This post is pretty much going to consist of me being a whiny bitch and all poor me and FEEL SYMPATHY AND PAT MY HEAD AND TELL ME EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.

Okay?

Good!

So work has been HELL. Like, actual flames and pitchforks and varying rings of suckage. Based on the people surrounding me I’d say I’m somewhere below the water in the 5th ring surrounded by a bunch of sloths… which is the nicest way I can find to say it short of yelling, “I’m surrounded by MORONS.” Which wouldn’t be very nice. Tempting, but not nice.

I’d go into more here but the LAST thing I need to add to the stress is to walk into work and find out I’ve been dooced so I’ll just say that I’m doing the work of 1.5 people, literally, and leave it at that. Like, my productivity last week was 167%. Individually. For the week. Hell.

Lets see, what else?

Last week we had our first 100 degree day here and SURPRISE! Our AC was dead. We woke up to a power surge a few weeks ago which fried the control panel in the oven (I was reminded we are still waiting on the part today when I went to turn on the over and NOTHING HAPPENED and I ended up ruining my potatoes trying to cook them on the grill) and we never thought to try the AC! We went through two agonizing, horrible days with no AC. I had actual sweat. Like, ON MY BODY. *shudder*

The guy came out to fix it Saturday and apparently the power runs from the breaker, to the furnace, to the AC. So it was actually the HEATER that was broken and it wasn’t allowing the AC to come on. Makes perfect sense to me! Actually it doesn’t but I pretended that it did when Ben explained it to me.

So YAY! We have AC!!! Except we’ve only had to run it for like, AN HOUR over the last few days, because as soon as the damn thing was fixed the temperature dropped and it was BEAUTIFUL outside.

Oh! Something good!

Really good actually!

Ready?!

We finally got to use our tickets for Beauty and the Beast! The tickets Cassidy’s Papa and Nana Cherie got her for Christmas. It was AWESOME. It’s so cute when Cassidy watches something like this and gets REALLY into it because she’ll start to mimic the movements of the people on stage. Generally, the LEAD girl. She did it during the Hannah Montana movie, and then this too. It’s like she wants to burn it all to memory and the best way to do that is to.. DO IT.

I never say anything to her or tell her to stop because if she’s THAT into something, I can’t help but get just as into from watching her. It’s awesome that stuff like that is still so magical to her because getting to see it through her eyes gives me a reason to be 9 all over again and in awe of Belle and the story.

So okay, it wasn’t ALL bad. Still, if you want to pat my head and tell me it’s okay I won’t discourage you. I might even offer you a glass of wine and a seat beside me on the couch to watch House. Only one though! Don’t be greedy!

Remember that project I mentioned in the last blog and how it was only going to take a few more days and then I’d get it up and share it with the world? Well, I figured that I’d add some content and wrap it up this weekend for a BIG DEBUT on Monday and… then I was bitten by the Spring Cleaning Bug and spent the majority of the weekend scrubbing floors, throwing things away and organizing my socks by color order.

I get the OCD like drive to CLEAN AND ORGANIZE and NOTHING is safe. At this point I have my bedroom, bathroom, closets, desk and laundry room CLEAN. Clean but not completely organized the way I’d like them to be. So I’m going to continue with the initial cleaning spree this afternoon and hit the guest bedroom and bathroom and then eventually move downstairs. After the whole house has been obsessively washed (Seriously, I actually do the toothbrush to the baseboards thing) then I’m going to go BACK through and get rid of MORE stuff that didn’t make it out the door in the original sweep.

I’m tired of having so much STUFF. I am a complete pack rat, I can admit it, but there comes a point when ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Like, that parking pass from San Francisco that was sitting on my nightstand from dinner a MONTH ago? Why was I keeping that?!

Plus! I’ve been getting some cute things for the house from Etsy that I want to get hung up, pictures from Maui LAST YEAR, and I bought new ink to get up some pictures from THIS year, and wedding pictures and SO ON. But I just CAN’T hang pictures in a dirty room. I just can’t. I get out the nail and the hammer and as I go to swing, the shoe laying in the corner is like:

Shoe: OMG WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! DON’T YOU SEE ME LAYING OVER HERE JUST… LAYING!
Me: Stupid shoe. Do you see what you’ve turned me into!?

