I’m going to go make some bacon.

So about a month ago I decided that I needed to eat Mexican food or I would die after physically harming every living creature within 75 miles. I might have been a little premenstrual. Or a lot, whatever.

I love Mexican food. When I want to feel like a kid again, it’s my go to meal. I was lucky enough to be raised with a Mexican extended family. Like, REAL Mexican. Not that Americanized crap you get in a restaurant with premade tortillas and rice from a mix. Enchiladas made with love, mole made with 84 ingredients and simmered ALL DAY LONG then eaten with a batch of tortillas made fresh that day with REAL ACTUAL LARD from a tub. Real Mexican food is made with tubs of lard. TUBS OF LARD, PEOPLE.

Ben: Why do you want Mexican food?
Me: I don’t WANT Mexican food, I need it.
Ben: …
Me: Don’t look at me like that. LOOK AT MY OVARIES!
Ben: You are going to feel like shit later.
Me: No I won’t. Mexican food is MAGIC.
Ben: Yes, stomach aches are magic.
Me: Enchiladas.
Ben: Endless bathroom trips.
Me: Nachos.

We ended up getting Mexican food. Before I put my fork down the magic stomach ache started. As we were leaving the restaurant I started to blame Ben for allowing me to make such a stupid, estrogen driven decision. WHAT WAS HE THINKING!?

I was up ALL NIGHT LONG. The cramps. And the magic stomach ache.

It was bad.

So the next morning I was up before everybody else which is not something that happens on a weekend. EVER.

Cassidy was walking downstairs as I was sitting on the couch after having spent about 20 agonizing minutes in the downstairs bathroom finally ridding myself of all that lardy Mexican poison. LARD IS POISON, PEOPLE!

Cassidy: *deep breath*
Me: *looks innocent* Dude, sorry. I totally turned the fan on.
Cassidy: Did you make… bacon?
Me: What?
Cassidy: It smells like bacon, did you make breakfast?
Me: WHAT!?
Cassidy: I smell bacon!
Me: The only thing I’ve made today is POOP!
Cassidy: What?
Me: I made poop and YOU THINK IT SMELLS LIKE BACON!
Cassidy: EWWWWWWWWW!
Me: HAHAHAHA Mexican food is MAGIC!

For the past month when anybody needs to, you know, do THAT BUSINESS in the bathroom we refer to it as “makin’ bacon” or “I’m going to go make bacon”.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Mexican food is MAGIC.
2. Teenager are actually CRAZY.
3. My poop smells like BACON. Fuck roses, man. BACON!

MAGIC. CRAZY. BACON.

IN ALL CAPS.

Aren’t you glad I blogged now, honey?

#WINNING

Ben and I might be a little competitive. It’s mostly fun and light-hearted but you can bet your ass if we pay mini gold, SOMETHING IS ON THE LINE. Pride, sure, but BRAGGING RIGHTS. And the right to say I am #WINNING. Never underestimate the power of the #WINNING. The #WINNING can carry you through days, weeks… MONTHS.

Ben: I’m pretty sure I’m right about this.
Me: I AM THE MINI GOLF WINNER!

End scene.

He’s blogged three times this week. THREE DAYS IN A ROW. Ben is #WINNING at blogging. (Although I’d just like to point out that I attempted the August 30 Day Photo Challenge last month and blogged 15 days in a row so I still have the #WINNING streak. Yes, I realize I didn’t finish the challenge. I even win at losing).

Did you know that I have a birthday coming up? I DO! It’s Saturday. I like lilies, chocolate and cash deposited into my Paypal account. And pie. Lots and lots of pie. Just in case you were wondering.

So about a month ago I got a notice in the mail that I’d need to take the written driving test to renew my license this year by my birthday when it would expire. A month ago. I took the test today.

And let me tell you why. So far, I have always been able to use my driving test SIXTEEN YEARS AGO as the #WINNING. See, I scored a 98% on my test and Ben scored a 92%. So even though TECHNICALLY he can drive circles around me in his sleep while blind folded with one hand tied behind is back, I am still #WINNING. ON PAPER. Just because he can make me hurl in less than 5 laps on the race track and has made me pee myself a little on back roads drives, ON PAPER I am a better driver. There is actual PROOF.

So now I have to take this test and the #WINNING is on the line an I am nervous. Guys, I can not lose this. I NEED this. If I lose this I lose EVERYTHING. This is the ultimate #WINNING. I might as well just tattoo a big fat L on my forehead and resign myself forever to the fact that I no longer have this high ground with which to cast judgement.

I NEED MY HIGH GROUND.

So today is the day. I can’t put this off any longer. I have to take this test. And I have to pass. And not only do I need to pass, I need to pass with a #WINNING score. It’s go big or go home.

So I spend about two hours today taking practice tests and reading through the handbook and retaking the practice test and grilling my little brother who just had to take the test three times before he passed the other day and the whole way home I’m reminding myself 100 feet, 15MPH, right-of-way hierarchy, max BAC levels, I’VE GOT THIS!

So I get to the DMV and I pay my $31 (RIPOFF!), I get my thumbprint, I get my test, I walk to the table, I pick up my pen and…

BLANK! MY MIND IS BLANK! DO YOU STOP ON GREEN AND GO ON RED? RED IS THE PRETTIER COLOR! LETS GO ON RED! YEAH!

And I can see my high ground start to quake and flatten and I AM GOING TO BE #LOSING!

And then I remembered Ben’s recent calm. Told myself to snap the fuck out of it and… did.

So I take the test to the desk, hand it to the lady, she walks over and checks it, walks back and starts typing on her computer without a word.

