At what point in your life do you realize that holding on to animosity and grudges rob you every second you dwell on them? I guess everybody has to find that realization in their own time and in their own way. For me, it happened in the last two weeks. If you’d have asked me six months ago if I was aware enough to know this I’d have said yes, but I’d have been so very wrong. And in another six months I might think the same thing about this moment right now… But for right now, I’m there. I’ve chosen to not carry around those feelings like an egg on a spoon, always afraid that a gust of wind will come along and knock them off to stink up my life.

I let go. I hope others can do the same in the long run. I guess time will tell.

I’ll be back to blog soon. Once to post this in more depth but behind a protected post. I’m adding a plug in to let “select” registered users read them. I’ll let you all know more when that takes place and how to gain access.

And! Ben and I are having a little debate about how far Neo’s ability to bend the space time continuum extends and we need The Internet’s opinion to settle it.

I’ve been trying to write this post for three days now but it’s just not happening the way I want it to. I can’t get the words to formulate correctly into sentences that properly convey what I’m trying to say and it feels like if I don’t say it correctly or enough or with the proper amount of conviction that its a failed attempt.

I’m going to try again and see how it goes.

Last Friday a parent at Cassidy’s school very RUDELY questioned Ben’s parental authority… in front of Cassidy. That’s really the nicest way I can say it. I tend to fill the sentences with F and C words when I tell it in person. Man, backspace keys rule.

In reality she basically said to Ben: “You’re not her father so you don’t make that decision.”

Seriously, five days later the emotion those words stir up are… violent. Caustic acidic emotions that I want to spit directly into her face. Instead when I saw her that afternoon when she tried to speak to me I kept it very short and sweet:

“Do not EVER presume to think you can tell my fiance or daughter who IS and IS NOT her parent. Ben has raised Cassidy for over HALF HER LIFE. He IS HER DAD.”

What is a dad? Is a dad somebody that makes sure her teeth are brushed every morning? Who takes the time to explain long devision over and over and over with he patience of a SAINT? Who makes her laugh so hard she turns red and cries? Who helps gang up on mom and frustrate her to the point of actual brain combustion? Who makes sure she gets to school on time? Who provides food, clothes, toys and health insurance?

I think so. And Ben is all those things and so much more. He does all those thing, not out of a sense of duty, but because he loves Cassidy. Blood or not, she is his daughter.

This is not to say that Troy is NOT her dad. He is. And Mary is her step-mom and Amber is still her grandma and Big Troy is still her grandpa.

Ben and I have both taken the time to explain “step” people to Cassidy before. She knows that Nana is my “step-mom” and that I have “step-sisters”. But she also knows that Papa loves my step-sisters as much as he loves me. Equal. Not less or more. And she understands that while one Nana is my “mom” and one Nana is my “step-mom”, we love both grandmas equally. And they both love us just as much back. To us, “steps” just equal more love! Why have ONE Nana when you can have TWO!?

To Ben:

You are an excellent father. I know that. You know that. Cassidy knows that. Anybody that truly knows you, knows that. When she does something she is so proud of she wants to burst, you are the first person she runs to tell. When she wants somebody to explain something thats really important to her, it’s you she turns to. When I have a question or a concern, you are the first person I turn to. When I start to second guess my parenting or a decision I’ve made, you are the first person I turn to.

You are not only her father, you are my equal partner in raising OUR child. She will be the product of our upbringing. I can’t tell you how thankful that I am that she has you in her life, that WE have you in our lives. I can’t keep every moron out there from saying idiotic things to you, but I can remind you that the three of us are one family and that I love you and I look forward to raising Cassidy together with you. Until the day she turns 18 and we kick her out of the house.

Last Friday in a moment of complete madness and click happiness I okay’d an upgrade on the iPhone from firmware 1.0.2. to 1.1.1 and within 30 minutes wanted to throw myself from the Golden Gate to end it all. Ozzy and Sharon said this week that they made a pact that if either of them ever have an illness that effects their brain, they’d assist the other in not prolonging life any more. I thought that was kind of funny coming from a guy that bites off the heads of live bats and a woman that throws pot roasts over her fence at the neighbors… But I think Ben and I need to come up with something similar. If we’re ever forced into using a stupidly inferior firmware on our current obsession the other will find a way to quickly and quietly stop the other’s suffering at whatever cost.