Sometimes I think I should keep these internal dialogues to myself. heh

In closing, I’ll leave you with Cassidy and her cute new haircut and her orange smile. She might not look as much like me as I’d like, but dammit I’m raising her to love and cherish her crazy side. It’s the least I can do.

PS - A HUGE thanks to the Intense Debate crew who got my comment links to work in IE. Those guys are SO GREAT about communication and customer service and if you haven’t tried it yet, please go and do it now!

*squeel* Friday I will be announcing BIG NEWS and while I’d love to spill the beans RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND, I’m not going to. And you have no idea how much it’s killing me not to tell the internet my BIG NEWS because I suck at keeping secrets. Not, like, secrets my friends tell me, but surprises. Seriously, when I have a surprise for Ben I’m like, “I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU! Do you want a hint?! Well, I’m going to give you one anyway, IT’S A NEW CAR!” Not that I’ve ever bought him a new car, but if I DID, that’s totally how it would go over.

Instead I’m going to tell you about our dinner at Outback the other night because every time I talk about it I have to stop half way through to keep from laughing and if I can’t tell the internet my BIG NEWS, the very least I can do is make you laugh.

So, the waiters at Outback have always done this thing where they sit in the booth while taking your order. I guess it’s supposed to make it feel like they’re a friend there to help you and make you feel comfortable and, whatever, just get my food and drinks to me. However you need to get that done, I’m cool.

Our waiter sits down and takes our order… and then moved in with us. Before we even had our DRINKS we knew that his girlfriend, Cassy, was a dance teacher and worked at two different dance studios, that he had recently applied to the Police Academy but then blew out his knee and tore his meniscus and some other important knee parts and was going to have surgery and he was really nervous and he loves kids and plans to have a huge family one day and…

Me: I’d like a Shark Bite with the 151 Rum floater. ASAP please.

Then he told us all about how he’d had a few too many Shark Bites in Cancun once and like, WHOAH, what a time he had.

I’m totally not joking. I’d had a REALLY rough day at work and GOOD LORD JUST BRING ME MY DRINK ALREADY! So our drinks come, my Shark Bite, a Long Island for Ben and milk for Cassidy. And shortly before our meal came he reached down to check on Cassidy’s milk and the next 10 seconds happened in slow motion:

He reaches for the drink, shakes it, goes to set it back down, misses the table, the milk hits the booth, he jumps to grab for it, pushes his thumb through the styrofoam cup and the milk proceeds to turn into a MILK EXPLOSION. At which point he starts to run around like he’s being attacked by a swarm of fire ants.

He apologized, PROFUSELY, and to make up for it brings Cassidy a big glass of chocolate milk. THANKS! Because what I totally wanted was to sugar her up at 8:00PM! Whatever. My Shark Bite is starting to kick in and I’m caring less and less. Did I mention where he sets the milk down? Directly in front of Cassidy’s left hand, two inches from the edge of the table.

I bet you can see where this is going can’t you?

Yep, that glass of milk lasted about 10 minutes before IT turned into a milk explosion. Only a CHOCOLATE milk explosion.

Me: Dude, we’re on some hidden camera show? I’m being punked, right? Where’s the camera?

The best part of the night though came straight from Cassidy herself. At one point I was telling Ben that the alcohol was making me feel warm and relaxed and…

Cassidy: If you get drunk, don’t poke holes in me.
Me: Um… Oooookay?

Back story, at one of the many parties we had at our house, Ben was “feelin’ good” and took the Henckel to the ice that I had in our favorite metal mixing bowl and now you can’t mix anything in the bowl. On the plus side, it can efficiently strain MASSIVE amounts of spaghetti.

The other gem came when I leaned over to smell Ben’s freshly clean sweatshirt for about the 30th time (I have a Downy obsession) and said again how OMG GOOD it smelled and…

Cassidy: Is it his BowChikaBowWow?
Me: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
*deep breath*
Me: What?!
Cassidy: You know the BowChikaWowWow I got him for Christmas?

