Our company recently started monitoring even our AOL instant Messenger Chats using a new service called “Akonix L7″ (feel free to google). It basically logs everything you and your chat partner say. On the first outbound message to someone, they’ll receive a notice as described below. Some may say, well, that’s infringing on our personal privacy!!! But, this is company equipment, and as such, company internet, so, they have every right to do what they are doing. However, this email exchange below HAD to be posted (grin)…

One of my coworkers recently posted this to our group about it:
“…..I’m sure we have had possible email and IM monitoring for some time now but just recently others are getting messages about it when talking to me on various IM programs. The standard message says something like: “Administrator: Your communications are being monitored by the Akonix L7 system managing the person with whom you are connected.” Just a friendly FYI for those who discuss personal things over IM. I would be careful about what you share over IM if you don’t want others to possibly know :)….”

To which my boss responded:
“….Yes, we’ve been monitoring all of your communications for a couple of years. Managers get logs of every IM, chat or e-mail conversation you have on company equipment. But since you guys are spending most of your time chatting online, there is no way for me to sift throught he thousands of logs I get each day on you all. So I have to filter the logs for key words or phrases. Right now I only look for a few things. If the communication contains any of the following, the system flags them for me so I can investigate:

“I am giving this information to ATI”
“I hate my boss”
“I am going to come in on Sunday night and change all of the picks on the board” (*)
“How much can I make at your company”
“?????? is gay, not that there is anything wrong with that”
“I’m going to call in sick tomorrow so I can take my car to the track”
“I am going to go postal”
“George W. Bush is the best thing that ever happened to this country”
“How do I get to the next level in WoW?”

Even with this limited number of phrases, I can’t keep up with all the logs that get flagged, so you all my be safe for now.

:^)…..”

* Some lab folks exchange opinions and money on sports events

Three of the of the folks in the lab take their cars to the track, some are really into Seinfeld, some play World of Warcraft…, he truly is… the coolest boss ever.

A conversation I remember having now that I’ve posted and saw my ’stupid ants’ post.

Sitting at our computers:
Ben: *snickers*
Me: What?
Ben: *laughs*
Me: WHAT?!
Ben: How do you spell marching?
Me: M-A-R-C-H-I-N-G
Ben: But how do YOU spell it?
Me: M-A-R-C-H-I-N-G (!!)
Ben: But if you BLOGGED it, how would you spell it?!
Me: I DON’T KNOW! WHY!? How did I spell it?
Ben: M-A-R-T-C-H-I-N-G.
Me: I did?!
Ben: *laughing at me* Yes, you did.
Me: *tries to think of a witty response*
Me: Oh, well… WHATEVER!
Ben: *laughs harder*

I always wish I could be one of those people who think of something pun-tastic to say at the drop of a hat. Unfortunately I’m not. But Ben is. And this often leaves me at the losing end of what could be a pun-ny conversation.

I need to work on this..

Me: Hurry up and change clothes so you can get your homework done.
Cassidy: But mom I’m STTTTAAAAAAAARRRRVING.
Me: Go figure.
Cassidy: Can I have chips?
Me: While you do homework?
Cassidy: Please?
Me: Okay, but I better not see ONE trace of cheese on your homework or ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE HOUSE.
Cassidy: Duh mom, I totally lick my fingers.

When the hell did she start talking like a 16 year old?!

(+10 bonus points for recognizing the food item in the title. There is a clue there. AND GOOGLE IS CHEATING!!!)

On Monday at Pasand I told Cassidy that the Simosa’s and Kima Nahn that she loves so much contain lamb. She recoiled.

Cassidy: They take the blood out first though, right?
Me: There is not blood in the meat Cassidy.
Ben: It’s like beef only it’s meat from lambs. You know where beef comes from right?
Cassidy: From Happy Cows.
Me: *start to laugh at what I know is about to come next*
Ben: And where do Happy Cows come from?
Cassidy: CALIFORNIA!!! *laughs at her own joke*
Me: Ahhhh, American media at it’s finest.
Cassidy: *still laughing at herself*
Me: I should blog that.

I find myself saying that far too often about these little conversations and not actually taking the time to sit and write them down fast enough so I forget about them.

So yesterday after we dropped Ben back off at work after taking the deposit to the management company for the NEW HOUSE(!!) Cassidy was being REALLY chatty. She’s been REALLY chatty for about the last two months. TWO. MONTHS.