The good news is that the directions offered up on hackin0sh to downgrade actually work. Although, it was much easier then they let on if you had never attempted to unlock your phone. After the restore and two runthroughs of the AppTapp.exe, I just let the phone “restore” via iTunes and BAM! Everything was back. MobileChat, Springboard and all the pretty themes, Customize, the NES emulator, iFlickr, all of my goodness was there.

If you have the phone, and you haven’t upgraded yet and you really depend on any of the awesome applications AppTapp provides, NO NOT UPGRADE. Not only did I lose all those apps, but my battery life was cut by about 25%. I’m not completely certain that was caused by 1.1.1 but today was the first day that I ran out of battery at work after 6 hours of video playback. Prior to this, I was easily making it the full 8 hours of video playback with battery life to spare.

I’m pretty dissappointed with how strict Apple is regarding 3rd party apps. They need to realize how upset people are. People were returning phones in the hopes of getting one that hadn’t been upgraded yet. It’s okay, Apple. We LOVE our iPhones. We’d DIE for our iPhones. We also love the ability to add pink icons to the desktop and to play Super Mario World on them. These apps are making an already awesome piece of equipment even better.

So here’s my suggestion to Apple: Buy AppTapp, open the source, allow geeks to make your product even more valuable to the end user, sell more phones, watch profit grow.

Oh yeah, if I suddenly disappear off the face of the earth one day, it COULD be because I didn’t read the little box that popped up and Ben’s kept up his end of the pact.

So I have put off writing about this for over two weeks because as soon as you mention the most trivial TMI/personal info situation on the internet not only do you get a bunch of fun hate mail, blog posts written about you and 5,978 new links to your site.. but who wants to read about poop? If you make it to the next paragraph, I’ll assume that YOU DO. So when you try to point that snarky finger at me, I’ll just remind you of that. You totally WANTED to read about poop.

I figure that 99.9% of my family members have made it to this paragraph because if there’s one thing us Reids are good at, it’s talking about poop. I don’t think I’ve ever attended a family function where the frequency, consistency or peculiar potent nature of another’s butt bombs have NOT come up. It took me almost four hours of the first 8 hour car drive to my dad’s house to somehow work it gracefully into conversation to warn Ben before we got there.

Ben: So then I said, “Sure, I’d love some more iced tea and…”
Me: My family talks about poop!
Ben: Uhhhhh…
Me: My family. Sometimes they DO THINGS. Like fart. At the dinner table. And then somebody brings it up. Poop.
Ben: At the dinner table?
Me: Just seriously, if my dad asks you to pull his finger, don’t. Okay?
Ben: I don’t see your dad doing that.
Me: Yeah… Just, I warned you.

It took two days. Almost. While making breakfast on the second day we were there, while Ben watched my dad make his spectacular rosemary potatoes he leaned over, looked at me very seriously and said it:

Dad: Pull my finger.
Me: NO!
Dad: Too late!
Me: *looks at Ben* I’m so sorry.

So whatever. Everybody Poops. I’ve had this sinus headache for a solid week now. It started last Monday. I’m four days into a 10 day cycle of Amoxacylin (which my mom freaked out about… “CIPRO! I told you to get CIPRO!”) and I still have this problem. Every time I have a solid bowel movement, I get this EXCRUCIATING pain in my sinus cavity. Like, drop me to the floor, tears in the eyes, moaning, almost throwing up kinda pain.

WebMD was really helpful and told me that I have brain tumors. YAY! I mean, it would explain a lot. Like my obsessive compulsion to have all the cans in the pantry rowed up and facing out and organized into food groups. And why I like the color pink so much. And why think the sunflower in the front yard is stalking me.