*dies*

You had to HEAR her say it with that perfect nasal inflection. It was probably the funniest thing she’s EVER said. I start laughing, Ben starts laughing, she’s laughing at us laughing. I’m laughing now just reliving it! Hopefully you laughed too because that’s the end of the story.

It seems like this is how all our outings go. I have two of my own personal comedians to keep me constantly entertained and when that isn’t enough and I’ve had a particularly rough day, they enlist the help of outsiders to make it THAT MUCH BETTER.

Anyway, I need to get my 365 up and get myself into bed. I hope you all have a fantastic week! I’ll be busy, busy, busy and probably won’t be back to post till Friday when the BIG NEWS is announced.

Dear Wednesday,

Could we possible start all over again? Because so far, YOU SUCK!

Love always (except today),
Antigone

Lets recap:

5:15AM: SHIT! LATE! Check calendar on iPhone while rubbing sleep from my eyes… so much to do today. Bother. Grab jeans, shirt, brush teeth while brushing hair, grab apple and banana, run for the door.

5:30AM: Stop! Run back upstairs and kiss Ben over and over and over and over and over to make up for not being able to for the next four days. He’s heading to Park City Utah for a ski trip with some buddies.

5:40AM: Stop for RedBull. Sugar free, natch. It’s a weakness. And it keeps me alive till about 8:00AM.

5:45AM: WHAT. THE. FUCK is with all the traffic? This is why I leave the house at 5:30! Oh, hey! 101 North is still closed 12 hours after the gas spill so every idiot driver heading into San Francisco is doing so ON MY FREEWAY. Joy.

6:05AM: Only five minutes late. Tell The Boss right away that I CAN NOT train people today like I have for the last two days because remember that report you gave me on Friday to have done today? Yeah, remember how you pawned off this training crap on me Monday and Tuesday? Well I haven’t touched that report, or my mail, or my email and I have about 1000 voids to process and 10,000 requests sitting on my desk waiting for a signature so they can be processed.

6:06AM: The Boss starts to shiver a little and tells me he will find somebody else to pawn training off on.

7:05AM: Ben messages me to asks if I have the receipt number for his dry cleaning. I took his ski pants in to be cleaned and mended and was supposed to pick them up yesterday (he’s leaving today) and completely spaced it so he had to go this morning. And it’s like, 100 feet from our front door so not that big a deal… as long as you have the damn receipt!

7:10AM: Return 15th previously ignored voice mail, put out 7th fire.

7:20AM: Ben calls, Cassidy is sick, complaining of a belly ache, running to bathroom, no fever. Tell him to let her stay home but have secret plan to call at 8:15 and seeing how she feels. I assume she’ll be fine because she has my belly and after 30 or so minutes and a bathroom trip she usually starts to feel better. I plan on telling her to get dressed and head to school. If not I’ll call the neighbor and she can hang there for the day. Glad I’m one up on the favor tree!

7:35AM: Ben calls. The cleaners hadn’t mended his pants yet and the girl wasn’t in yet. FIGURES! The guy pays BEN $20 even though he was only going to charge me $4.00 and sends him to a nearby shop where they can do it quickly. I feel like an asshole for not getting there yesterday.

7:50AM: Cassidy calls me. WHILE she is throwing up. I tell her to put the phone down and finish… She does. I tell her to go get some water, lay down, I’ll be home as quick as I can.

8:00AM: Quickly finish up what I was working on, delegate the 1000 things I had to do today to my co-workers, head home.

8:15AM: SO GLAD I’m heading the OPPOSITE direction as the traffic now. 280 and 85 are more backed up then I’ve ever seen them. Even the carpool lane isn’t moving.

8:25AM: Call Ben, the girl at the other place was able to mend his pants but she wasn’t happy with the job she did so basically doesn’t want to make him pay. He insists she takes the full $20.00 for doing it so quickly. Ben has the best Karma Rating in the world. Tell him one last time that I love him, have fun, don’t break anything, GO FORTH AND SKI!

8:30AM: Get home. Check on Cassidy who is like, “HI! I’M FINE AND CAN I GO TO SCHOOL!? BY THE WAY, I’M STARVING!”