Me: So…
Her: *typing*
Me: Did… I pass?
Her: Yeah.
Me: YES! *fist pump*
Her: *blank stare*
Me: How many did I miss?
Her: None.
Me: YES! BAM!
Her: *blank stare*
Me: Sorry, I just totally needed this. I have to beat my husband at the driving test scores.
Guy behind me: *snicker*
Her: *blink*
Me: We’re just, we’re competitive. Well, I’m more competitive than he his. Really he’s not competitive, it’s just me. I just need to beat him. Because of the high ground.
Her: Can you please stand behind the red line and smile?
Me: SURE! BECAUSE I’M #WINNING!
Her: Now, please?
Me: Okay.

*take picture*

Me: So, I get to keep the test right?
Her: *sigh* Yes.
Me: YES!
Her: You can go now. You’re done.

She must not be married. Or slightly insane.

#WINNING

Typical Thursday Night.

Ben asks me what I’m knitting (a pink striped scarf) and I can see in his eyes that he’s very much NOT in love with my awesome pink scarf and he looks down at his laptop (and I assume facebook) and a few seconds later says:

Ben: How do you spell fuchsia?
Me: A-S-S-H-O-L-E And also it’s not FUCHSIA, it’s HOT PINK.
Ben: *searches google for fuchsia and holds up screen*
Me: THAT IS NOT PINK! SEE!
Ben: Hold it up to the screen!
Me: *holds it up* SEE! NOT FUCHSIA!
Ben: Looks close enough to me.
Me: *holds up label for yarn* Do you see what that says? HOT PINK!
Ben: I can’t see that far.
Me: I hate you.
Ben: I love you too.

LOOK! PINK!

I’m not sure why we had to spend $14,000 to find out I had colitis when he could have diagnosed me with a $4.00 jar of peanut butter.

Cassidy fell asleep on the couch last night at 8:30PM. This is really odd for her because usually on Saturday nights she’s not even in bed till 11:00PM. She had been complaining about not feeling well all afternoon and then this morning woke up pretty stuffed up and not feeling well.

This afternoon she was sitting on the couch and I noticed her cheeks were pretty pink.

Me: Your cheeks are pretty pink, do you feel warm?
Cassidy: *shrug*
Me: You might have a fever, we should take your temperature.
Ben: You know, the best way to find out if you are sick or not is to rub peanut butter all over your face and let the dogs lick it off.
Me: …
Cassidy: OKAY!
Me: …
Ben: WOOHOO!
Me: …
Kumo: I HEARD PEANUT BUTTER THERE IS GOING TO BE PEANUT BUTTER WHERE IS THE PEANUT BUTTER I LIKE TO EAT PEANUT BUTTER!
Danica: WOOHOO I DON’T KNOW WHY WE ARE SO EXCITED BUT I’M GOING TO BE EXCITED TOO BECAUSE MY BROTHER IS EXCITED AND I LOVE MY BROTHER SO MUCH IN ALL CAPS!
Me: …

According to Dr. Benjamin Hirsch if you laugh when a dog licks peanut butter off of your face, you can’t be sick. It’s all very scientific.

Cassidy is not sick.

Treat please.

Breakfast @ 6:30AM: I need to work more protein into breakfast. Even if it means getting up earlier to cook something at home. I don’t WANT to do that though. When I start P90x I want to start having a Shakeology before I leave the house or on the way to work. That’s 17 grams of protein, 17 of carbs and only 150 calories! I also forgot flax seed meal AND my vitamin today. DOH!

1/3 cup of Danon Light & Fit Vanilla Yogurt
1/2 Fuji Apple
1/2 cup Puffins Peanut Butter Cereal

Calories: 168
Carbs: 20
Fat: 1
Protein: 4

Snack @ 9:30AM: I forot to take a shot before I ate it! DOH! I’m new to this! I’m sure I’ll start to remember in no time!

5 Ellie Krieger lemon shrimp
1/4 cup Ellie Krieger Soup cream & Chives Smashed Potatos

BANG!

Last Monday we missed our first Intermediate Dog Training class because Kumo was having some ‘potty issues’. In order to be in this Monday’s class we had to first make up that missed week and because Amy loves Kumo more than most parents love their kids, she let us come in last Sunday for a private lesson.

Have I mentioned how much I love Amy before? Because I do, a lot. She’s absolutely adorable. Kumo loves her even more though. When we get into the parking lot at PetSmart he starts to whine and attempts to climb out the window. I can’t exactly see his thoughts but I imagine it’s Kumo and Amy running towards each other in slow motion with Bolero playing softly in the background.

We got through the basic new commands rather quickly so Amy was teaching us some tricks to work on with him for fun. One of the tricks was pointing your finger at the dog and giving a loud verbal “BANG” which the dog responds to by laying on his side and playing dead. Ben was giddy watching this new trick. He had a huge grin on his face and I could clearly imagine him at the dog park showing Bob, and anybody else who showed up, this awesome new trick that Kumo had learned.

Amy mentioned that she had worked on the same trick the week before so while all the other dogs had a whole week to learn it, we’d be back the NEXT day so in order to not be shown up by all the other dogs, we’d have to get on it!

Amy: All the other dads had all week to practice!
Ben: We’ll get it!
Amy: Yeah, he’s such a smart boy! He’ll have it in no time!
Ben: Because he’s a GOOD BOY!
Amy: Yes he is! He’s a good smart boy!
Me: Yeah! And Ben will be home all day tomorrow BANGING THE DOG!
Ben: ….
Me: WHAT!?
Ben: HONEY!
Me: OH! OOPS!
Ben: *glare*
Me: *giggle*

And that is why often times when Ben has to leave the house he tries to lock me in the crate and take the dog with him instead.