Cassidy: Mom?
Me: Yup.
Cassidy: Did you blog about that time when Ben said where do happy cows come from and I said california and you laughed and Ben laughed and I laughed because I was really funny?
Me: No, I didn’t. We’ve been really busy.
Cassidy: Are you GOING to blog about it because it was really funny and I think it should be on your website.
Me: Do you?
Cassidy: MmmHmm
Me: Well, we’ll see. Let’s just get home and check your homework and get the stuff done we NEED to get done and we’ll see, okay?
Cassidy: Okay.
*2.4 seconds of silence*
Cassidy: Can I put it on MY website?
Me: *oh no. Not this. Not this conversation.*
Me: Well, your website is kinda broken right now and we are going to be REALLY busy with the move IN A WEEK and my birthday this weekend and our internet connection will go down the 12th and we won’t have it again till when we move into the new house.
Cassidy: So you can fix it then?
Me: *grumble* Yes. I suppose I can.

I changed the subject right away. I wanted to talk to Ben to see how I should handle the rest of the conversation. Last night at dinner I told him about it.

Me: *recounts the conversation in the car*
Me: So then she asked me if SHE could blog on HER website and I might have had a semi freak out moment.
Ben: Does she even know what ‘blog’ means.
Me: She seems to!
Ben: Cassidy, what does ‘blog’ mean?
Cassidy: It’s when you write things on your website in your blog about… things… and stuff.
Me: !!!
Ben: Well, you can write things on your website but FIRST you have to write them down on paper and show us.
Me: *I’m dating the smartest, most level-headed, brilliant man EVER*

She wrote on the table at Macaroni Grill (they GIVE you the crayon’s and the table cloth is PAPER so don’t look at me like that!!):

“I am in second grade. I have friends. I like my friends. My friends are nice.”

And a blogger is born. I’ll get her site up after the move, disable comments, and the girl can blog…

Last night after dinner and walking back to our car we had a dual-blond-moment. If you count Cassidy it was a tri-blond-moment. I don’t think I’ve posted about this yet, but Ben bought a silver Honda Civic Coup EX to be his daily driver now that the M3 is completely gutted and ready for the cage install.

Anyway!! Imagine Ben, Cassidy and I leaving a restaurant and walking out to the parking lot to go home. Now, imagine that both Ben and I are having our dual-blond-moment thinking that we drove the Honda to eat.

Ben: We parked right over here didn’t we?
Me: Yeah, I thought it was this row. There’s not a lot of places to park…
Ben: *turning around to survey the entire lot* This is why I hate driving a Honda!
Me: *turning around to survey the entire lot and realizing that there is actually not a SINGLE silver Honda in the lot* Yeah… there are so many and you can.. never… find… your… car.
Ben: *turns around again*
Me: *starting to realize that the HONDA was STOLEN! You know that Honda’s are the MOST STOLEN CAR* I… We parked on this isle… I’m sure of it.
Ben: Yes we did.
…
Ben: In the GTI.
Me: *laughs* OMG! I think this was your first blond moment… EVER!
Ben: *laughs*
Me: Yep, totally blogging this.

You know, what good would a blog be if you can’t post about how cute your boyfriend is as a “blond”.

Sunday night my mom, Cassidy, Ben, Cameron and I all went to PF Chang’s for dinner to celebrate the end of Cameron’s birthday weekend and gorge on lettuce wraps. My mom had a sweater she bought that was too big in the bust region and gave it to me. It is beige and knit and very preppy but is perfect for work since I’m always cold and wrapping up there.

I always ask Ben his opinion on new clothing. Mainly because his answers are always so cute… and honest. Which I love. If my ass looks like the backside of a school bus, he lets me know and saves us BOTH the embarrassment. This was not true of the sweater talk after which I spent a good 30 minutes online looking up untraceable poisons to slip into his next Pepsi:

Me: So, how do you like this sweater?
Ben: It’s nice.
Me: HA HA ! Really, what do you think of it?
Ben: It’s very conservative.
Me: *I knew he was going to say that!!*
Ben: And… Republican looking.
Me: *jaw hits floor*
Ben: *busy doing something*
Me: I have NEVER been SO OFFENDED in my ENTIRE life!!
Ben: Well…
Me: *throws sweater on couch*
Me: *stomps off to room pouting*

I took the sweater to work. Every time I put it on I feel dirty. All the girls at work love it.

Since Cassidy has returned from three weeks at her fathers we’ve had to do the “retraining of the manners.” *sigh* She has picked back up the habit of getting our attention with the “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom” or “Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben” technique. She fires it at you in rapid succession like a woodpecker tapping at the inner depths of your brain.

After telling her several times in the car on the way to eat and then sitting at the table to: Be Patient, Say Excuse Me, and Wait… she was just not getting it. After telling her once and having her say, “Ben, Ben, Ben” not a minute and a half later he calmly looked at her and said, “Okay, no movie for you tonight.”