8:31AM: Press fingers into ears to prevent steam from releasing.

8:32AM: Walk into bathroom to clean up toilet. Oh look, she threw up IN THE SINK. And there is all is! STILL THERE. IN THE SINK.

*deep breath*

And now I’ve been watching Disney Channel and Nickelodeon for the last 4 hours cuddled up with Cassidy on the couch. She’s not 100% but whatever it was seems to be subsiding. I, however, feel a little piece of my soul dies as each 30 minute block of crap kid show ends.

How is your Wednesday going?

Jenn tagged me! And normally, I don’t do the meme thing because I sit down and am FORCED to think of six things and, HI! Have you ever met me in real life? I have the attention span of a gnat. With ADHD. After a Starbucks Double Shot. Or five.

But I’m going to do it anyway because I love The Jenn*.

The Rules are:
Link to the person that tagged you
Post the rules on your blog
Share 6 non-important things/quirks about your kid
Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs
Let each person know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog
Let the fun begin!

1) I’m stealing Jenn’s first because it’s true for Cassidy too. She loves veggies! And broccoli is her favorite! She’s actually asked, all on her own, to substitute fries for broccoli at restaurants. And every time I blurt out ‘IT WAS HER IDEA’ to the waitress because I don’t want people to think I’m some nazi parent that forces her kid to eat veggies. You know, like, RESPONSIBLE and stuff! *shudder*

2) Cassidy has a crazy imagination. You can hand her a gum wrapper and she’ll adopt it, build it a house, name it and have it’s entire life story planned out before the gum loses flavor.

3) She is hungry ALL. THE. TIME. It doesn’t matter what time of day or night it is, she’s down to eat. My mom swears I was the same way at this age and now I understand all the “hollow leg” jokes because WHERE IS ALL THAT FOOD GOING?! She’s still under on the weight charts but over on the height charts for the kids her age. From what I understand of the family history, the leg fills to capacity at around 18 and the food starts to fill in the ass region… and never stops.

4) She LOVES the Food Network and to cook. I really need to start cooking at home more to encourage this passion. Actually, that’s a really good idea because if she really likes it and gets good at it she can cook us dinner every night! Yeah, definitely on to something there.

5) She snores and talks in her sleep. The talking in her sleep thing can get rather entertaining.

6) She is really compassionate. Most kids complain when they have to go though toys or cloths to give them away and she will fill up garbage bags full of stuff to give. She will give a kid all her money without a second thought and she wants to be friends with EVERYBODY. The whole friend today, not tomorrow 4th grade girl drama is tough on her because she has a really big heart that gets bruised easily. I can’t count the number of times she’s said, “I don’t understand why we can’t ALL be friends.” She’s had two groups turn on her at once because she refused to pick sides in some petty fight. Right now it’s not a big deal because at this age they seem to forget the petty fights in a day or two but I’m worried about what will happen in high school when the petty fights are lead but catty, vindictive, hormone driven Mean Girls.

*I linked you TWICE! SEO optimization FTW! I’m totally whoring out the page rank right now. Anybody else need a link?!

While putting the lid back on a Tabasco bottle:

Cassidy: Is Tabasco a drug?
Me: Uhhhh, no.
Cassidy: But on the back of my book it said ‘Tabasco, alcohol and…’
Me and Ben: *laughing hysterically*
Cassidy: What?!
Me: TOBACCO. Tobacco is what’s in cigarettes. Tabasco is made with pepper, vinegar and salt and makes your eggs taste better.
Cassidy: Ohhhhhh…

When dropping off clothes at her friends so she could spend the night:

Me: Call me in the morning.
Cassidy: I’ll call you when I’m ready to leave.
Me: No. Call me in the morning.
Cassidy: Can I call you when I’m ready to leave?
Me: We can discuss it when you CALL ME IN THE MORNING.
Cassidy: OKAY!

The kid keeps me on my toes for sure. She’s growing into such a cute little bundle of RIDICULOUS ATTITUDE. But some of the things she does, like that conversation at her friend’s house, still make me giggle like I’m nine years old all over again. Of course, I don’t let her see me giggle. That would be admitting defeat and she can’t see that. She has to see me being the cold hearted, uncaring, ruthless MOTHER.