Seriously though, I’ve never had this problem before. But I’ve never had a sinus infection before either. Is this a normal occurrence for them? I’ve not been able to turn up much on google other than the fatalistic WebMD search. I’m hoping somebody out there says that, yes you fool, it’s normal and it will go away and you’ll look back on this in a week after having received the 17th hate mail letter telling you what whack jobs your family are and laugh about your poop issue.

If nothing else, at least I’ll have an interesting story to share at the next family gathering.

Next year, try not to fuck up back on birthday weekend. Or the day before your birthday. OR EVER AGAIN.

I am this close *hold finges an inch apart* from dinging 40 and getting a mount in World of Warcraft but it hurts too bad to sit at the computer. I’m on the laptop on the couch sitting the only way it doesn’t hurt.

BUT GOOD NEWS! Soembody is coming to look at the Range Rover in a few minutes and afterwards I’ll be hobbling myself into the Apple Store with Ben to pick up my second birthday gift, and 8GB iPhone. Yesterday we went to the camera store after breakfast and I got to pick up a Canon 580EX II flash and a hood for my 17/85mm lens. I got three things that I REALLY wanted so I’m a very happy camper.

Once I’m able to move again I’m going to take some photos with and without flash to show a comparison. It absolutely rocks my socks and is going to completely change what I’m going to be able to do with inside shots. Expect a bazillion pictures of the Princess and The Felines.

I hope to be back to my regular posting schedule in the next week or so. And like every other time I’ve ever said that, that means that I’m completely lying to you and you can probably expect a post about once a week. Or less. Unless Ben does something funny that has to be made fun of mentioned.

Four years ago today Ben drove to Bakersfield and told me, “Move up with me or we need to move on.” So I moved up. And although there have been extremely difficult times along the way, I know without a doubt, that this is where I belong. Where I belonged for a long time BEFORE the move.

I can’t believe how much I’ve grown and changed in that time. When he showed up that day I was extremely depressed but refused to admit it. I was grasping at a very thin string to keep my head just high enough above the water to make the outside world think that I wasn’t completely drowning. I really didn’t care. I wanted to drown.

I know that Ben knew this. And I know that he knew what I needed was for somebody to slap me across the face and tell me to grow the fuck up already. So in his own, much more eloquent and civilized way, he did that. He had to do it again one weekend recently. Depression is an odd playmate.

I have no doubt that Ben knows me better than I know myself. He also believes in me more that I believe in myself and he combines these two things into a wicked mind game. Wicked good though! Because it startles me sometimes how transparent I am to him and how easily he can manipulate that to my own advantage. Yes, MY advantage. I know. At some point I hope I’m able to help you understand it better but for now try, okay?

Anyway, since we don’t have a real anniversary date, I wanted to take this chance to say: Happy Anniversary, Lover. I’m still thankful every day that I have you. I love you for being such a wonderful man, an outstanding father, as patient as the day is long and for making me laugh and smile every single day. (k)

Saturday Ben asked if I wanted to go look at some new stereo stuffs for my car. My M3 still has the stock head unit in it but I took the six disc changer out awhile ago because it wasn’t working for some reason which, whatever, I used the Ipod with tape adapter all the time anyway.

He warned me in advance, ‘We are just looking today. Pricing. Okay?’ as if I’m some impatient impulse buyer that doesn’t have any control. And I am. That is me in the relationship.

Ben: Do you really need more makeup?
Me: But I didn’t have this color!
Ben: Purple?
Me: It’s not PURPLE, it’s TRAX. That is other one is Violet. Plus it’s pigment, not eyeshadow.
Ben: You wear it on your eye.
Me: I JUST NEED IT, I HAVE TO BUY IT, IT’S A NEW COLOR AND SO PRETTY AND I JUST HAVE TO.

Or something.

