Then I think about the fact that in about 3.5 years Ben and I will get to stop being legally responsible for anybody but ourselves and all that would mean and… I kind of can’t wait. For instance, I could implement a No Pants Rule in the house and if Cassidy doesn’t like it then she can move to her own fascist house where stupid pants are a requirement.
So I sit back down and make another list.
Reasons you really don’t ever want another child:
After a few months you realize that babies actually smell like vomit and poop and sleep deprivation.
Screaming babies are not cute.
Kid clothes are expensive. And even though you own 75 onsies and 48 pairs of baby leg warmers and 93 bibs, you can’t walk in the door of a Target without “accidentally” walking down the baby isle and buying at least 2 more of each because you are an emotion hormonal nutcase and if your baby doesn’t have 1,249 pairs of socks you are depriving them and I JUST WANT TO BE A GOOD MOM STOP JUDGING ME!
I really hated cracked nipples and my milk letting down in the restaurant when the baby across the room that has no relation to me whatsoever cried and now the two hours I put into looking good to go out on a date night has been ruined by the two basketball sized milk stains on my shirt.
I’m an adult! I don’t need stupid kids for Halloween candy! I can buy candy whenever the fuck I want! Also: This year I think I’ll buy my normal amount of Halloween candy then just not answer the door when the kids knock. Instead, every time I get a knock, I’m going to eat another piece of candy while looking through the peephole at the faces of sad, candy deprived children. And I will smile. And there will be no guilt. Also: GET OFF MY LAWN
Instead of having to clean baby fat rolls in a bath every day, I can soak in a bath MYSELF with a glass of wine and Kitchen Nightmare episodes on the iPad. And I won’t even have to put pants on afterward.
No matter how cute the fat rolls are, I am really REALLY looking forward to the No Pants Rule. And most importantly, I remember that cute little babies grow into slightly less cute toddlers, then slightly more pain in the ass kids and then eventually into somewhat intolerable teenagers.
So on April 11th, 19 day ago, I went and had the Mirena IUD inserted. This baby factory is closed, people. Also, I have been bleeding for 16 out of 19 days. But that’s another post for another day. It will go into how I’m pretty sure my cervix packed it’s bag and didn’t even bother to leave a note before walking out of my life forever. Because OMG PAIN.
I’m kind of surprised about how okay I am with this decision. And of course, there is always the option of having it removed if for some crazy reason I change my mind but I’m about 99.99999999999999999999999% sure that Cassidy is going to be an only child and in 3.5 years you should definitely call before you come over because there’s about a 100% chance I will not be wearing pants.
Earlier this evening I got tired of having to get off the couch every time the doorbell rang so I enlisted Cassidy to take a shift handing out Halloween candy to all the adorable little sugar fueled kids.
Cassidy: Why do parents of two year olds come to the door and get candy? They aren’t going to let the kids actually eat all that candy and most of the kids sit in a stroller on the sidewalk while the parents come to the door to get the candy. Me: Cassidy, there’s only two reasons any adult willingly chooses to have kids. Only two. One is the tax break, the other is the Halloween candy. Cassidy: That’s… horrible. Me: Yeah, but the free chocolate makes you get over that pretty quick.
… Me: You’re welcome. Cassidy: For what? Me: This enlightening life lesson. Cassidy: Halloween is NOT about the kids? It’s about adults eating your candy when you go to bed? Me: EXACTLY!
Cassidy REALLY loves to cook. She’s been SO AWSOME lately and while Ben and I work out in the evenings, she cooks dinner. The work out and the kitchen are connected so if she needs to ask any questions or oversee how things are going, we’re right there.
Me: *pumping iron* Ben: *pumping iron* Tony Horton: BRING IT! Cassidy: Mom, how do I get the onion juice? Me: Ummm. Ben: What? Cassidy: I need the onion JUICE. Me: I think you need to read the recipe again. Cassidy: It says: “Meanwhile, in a medium bowl, combine onion and lime juice; set aside.” Me: HAHahhah. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HAaaaAAAAHHHHAAHAHAHAAHHAAHHA Cassidy: … Ben: Onion. *deep breath* And lime juice. Cassidy: OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Me: OMG REMIND ME TO BLOG THIS LATER! Cassidy: *angry stare*
Sometimes living with a teenager is better than TV.