Plus, I make up for the attitude by embarrassing the piss out of her in public. Having no shame is finally beginning to pay off!

OMGHI!

I know that I’ve been Teh Suck at updating regularly and I could totally lie to you and say it’s because I’ve been SO BUSY with… THINGS! Important things! Things that take important time!

The truth is I just haven’t felt like writing.

But since it was Christmas and all I thought that I should take the time to make some kind of Christmas type post so you don’t all think that I’m some horrible holiday hating Scrooge or something. Because that’s only partially true.

I do love the holiday season. I love the house lights (and really think that they should stay up all year and not just because I hate taking ours down, they are pretty and the neighborhood seems so boring and bland after New Years), and I love cookies (as witnessed by the two pants sizes my ass has expanded in the last month), and I love the music (as long as it’s MY MUSIC and not that crappy mall muzak shit, Kenny G playing Silver Bells with that horn thing he uses puts me in one mood; the mood to sleep). Ben and I just had a rough few months prior to the Christmas season so it was hard for me to get into the mood right away and it didn’t really hit till about a week before The Big Day.

I think one of the hardest things for me to grasp this year is that this is probably going to be Cassidy’s last “Santa” year. She’s already really skeptical but I could tell that there was still a glimmer of magic in her eye as she asked the questions you expect a kid to start to ask when they are putting the pieces together. Next year she’ll have become one of those precocious 10 year olds that pretends to believe in Santa because she knows she’ll net a bigger profit if Santa is involved. She’ll start to complain about having to take the lights down, and she’ll start rolling her eyes at the Kenny G musak and she’ll see the cookie making as a chore instead of a fun activity and it’s all just kind of depressing.

But! I still made the most of it and Christmas day was great and she ripped open 30 presents in 4.7 minutes flat. We now have more Hannah Montana CRAP in the house than I’m comfortable with and I’m pretty sure that I funded the next month of Hannah’s life with said CRAP.

And I wrapped some of Ben’s presents in Alliance wrapping paper. That alone made Christmas day ROCK.

And now the obligatory list of fabulous loot. I’ll keep it to the big and fantastically bad ass things.

• KitchenAid Artisan Stand Mixer in Red from my mommy. <3
• Senseo coffee maker also in red from Cassidy.
• Tickets to see Beauty and the Best in May when it comes to the city from my dad. It will be Cassidy’s first Broadway type play and we are both really excited.
• A really nice laptop bag from Ben.

And last but certainly not least was DxO from Ben. It deserves to be separate from the bullets because it is THAT bad ass. It’s this really advanced photo correction software that uses all these complex mathematical algorithms to correct photos caused by known “flaws” in camera body and lens combinations. So in layman terms, it make pretty pictures EVEN PRETTIER. They have a free demo if you have a DSLR and want to give it a try.

And now, the look forward to 2008 which will require another obligatory post about the past year and what I expect for the NEXT year and I’m sure that “Rinse, Repeat!” isn’t going to cut it so I’ll be back sooner than you think! But just in case I don’t, have a great New Years Eve everybody! Drink lots, don’t drive and ring in the year with people you love and don’t want to punch in the face if you do get too drunk!

*hugs*

• When you get to the grocery store and there is not a single cart outside, run. As fast as you can. Away from the store. That is a sign that every cart is in use IN the store and venturing in will lead to cussing and general feelings of discontent.
• Never assume that handing in a paper is the end of an assignment. In 4th grade, it only means that you’ve STARTED and two weeks from that point there will be a “project” to turn in that your nine year old will suddenly remember to tell you about 48 hours before it’s due.
• When you go to hack illegally upgrade your iPhone, it’s not best to start that 74,526 step process at 11:30PM. Because to get from 1.0.2 to a jailbroken 1.1.2 you have to upgrade to 1.1.2, then downgrade to 1.1.1 then jailbreak, then hack, then upgrade to 1.1.2 again, then jailbreak… again. And at 11:30PM you have the patience and clarity of thinking of a gnat.
• Don’t ever trust that America’s Tire has a mother fucking clue about anything related to tires. Or to understand how studs work. Or that they should probably check to see if wheels are STAGGERED before they put them back on your car. Because they won’t. And they’ll screw up your studs, put the front wheels on the back and the back wheels on the front somehow try and blame YOU because you have boobies instead of balls and “you’ll be out of her in 35 minutes” will turn into the most frustrating 4 hours OF YOUR LIFE.
• Cats will, without fail, wait till you have mopped all 2000 square feet of house before going outside, ingesting large amounts of grass and then throwing it up in various spots around said house. Cute little green packages of warm love… for me to step in.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow! We have company coming and I’m cooking enough food to feed 70 people. So if you are in the Bay Area and have nowhere to go, come on by, pull up a chair, enjoy the gluttony, and be thankful for stuff! If not, have a great Thanksgiving wherever you may be headed.