Now, I hate punishing her. I do, and I understand why it has to be done but a lot of the time I think I feel worse for punishing her than she does for receiving it. That is until I realize that she’s MUCH too smart to NOT be getting the rapid-firing-of-the-name rule. How do I know she’s to smart? Well, let me tell you.

I, feeling guilty that she was not going to get to watch the movie and while watching her eyes light up at the mear mention of dessert, decided to give her a choice on the punishment she received. We were eating at La Milpa. La Milpa happens to make the BEST flaun in the entire Universe. Yes people, THE FUCKING UNIVERSE.

This conversation followed:

Me: How about this? You can decide which punishment you receive. You can watch the movie and not eat dessert or you can get dessert but not watch the movie. You decide.
Cassidy: So you aren’t getting dessert?
Me: I am most certainly getting dessert.
Cassidy: But you said you were full.
Me: I am NOT too full for the best flaun in THE UNIVERSE. I am full. And I am getting dessert.
Cassidy: Welllll… How about THIS? What if I don’t eat my quesadilla, but DO get dessert THEN I can watch the movie because I’m still not eating something! *hopefull gleam in her eye*
Ben: *laughing*
Me: That was a VERY nice try. And while I have to give you a lot of credit for being very smart and coming up with what you thought was a fair compromise, it ain’t gonna happen. Dessert or the movie.
Ben: You have three seconds to decide. One… Two…
Cassidy: Fine! I’ll watch the movie.

Smart. Smart enough that she hasn’t pecked my brain all day.

Marie called me today at work. When she got to the school to pick up the girls Cassidy had blood on the front of her shirt. She’d had a bloody nose. The teacher (substitute) could not give her a reason why. :< She had Cassidy get on the phone and this is what followed:

Cassidy: Hi Mommy.
Me: Hi, baby. What happened to your nose?
Cassidy: Aziz put a pencil up my nose and it made me sneeze and it bled.
Me: … … …
Me: What?!
Cassidy: Aziz put a pencil up my nose and it…
Me: Yes, I heard you. Why did you let him sitck a pencil up your nose, Cassidy?
Cassidy: I didn’t want him to!
Me: Cassidy, please don’t let people stick things up your nose.
Cassidy: Okay, momma.
Me: And don’t stick them up there yourself either.
Cassidy: Okay, momma.
Me: You are moving out as soon as you turn 18.
Cassidy: Okay, momma.
…
Cassidy: Can I go to the park now?

We’ve been trying to break Cassidy from the ‘Um” word. She uses it about three times per sentence. It seems as if when we broke her from the word ‘like’ she replaced it with the word ‘um’.

What Ben does is tell her, ‘Start over again, take a deep breath and say what you have to say all in one breath.’ She can say A LOT in one breath. So today after telling her to do that and her getting out what she needed to say ‘um’ free this followed:

Ben: See, you can say a lot in one breath and without the word ‘um’!!
Cassidy: *nods*
Ben: Can you tell me how you are going to do it from now on?
Cassidy: I’m going to take a deep breath and then say what I need to say like *takes a deep breath* blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Like that.
Me: *laughing*
Ben: *laughing* You’re going to blog that, right?

Who taught her how to say ‘blah’?! sheesh!

Cassidy and I were watching the Oprah where she has a surprise baby shower for 650 pregnanat army wives… all from the same town!! At one time!*

Anyway, they were profiling some of the wives in the show and being pregnant, of course, they were a tad bit disturbingly emotional and talking about falling in love and such. I’m watching the sappy women when Cassidy looks straight at me and this is what followed:

Cassidy: Mom, I know what gay is.
Me: *chokes on water* Really?
Cassidy: *nods*
Me: *Maybe if I don’t say anything she’ll drop it*
Cassidy: *keeps looking at me*
Me: * Shit. She’s not going to drop it.* What is it?
Cassidy: It’s when a boy loves a boy or a girl loves a girl.
Me: Yes, that’s what it is.
Cassidy: But not the way you love me. It’s like LOVE love. Like if you were a boy and you loved Ben. Or Ben was a girl and he loved you. But you aren’t. You are a girl and Ben is a boy so you aren’t gay.
Me: *Oh God make it stop*
Cassidy: *keeps looking at me*
…
…
Cassidy: Can I have some Oreo’s?
Me: Yes. Go get some. *If you stop talking you can have all the cookies you want.*
Cassidy: YAY!! *runs to get cookies*

WTF is going on?! Periods. Sexual orientation. What’s next??? Wait, don’t answer that.

* Warning: If you happen to be visiting Fort Campbell Army Base in Kentucky, do not drink the water.)