I miss her SO much. Two days. I keep telling myself that I’m doing this because I’m a good mom. Even though he doens’t call for six months, and hasn’t paid me child support in over two years, she should get to know her dad. She should. But goddamn I miss her.

Two more days…

Once again. I told Cassidy that I’d call her tonight to see how she is. Called at 3:30 and she wasn’t with her dad. He works out of the garage at home so I’m not sure where she was but (big surprise) she wasn’t with him. I told him to have her call me back when he saw her next.

8:00PM - No call. Called again. Left message.

9:00PM - No call.

I can not go through this again. I won’t. Before I was weak and stupid and I thought I owed him time with her. I am not that person anymore. I’m the person that’s been hardened by having to mend a wounded seven-year-old heart after she doesn’t receive a phone call, a letter, any form of acknowledgement for six month at a time from her father. I’m not beyond driving 500 miles in a night to go get her.

I will not do it. I don’t have to do it. I’m trying to be the ‘better person’ by volunteering this month and a half once again this summer, but I will not be the person that lets her down. It’s very important to me that I keep my word about things like this because I’ve seen first hand what HIM doing it to her OVER AND OVER AND OVER again has done to her emotionally.

Knowing that I wasn’t able to talk to her tonight when I TOLD her I would is… *insert worst pain you’ve ever felt here*

Cassidy will be leaving to go to her biological fathers house for a month and a half on the 18th. As much as I try to not let this effect me, it does. And because of it I’ve been in a foul mood for about a week now. The kind of mood where I don’t want anybody else in the world to exist except for my family and a few close friends. So if I’ve blown you off or not responded to you or been generally bitchy, I’m sorry. I’ve been focusing my time and energy on Ben and Cassidy.

I had actually written a long rant about not getting paid child support for over two years and the fact that her father waited SIX MONTHS to call her after he saw her on Christmas but I realize that’s wasted energy. Just, wasted.

She is a very lucky girl because she has Ben in her life. Ben who gets her ready for school every day, and who makes sure her room is clean every night, and who can make her laugh with a SINGLE LOOK, and who bands with her to gang up and pick on me, and who takes the time to teach her math, and challenges her mind, and who encourages her creativity, and who expects her to be honest and trustworthy and disciplines her accordingly… but most of all who LOVES her. Loves her like she were his own child.

The kind of bond and love they share IS a father/daughter bond. I have people tell me all the time how very clear it is to an outsider that Ben is very special and very important to her.

Ben, we are BOTH so lucky to have you in our lives. I don’t tell you NEARLY enough how much your relationship with Cassidy means to me. The love, kindness and patience you’ve shown her over the last few years is extraordinary. When the teacher tells us how kind and big hearted she is, I know that most of that is NOT coming from me and my hot head. That is a quality attributed to you. Your influence over her and how her life will take shape and the kind of women she will become is something that is eternal and true and something that you should be very proud of.

You are a extraordinary man. Thank you.

Friday Cassidy received her classes Superstar Award. She’s been DYING to get this award all year and about two months ago her teacher told her that if she turned in ALL of her homework and improved in math that she would get it. On Monday of last week I asked if she had gotten it and she said that another student had gotten it instead. I was heartbroken for her because her face fell and she was almost in tears when she told me. And a little pissed off at the same time since she HAD turned in all her homework and HAD improved in math so I told her that I’d go in Wednesday to talk to the teacher to see what was up. Before I could even turn my car off after school on Wednesday she came running up screaming I GOT SUPERSTAR I GOT SUPERSTAR I GOT SUPERSTAR. When she got in the car I gave her a big hug and told her how proud I was of her and she read me the letter telling me what time to be there Friday because the parents get to help present the award. She started crying when she read it to me. This award meant THAT MUCH to her.

So my Friday started a off nice and a little early because I left work early to make sure I was there for the award ceremony. They even gave her one of those horrid “My Child is a SUPERSTAR” bumper stickers. We taped it to the inside of the back window of my car. As proud of her as I am, I’m NOT about to stick a bumper sticker on My Precious. heh

(Aside - I owe a GIGANTIC ENORMOUS HUGE thank you to Ben for being so understanding about me ditching out on his track day Friday @ Buttonwillow so last second. I really wanted to be there and I PROMISE that I’ll make it up to you. *devilish grin*)

Saturday we went to Chris’s Graduation Fest. All the NorCalBMW crew was there so, of course, it was a fantastic time. I love getting to hang out with my NorCal family. And I REALLY love Jello Shots. A lot. The kids had a blast, too.