I’ve been trying to write this post for three days now but it’s just not happening the way I want it to. I can’t get the words to formulate correctly into sentences that properly convey what I’m trying to say and it feels like if I don’t say it correctly or enough or with the proper amount of conviction that its a failed attempt.

I’m going to try again and see how it goes.

Last Friday a parent at Cassidy’s school very RUDELY questioned Ben’s parental authority… in front of Cassidy. That’s really the nicest way I can say it. I tend to fill the sentences with F and C words when I tell it in person. Man, backspace keys rule.

In reality she basically said to Ben: “You’re not her father so you don’t make that decision.”

Seriously, five days later the emotion those words stir up are… violent. Caustic acidic emotions that I want to spit directly into her face. Instead when I saw her that afternoon when she tried to speak to me I kept it very short and sweet:

“Do not EVER presume to think you can tell my fiance or daughter who IS and IS NOT her parent. Ben has raised Cassidy for over HALF HER LIFE. He IS HER DAD.”

What is a dad? Is a dad somebody that makes sure her teeth are brushed every morning? Who takes the time to explain long devision over and over and over with he patience of a SAINT? Who makes her laugh so hard she turns red and cries? Who helps gang up on mom and frustrate her to the point of actual brain combustion? Who makes sure she gets to school on time? Who provides food, clothes, toys and health insurance?

I think so. And Ben is all those things and so much more. He does all those thing, not out of a sense of duty, but because he loves Cassidy. Blood or not, she is his daughter.

This is not to say that Troy is NOT her dad. He is. And Mary is her step-mom and Amber is still her grandma and Big Troy is still her grandpa.

Ben and I have both taken the time to explain “step” people to Cassidy before. She knows that Nana is my “step-mom” and that I have “step-sisters”. But she also knows that Papa loves my step-sisters as much as he loves me. Equal. Not less or more. And she understands that while one Nana is my “mom” and one Nana is my “step-mom”, we love both grandmas equally. And they both love us just as much back. To us, “steps” just equal more love! Why have ONE Nana when you can have TWO!?

To Ben:

You are an excellent father. I know that. You know that. Cassidy knows that. Anybody that truly knows you, knows that. When she does something she is so proud of she wants to burst, you are the first person she runs to tell. When she wants somebody to explain something thats really important to her, it’s you she turns to. When I have a question or a concern, you are the first person I turn to. When I start to second guess my parenting or a decision I’ve made, you are the first person I turn to.

You are not only her father, you are my equal partner in raising OUR child. She will be the product of our upbringing. I can’t tell you how thankful that I am that she has you in her life, that WE have you in our lives. I can’t keep every moron out there from saying idiotic things to you, but I can remind you that the three of us are one family and that I love you and I look forward to raising Cassidy together with you. Until the day she turns 18 and we kick her out of the house.

I’ll start this post by saying that I am having the worst period OF MY LIFE. The only explanation to the amount of blood I’ve lost in the last two days is that I AM DYING.

I woke up Saturday, and about passed out. I normally am not bothered by the site of blood but I guess when it’s your own and THAT much it fucks with your head a little bit. I threw on the nearest clothes I could find and ran downstairs…

Ben: So I figured out how to..
Me: I have to go to Walgreens.
*grab keys, head for door*
Ben: Oookay.

Walgreens is only about two blocks away and I was there and back in about 2.75 minutes.