Anyway, Ben drove my car a few weeks ago and when he put the tape in it made a sound like 500 gears being forced in the wrong direction. And that’s all it’s done since then. It. Has. Been. Rough. Mornings aren’t so bad because I listen to NPR and traffic updates but the afternoons, or anytime Cassidy is in the car, it kills me. Do you know how many times you have to search the entire FM band to find ONE good song? Well, in a three hour drive from here to Bakersfield, I managed to find ONE song. Seriously. One. Not that I even listen to good songs all the time. I mean, I have an 8 year old girl and there’s a lot of Fergie and Gewn Stefani goin’ on. Which I guess isn’t THAT bad. It could be worse. Like the Hanna Montana crap she’s suddenly OMG SO IN LOVE WITH BECAUSE SHE’S SO KEWL!

Ben: I’m thinking a nice head unit, an amp and some front speakers and you’ll be set.
Me: Whatever. As long as I can listen to my Ipod, I’m fine.

We ended up getting an Alpine iDA-X001 head unit built in collaboration with Apple for use with the Ipod. It even shows album art. TeeHee. Small pleasures. We also got some bad ass six inch Alumapro speakers for the front which will require some modification of the kick panel but these speakers almost caused me to have a spontaneous orgasm right there in the sound booth so I’M OKAY WITH THAT. Then Ben made the mistake of asking to listen to them WITH an Alumapro subwoofer and ‘almost’ turned into ‘real’ and we got it too and two Alpine amps to power them all. And they are really cute amps. That was one of them. I’m not sure which speakers that powers. I didn’t even know there were TWO until Ben just told me after laughing at me for not knowing. And blue cabling for all of it. And a capacitor, also Alumapro.

I drop the car off Friday night and can hopefully pick it up Saturday evening. *giddy*

The other big news?! Cassidy is home. Love. I was REALLY missing her the last week or so. That’s partly the reason I hadn’t blogged most of last week. All the posts turned into whiny sob stories of WHAAAA I miss my little 8 year old mouthy BFF/daughter/MiniMe! That lasted a whole 24 hours. Because she came home with pink eye (which they took her to the doctor and ‘treated’ her for so how the fuck does that happen?) and an over sized, incredibly skanky, Bratz Doll she named Cynthia. Cassidy even called her a Hoochie Momma. Thanks for teacheing her that term and letting her think it’s okay to use it in public conversation, ass fuckers.

Anyway, it’s good to have my sidekick home. And I better get to bed because I need to get up, get her to the doctor, then to work before 11:30 when we have a going away lunch for a co-worker.

Night, All!

Because I’m a responsible blogger and Surge is a DREAM KILLER, I thought that I should add that I’m doing my part to kill the planet, one cold, refreshing fix at a time. According to TreeHugger.com *tries not to snicker*, every 1 kilogram of Fiji water consumes 26.88 kilograms of water (7.1 gallons) .849 Kilograms of fossil fuel (one litre or .26 gal) and emitted 562 grams of Greenhouse Gases (1.2 pounds) to produce. Now my habit feels even more dirty than before. Only not as bad as say, if I smoked…

Some time ago I rather harshly judged somebody because they wouldn’t drink any water but Figi. I still think its pretty lame to go overboard with it which is what this person did.

Them: Oh no, I don’t want that perfectly good Arrowhead water you are offering be because I’m thirsty and there’s nothing around to drink, because I ONLY drink Fiji water.
Me: Good! Becuase I’d much rather spit on your hot, dry corpse then GIVE you a single drop of my water!

For the last few weeks I’ve been living a secret double life. I’ve gone through probably 20 bottles of Fiji water. I CAN’T HELP IT! IT’S A PROBLEM, I KNOW I NEED HELP! I’M SO ASHAMED!!!

But it’s so soft and flavorless and when its ice cold it’s like pouring liquid extacy (Not that I’ve ever done E, because I HAVEN’T. HI DAD!) down your throat. The way the supersoft water rolls across your tongue and down your throat with no aftertaste and… *starts shaking*

*grabs bottle, injects into vein*

Okay, I have a problem. BUT! I can say, that if I was thirsty and somebody offered me a bottle of Arrowhead, I’d not turn it down like some pigish, asswipe who’s SO MUCH BETTER than your crap infested, NAME BRAND water.

