND YOU CAN’T RUN FROM ME ANY LONGER!!! MUAHAHAAAHAAAAHH.’

Wednesday night I had a dream that a midget was chasing me. He chased me into a house and when he finally caught up to me *I* pinned *HIM* to the ground. He kicked and screamed and fought like a SOB but I muffled everything he was trying to tell me and wouldn’t let him escape.

No, I don’t have issues!

I don’t know if I’m just paying more attention or if there’s been a subliminal message planted in there from talking to the counselor and now I’m dreaming that way because of it.

I know I have become psychic however because today Kristen said on a message board she was going to start a new topic that will bring up old arguments. Last night I dreamed at one point that she and I got into an argument online and the suddenly she was kicking my ass. Like, royally. It’s the first time I’ve ever had my ass kicked in the real OR dream world.

You’re lucky it wasn’t real life Kristen! You hear that!!

*runs and hides*

Crazy is as crazy does.

I’ve decided to take Kristen’s advise and see a counselor before going back to a psychologist again. I might need medicine again and I might not but I’d like to try the ‘not’ approach first.

The problem with this is that my HMO doesn’t cover “counseling”. So today I put my foot down and told the poor soul that happened to take the 5th call I’ve made in three days, “Look, you are either going to pay for me to see a counselor or in the next month you are going to have a very hefty bill from the psych ward at the hospital. Because I AM CRAZY. You can decide which you’d prefer to pay.”

They pre-authorized 10 visits. I know I’m not “crazy” but it’s amazing what depression can do to a person…

Anyway!! In other unrelated news: I finally got Cassidy’s PC set up in her room. Then Ben and I decided she needs a new case, a wireless PCI card, speakers, a chair, and I’m thinking a beanbag for when she want’s to watch movies on it. She and I are going to have a mommy/daughter geeky computer building day on Sunday.

We had a discussion today about how lucky she is to have her OWN computer in her bedroom at just under seven years old and how much responsibility comes along with it. And then I spent 2 hours researching parental control programs. Make it stop. Stop the growing of the child. For the sake of the crazy mom.

Hello, my name is Anna and I’m crazy too.

I need to go back to a head doctor. Taking myself off medication (even though I did wean myself) was probably not the best idea I’ve ever had. I wish I could say I wasn’t one of those people who were made “better” by pills. I wish I were one of those people in the non-crazy population who are happy and healthy and successful JUST BECAUSE. I also wish I was taller. But that’s a topic for another post.

I’m not one of those people, however. I’m one of the Blue Pill People. We should all wear labels on our clothes. Perhaps a big blue P. That way when we act like lunatics people can just avoid us and say, “No worries, it’s just a Blue Pill Person. You know how THEY get.”

I’m making an appointment today. I’m going to REALLY try to see if I can find a doctor that’s willing to take the time and effort to try and talk me out of my insanity WITHOUT the use of The Blue Pill. Or, at least be open to the idea that I don’t want to be on medication for the rest of my life because of all the adverse side effects they have. If he/she is even willing to put me on something temporarily so that we can have a few coherent discussions about why I’m depressive when my life in general kicks much ass that would be okay. I just don’t get WHY I’m depressed and if I need to take something long enough to see and understand that I’m willing… but forever? It’s bad enough that I have to take a pill EVERY TIME I drink a glass of milk, eat a cheese burger or gorge on ice cream to prevent the entire population of San Jose from suffering the explosion of activity that dairy causes in my digestive tract. *humph*

I’ve promised myself this time that if I AM put on something it’s NOT OKAY for ME to decide to wean myself off. Because even though I play a normal person on the outside, I’ll forever be a Blue Pill Person up here in my head. *points to hollow space above shoulders*

Pills and doctors

So I’ve been off the Zoloft for about a month now. I’ve decided that rather than getting more depression medicine from a general prac. doctor I’m going to start seeing a new Psychiatrist. I know that if I don’t get back on meds soon that what I was able to build up in my realtionship with Ben during what I call my ‘happy drug sane time’ it’s going to crumble back down.

I’m just not.. I don’t want to say ‘normal’ but hell, let’s be honest here! I don’t feel like me when I’m not on them. I have these moments where I can think to myself, ‘WTF are you thinking you crazy ass woman.’ But that doesn’t stop the thought. They are there. There a connection between thought/feelings/actions that normal people have that us crazies just don’t get.

On top of that I know there are things in my past that I haven’t dealt with or have skewed my outlook on life today. And I need to fix those things. I want to fix those things.

So yeah, the ‘as normal as drugs can make her happy Anna’ should be back soon.

Withdrawl

Anybody that tells you that Zoloft is not addicting and that you’ll suffer no withdrawl effects is an *F word* liar.

Cold sweats and headaches so far. Like REALLY BAD headaches. Like I had to stay home from work today. I hate missing work for any reason. I just, don’t do it. I go to work with the flu untill I pass out at my desk for Christ’s sake.

Ugh. It was my decision to quit cold turkey rather than lessen the does gradually because that would have taken two months to do. And after all the rading I’ve been doing, that process is not really any better… just longer.