Purchased:

1 - Box Super Absorbent Tampons
1 - Box Regular Absorbent Tampons
1 - Package Super Absorbent Pads
1 - Box Midol
1 - Massive bar of Hershey’s Chocolate

The cashier was too scared to make eye contact. As she handed me my bag she said “Have a nice weekend?” In question form. Like, “Is it okay for me to say that or should I just shut up?”

The latter. But thanks!

The rest of the day was spent on the couch in labor. That’s the only way I can really explain the cramping. I did manage to catch up on all my DVR’s shows. Small victories.

This morning after breakfast with my mom is when the worst hour of my life took place. Cassidy was finishing up a chore (emptying the dishwasher) when Lydia, a neighbor girl, knocked on the door and asked if she could play so I told Cassidy as soon as she was done she could go.

Now, before I start keep in mind a few things. We live directly next to a cul-de-sac with houses on only one side. There are a TON of kids down there and it’s the only place Cassidy is allowed to go play. Up until today she has always been very good about staying in that cul-de-sac and ASKING BEFORE SHE GOES INTO A HOUSE. Just Friday she asked to go in Lydia’s house to watch a movie after they had already been playing for an hour or so.

So…

Cassidy finishes her dishes and asks to go out. I say GO! BURN ENERGY! GOODBYE!

10 minutes later: Lydia knocks on the door asking for her. I tell her she must have gotten sidetracked at Nathans. Check there.

2 minutes later: Lydia is back. She’s not there. Okay, I’ll go out and look she’s probably wandering and they are missing each other somehow.

5 minutes later: I’m back at the house. I can’t find her. Get Ben, help me look.

5 minutes later: Checked at all the houses I can think of EXCEPT Grace’s because Lydia said she had asked to play there and they were leaving so she’s not home.

2 minutes later: On phone with police giving them Cassidy’s description, address, cops on the way.

2 minutes later: Neighborhood parents and Ben have all headed out in different cars to search.

1 minute later: First two cops show up. Seriously, it was fast. Asking questions, searching neighborhood.

5 minutes later: Worst moment of my life “We are going to need about four recent pictures to identify her.” I almost vomit. I actually have to swallow back breakfast to hold it in. I’m about to lose it.

2 minutes later: Must stop pictures in head. Can’t think about that. Must stop them. Can’t concentrate. There is a picture of her on my desk but it’s over a year old and he said recent. Still can’t think because of the images.

1 minute later: Remember pictures I took this morning. Try to print. Printer won’t work. That’s it, I give up. I can’t do this. I just can’t do this. Brain starts to shut down. Sit in chair, put head between legs, going to vomit, can’t breathe.

Police officer outside: “We found her!!”
Me: “What?! Where?! Where is she?!”

Ben pulls back up at house.

Police officer: “She was in a house down the street.”

The one house I hadn’t checked. Grace’s fucking house. Grace who I thought wasn’t home because I wasn’t thinking with my HEAD and listened to an 8 year old.

The rest is a blur except I remember the officer telling me not to be too hard on her, the good news is we found her and she’s safe. I have a feeling he’s done this a few times.

Grab her, don’t want to let go. Feel like my heart is pumping for the first time in an hour. Still can’t breathe but food is going the correct direction in my esophagus. Ears start to ring. Blood rushing into my head. Adrenaline pumping. Can’t let go of her…

There really are no words to adequately describe the feeling. Those of you who are parents understand. Those who aren’t yet don’t and the words I could type would never be descriptive enough to tell what was going on when I sat in that computer chair. There just aren’t words.

She’s grounded. I’d like to say FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE but I’m trying to be realistic. She knows the rule about asking before going into houses and until today, she had always been very good about doing that. I’m also considering making her carry her cell phone with her from now on so there are no more days like this. I have pretty much every parent’s phone number EXCEPT Grace’s because they haven’t been living there that long.

And now I’m going to go help her build a fort in her room to sleep in tonight. And hug her. A lot. A week of being stuck in the house with me hugging her every 15 minutes so I can smell the top of her head and feel the warmth of her body ought to be enough to teach her a lesson since she turned 9 last month and suddenly hugging is SO NOT COOL.