Me: WWWHHHHHHAAAAAAaTTTT!? Cassidy: Mama? Me: Cassidy. Cassidy: Is it okay if Alexis comes over? We need to bake stuff for the bake sale we’re having for Lucero Luna. Me: Do you have your… Cassidy: My PE clothes are in my bag. Me: And you talked to your teacher about that… Cassidy: She put the grade in wrong, I got a C but I’m going to do some corrections and bring it up and it will be better. Me: Okay, I’ll be there in like 10 minutes. Cassidy: OKAY! Me: OKAY BYE!
In the car:
Me: I can already tell what’s going to happen here. I’m going to be up till 11:00PM baking things. Cassidy: I’m going to make it all! Me: Between shopping for the stuff, homework, laundry, vacuuming and dinner you are going to bake four batches of brownies and two batches of Rice Krispie treats? Cassidy: YES! Me (to Alexis): I’m going to be up all night baking. Alexis: Probably!
Go to store. Buy ALL THE THINGS!
Me: So four boxes of brownies, two boxes of Rice Crispies, three packages of marshmallows, two bags of M&Ms. Wait, why do we have two bags of M&Ms? Cassidy: For the rice crispy treats! Me: We only need one bag, there are enough for like 78 BILLION BATCHES there. Cassidy: They’re two for $8.00! Me: So get ONE for $4.00!
A minute later they reappear!
Alexis: They’re actually $7.00 a bag! So you get a whole extra bag for $1.00! Me: Oh, well then you should get two! Cassidy: OMG WE JUST PUT IT AWAY! Me: WELL GO GET IT AGAIN! Cassidy: OKAY! *epic eye roll*
On the way to the car:
Cassidy: So we need to make the posters tonight so we can put them up tomorrow so kids bring money. Alexis: Okay! Me: WAIT! WHAT!? Cassidy: We. Need. To. Make. Post… Me: I GOT THAT!? Tonight? So this things isn’t till Wednesday!? Cassidy: Nope. Me: @(#$@#*)$)@*#%@#% You told me we had to bake TOOOOOOODAY! Cassidy: I did? Alexis: I’m pretty sure you did say that. Me: I AM GOING TO LOSE ALL MY HAIR Cassidy: I’ll still think you’re beautiful. Me: I’m going to punch you in the face. Alexis: I’ll still think you’re beautiful, Cassidy.
The only reason I didn’t make them walk home from the store is because I think what they are doing is very admirable. They are trying to raise money to help whatever family Lucero had left give her a decent funeral. I can’t be mad at that. And I’ll probably be up all night baking and that’s okay.
Cassidy is on the yearbook team? Committee? And she and her friend suggested that they make a page for her in the yearbook.
This kid. Sometimes I want to punch her in the face, other times I want to hug her till she promises to never leave home.
Cassidy fell asleep on the couch last night at 8:30PM. This is really odd for her because usually on Saturday nights she’s not even in bed till 11:00PM. She had been complaining about not feeling well all afternoon and then this morning woke up pretty stuffed up and not feeling well.
This afternoon she was sitting on the couch and I noticed her cheeks were pretty pink.
Me: Your cheeks are pretty pink, do you feel warm? Cassidy: *shrug* Me: You might have a fever, we should take your temperature. Ben: You know, the best way to find out if you are sick or not is to rub peanut butter all over your face and let the dogs lick it off. Me: … Cassidy: OKAY! Me: … Ben: WOOHOO! Me: … Kumo: I HEARD PEANUT BUTTER THERE IS GOING TO BE PEANUT BUTTER WHERE IS THE PEANUT BUTTER I LIKE TO EAT PEANUT BUTTER! Danica: WOOHOO I DON’T KNOW WHY WE ARE SO EXCITED BUT I’M GOING TO BE EXCITED TOO BECAUSE MY BROTHER IS EXCITED AND I LOVE MY BROTHER SO MUCH IN ALL CAPS! Me: …
According to Dr. Benjamin Hirsch if you laugh when a dog licks peanut butter off of your face, you can’t be sick. It’s all very scientific.