Sunday I was supposed to go out with the NorCal crew to celebrate Jason’s 21st birthday. But I got a raging sinus headache that started late Saturday evening and lasted pretty much till early Monday morning. So much so that I spent most of Sunday in a Benadryl induced coma. Ben planned a really fun evening for him though. Dinner at Gordon Biersch Brewery, Tracy Morgan at The San Jose Improv, then pool at 1st Street Billiards. He seemed to have a really good time. Well, when they stumbled in the door at midnight they were STILL having a really good time. I really wish that I could have gone but I felt SO BAD. I’m sure that I’ll have plenty more chances to out drink him though so…

Monday I felt SO much better and after having been stuck inside the entire day before I decided to get out in the fresh air a bit so Cassidy and I spent most of the day digging out grape vines and planting and transplanting and making the yards pretty. We planted the Bougainvillea and also got some fun stuff to plant. Tomato’s, green peppers, green beans and strawberries. She’s SO INTO planting and growing right now. Every day after homework we walk around the house and check on all our plants to see how they are doing. We might have to transplant my Mother’s Day gerber daisy. I think it’s getting too much water and not enough sun where it is. I’ll probably stick it in a pot and put in on the back patio.

SO! That was my weekend. Oh yeah, we topped it off last night by going to my new obsession, Aqui. The food there is SO good. Fresh and healthy (Ben had free range turkey meatloaf casserole which had big chunks of vegetarian tamale mixed into a yummy tomato sauce) and JUST SO GOOD.

Because people have asked how the whole “girlfriend” thing happened. Here it is in chat logs.

I messaged Ben as I was walking in the house from the mailbox. I didn’t know if I should laugh or THROW UP.

[15:10] Anna (tmobile): Oh… My… God.
[15:11] Anna (tmobile): One of the little BOYS(!!!!) that cassidy was playing with Monday…
[15:11] Anna (tmobile): Left a LOVE NOTE in the mailbox for her.
[15:11] Anna (tmobile): He called her his GIRLFRIEND!!
[15:12] Anna (tmobile): And drew a picture of her wearing the outfit she was wearing !!!
[15:12] Anna (tmobile): I’m locking her in her room.
[15:12] Anna (tmobile): She is never allowed outside again.
[15:13] Anna (tmobile): Also… Googling “chastity belt”

He wrote her a little letter telling her that he thinks she is “nice and fun and cute too”. And that she is his 18TH GIRLFRIEND!! Then he drew a picture on the back of her in what she was wearing the day they first played together. Complete with butterfly’s and flowers. On the envelope he painted a heart with wings. I have to assume is mom helped with this because it was really well done. I’d POST PICTURES if she’d let me anywhere near the damn thing. But after last night she won’t even let me TOUCH it. heh

Last night when I asked her if I could show the note to Ben…

Her: MOooOOOOM!!
Me: What?!
Her: I don’t want to show it to Ben.
Me: Why?
Her: Because he’ll make fun of me and be like “You LIKE him” and I don’t LIKE him like that. Just as a friend.
Me: He won’t make fun of you!
Her: Yes he will!!
Me: Okay, fine.

*quiet for a second*

Me: Can I take a picture of it and post it on the internet?
Her: NO! MOM!
Me: Nobody READS the INTERNET, Cassidy!!
Her: *glare*
Me: FINE! OKAY! No internet.

*quiet for a second*

Me: So, are you going to tell him that you don’t like him ‘like that’?
Her: I don’t know.
Me: That will probably hurt his feelings… So just tell him that your mom said you aren’t allowed to have a boyfriend till you are 25.
Her: *rolls eyes* Okay.

Walking into Tace Bell later talking about school.

Me: So, does Nathan go to your school?
Her: Do we HAVE to talk about this right now?!?!
Me: Well, I think that when a BOY(!!) is calling you his GIRLFRIEND that we need to talk about it Cassidy, yes!
Her: He’s NOT my boyfriend!! I’m NOT his girlfriend!! No dating till 25, I GET IT MOM!!
Me: OooooKAY!!

I’m pretty sure it’s in her backpack but we had a really busy night last night. We came home from work/school, got homework done, packed a bag, got Ben off to Bakersfield for his track day today, grabbed some quick food then headed to the X-Men preview. (It sucked :() Then I took her to my moms so she could take her to school today because Ben was out of town. SO! I didn’t get a chance to look for it. But you can bet that once I do, there will be pictures. There’s just no way I can’t save this to totally embarrass her when she’s 16!!

Still don’t didn’t know if I should laugh or cry. So I’ve just been dealing with it by having a small nervous breakdown. heh