The other day Ben, who admits the Supreme Fabulousness of the water and has been knows to bring bottles to bed with him, was giving me a hard time about it. “what makes it so special?”, he asked. So I explained:

Me: It’s filtered through mountains and silica so that’s why it’s so soft. Mountians that are untouched by pollutants from factories or humans and think about it, even the rain clouds have no pollution in them and so the water even STARTS OUT pure and…
Ben: What about dead animals?
Me: What?!
Ben: Well, there has to be dead animals on the mountain…
Me: I hate you! Why would you say that!?

Ben always has to ruin EVERYTHING for me!! But! According to my Fiji bottle yesterday the water is protected by an Impermeable Rock that protects the water. IMPERMEABLE! Click that link. They explain that the water isn’t ever even touched by AIR, let alone ROTTING ANIMAL.

By definition, artesian water comes from a source deep within the earth, protected by layers of clay and rock. There is no opening, not even a porthole to the surface. As a result, the water never comes into contact with the air, protecting it from environmental pollutants and other contamination.

IMPERMEABLE! I think that rotting animal corpses would fall under the “other contamination” umbrella. Not that it really matters anyway. I’m stupid brave enough to drink California tap water so drinking water filtered through rotting animal corpses would probably be a step up.

Ben had a CT Scan of his head done yesterday to find the cause of the never ending headache. The results came back today and it looks like there is a fluid filled cyst at the base of his skull. The doctor said it may be an Arachnoid Cyst. In his head. By his brain. It’s not actually on or in the brain, thankfully. SO. THANKFULLY.

The last 24 hours I’ve bounced back and fourth between ‘Please don’t let there be anything in his head. Please. Please. Please’. To ‘Please let there be something SMALL and SIMPLE to treat so that he gets some relief from this pain he’s been in for FOUR DAYS.’

We don’t really know any more than that. The next step will be to get an MRI to get a better view of whatever is going on in there. The downside is I can’t help but be worried about something like this even though wikipedia makes to seem not so bad. The up side is I got to crack a joke about him setting off metal detectors because how cool would it be to have a piece of Bionic Steel in his head?!

I know that seems harsh and mean considering. But he’s already using it as an excuse for things…

06-30-2007: This conversation has been corrected after Ben reminded me how it “really went” at breakfast with a friend this morning. And really, my version made him seem less crazy, but we can go with his version instead!!

Ben: *knocks fork off counter*
Me: Dude. I was going to use that!
Ben: The auditory hallucinations told me to do it.
Me: Wikipedia said “Musical hallucination”.
Ben: The voices were singing.
Me: Oh. My. God.
Ben: *grin*

So it’s the very least I should be allowed to do.

Tuesday I was craving Italian food. Badly. Ben was pleased because its not a normal craving and NO JULIE I AN NOT PREGNANT! Soon after we pulled away from the house:

Me: Remind me when we get back and I’ll put the garbage cans on the street.
Ben: Uhhh, they are on the street.
Me: Oh? They are?
Ben: Oh honey, I love your hair it’s so beautiful…
Me: Fuck you!
Ben: *bwahahha* You should blog that.
Me: Why would I blog that?! I only blog things that make OTHER people look stupid, not me.
Ben: Okay, then I’ll blog it.
Me: FINE! You have admin access and your own account, blog it yourself!
Ben: I’ll put in on NorCal.
Me: NorCal is NOT your blog.
Ben: It practically is!
Me: Besides, what are they going to say? They all KNOW me. They know I’m blond.
…
Me: I think I should post the post-conversation after the funny stuff because that was funnier.
Ben: *blink* *blink* I have no idea what the fuck you just said!!
Me: SEE! Funnier!
Ben: Blog it.
Me: I’m not blogging it!!

After dinner. Shortly before pulling up to the house:

Me: I don’t see the kid with the lemonade stand. Actually, I didn’t see him when we were leaving either. I think you’re seeing things, losing it.
Ben: Honey, remember to put the garbage cans out when we get back.
Me: FUCK YOU!

And that, my friends, is why I love the man.