Ben: I’m pretty sure I’m right about this.
Me: I AM THE MINI GOLF WINNER!

End scene.

He’s blogged three times this week. THREE DAYS IN A ROW. Ben is #WINNING at blogging. (Although I’d just like to point out that I attempted the August 30 Day Photo Challenge last month and blogged 15 days in a row so I still have the #WINNING streak. Yes, I realize I didn’t finish the challenge. I even win at losing).

Did you know that I have a birthday coming up? I DO! It’s Saturday. I like lilies, chocolate and cash deposited into my Paypal account. And pie. Lots and lots of pie. Just in case you were wondering.

So about a month ago I got a notice in the mail that I’d need to take the written driving test to renew my license this year by my birthday when it would expire. A month ago. I took the test today.

And let me tell you why. So far, I have always been able to use my driving test SIXTEEN YEARS AGO as the #WINNING. See, I scored a 98% on my test and Ben scored a 92%. So even though TECHNICALLY he can drive circles around me in his sleep while blind folded with one hand tied behind is back, I am still #WINNING. ON PAPER. Just because he can make me hurl in less than 5 laps on the race track and has made me pee myself a little on back roads drives, ON PAPER I am a better driver. There is actual PROOF.

So now I have to take this test and the #WINNING is on the line an I am nervous. Guys, I can not lose this. I NEED this. If I lose this I lose EVERYTHING. This is the ultimate #WINNING. I might as well just tattoo a big fat L on my forehead and resign myself forever to the fact that I no longer have this high ground with which to cast judgement.

I NEED MY HIGH GROUND.

So today is the day. I can’t put this off any longer. I have to take this test. And I have to pass. And not only do I need to pass, I need to pass with a #WINNING score. It’s go big or go home.

So I spend about two hours today taking practice tests and reading through the handbook and retaking the practice test and grilling my little brother who just had to take the test three times before he passed the other day and the whole way home I’m reminding myself 100 feet, 15MPH, right-of-way hierarchy, max BAC levels, I’VE GOT THIS!

So I get to the DMV and I pay my $31 (RIPOFF!), I get my thumbprint, I get my test, I walk to the table, I pick up my pen and…

BLANK! MY MIND IS BLANK! DO YOU STOP ON GREEN AND GO ON RED? RED IS THE PRETTIER COLOR! LETS GO ON RED! YEAH!

And I can see my high ground start to quake and flatten and I AM GOING TO BE #LOSING!

And then I remembered Ben’s recent calm. Told myself to snap the fuck out of it and… did.

So I take the test to the desk, hand it to the lady, she walks over and checks it, walks back and starts typing on her computer without a word.

Me: So…
Her: *typing*
Me: Did… I pass?
Her: Yeah.
Me: YES! *fist pump*
Her: *blank stare*
Me: How many did I miss?
Her: None.
Me: YES! BAM!
Her: *blank stare*
Me: Sorry, I just totally needed this. I have to beat my husband at the driving test scores.
Guy behind me: *snicker*
Her: *blink*
Me: We’re just, we’re competitive. Well, I’m more competitive than he his. Really he’s not competitive, it’s just me. I just need to beat him. Because of the high ground.
Her: Can you please stand behind the red line and smile?
Me: SURE! BECAUSE I’M #WINNING!
Her: Now, please?
Me: Okay.

*take picture*

Me: So, I get to keep the test right?
Her: *sigh* Yes.
Me: YES!
Her: You can go now. You’re done.

She must not be married. Or slightly insane.

#WINNING

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Ben: How do you spell fuchsia?
Me: A-S-S-H-O-L-E And also it’s not FUCHSIA, it’s HOT PINK.
Ben: *searches google for fuchsia and holds up screen*
Me: THAT IS NOT PINK! SEE!
Ben: Hold it up to the screen!
Me: *holds it up* SEE! NOT FUCHSIA!
Ben: Looks close enough to me.
Me: *holds up label for yarn* Do you see what that says? HOT PINK!
Ben: I can’t see that far.
Me: I hate you.
Ben: I love you too.

LOOK! PINK!

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This afternoon she was sitting on the couch and I noticed her cheeks were pretty pink.

Me: Your cheeks are pretty pink, do you feel warm?
Cassidy: *shrug*
Me: You might have a fever, we should take your temperature.
Ben: You know, the best way to find out if you are sick or not is to rub peanut butter all over your face and let the dogs lick it off.
Me: …
Cassidy: OKAY!
Me: …
Ben: WOOHOO!
Me: …
Kumo: I HEARD PEANUT BUTTER THERE IS GOING TO BE PEANUT BUTTER WHERE IS THE PEANUT BUTTER I LIKE TO EAT PEANUT BUTTER!
Danica: WOOHOO I DON’T KNOW WHY WE ARE SO EXCITED BUT I’M GOING TO BE EXCITED TOO BECAUSE MY BROTHER IS EXCITED AND I LOVE MY BROTHER SO MUCH IN ALL CAPS!
Me: …

According to Dr. Benjamin Hirsch if you laugh when a dog licks peanut butter off of your face, you can’t be sick. It’s all very scientific.

Cassidy is not sick.

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Of course, Ben has less weight to lose overall but has already lost more than me. He’s at 20 pounds lost. It’s totally awesome for him, he’s doing so well. But certainly there is some twisted higher being out there that was drop kicked in the face by a woman at some point and now we’re all paying the consequence by having to do twice as much work to lose the same amount of weight.

We’ve also been hitting the gym pretty regularly. It’s amazing to me how in two months I can do the same workout on the treadmill but my heart rate average has gone down 40 beats per minute. FORTY. BEATS. PER. MINUTE. I thought for sure during that first workout that my heart was going to commit mutiny. He was going to band together with my spleen and gallbladder and find the quickest exit possible. I’m not sure how important a spleen or gallbladder is but I do know that I’d be kinda screwed without my heart.

Today I made an appointment with a personal trainer that I routinely see TRY TO MURDER people at the gym. Tonight a man just WALKED OUT in the middle of his hour. WALKED OUT! Dude is INTENSE. And I’m really really looking forward to it. Also, I’m wondering how hard I’d actually have to hit him to knock him out to run away. Maybe kicking hm would be better. I guess we’ll find out Wednesday.

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1/3 cup of Danon Light & Fit Vanilla Yogurt
1/2 Fuji Apple
1/2 cup Puffins Peanut Butter Cereal

Calories: 168
Carbs: 20
Fat: 1
Protein: 4

Snack @ 9:30AM: I forot to take a shot before I ate it! DOH! I’m new to this! I’m sure I’ll start to remember in no time!

5 Ellie Krieger lemon shrimp
1/4 cup Ellie Krieger Soup cream & Chives Smashed Potatos

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FOR FREE.

We could probably make a few hundred dollars on them but we JUST. WANT. THEM. GONE. and posting them for free Ben had quite a few hits in a very short amount of time. The first response was from a nice couple that is in the process of building a pond for themselves and are going to be here tomorrow morning to haul them all away.

BUT! The great thing about Craigslist is that there are always THOSE people out there. You know, THEM. And Ben got one. The following exchange is the reason that I was never in a great rush to list them myself and also why I’m so glad Ben took on the task:

Crazy ass Rock Guy (AKA: Steve):

Hi,

Yes, I am very interested to take most of all of your rock this Sunday. Sat might be possilbe after 3 but I have to wait for another confirmation. However, Sunday is best for me. Please let me know if it is ok.

Thanks,
Steve
[Phone number redacted to protect the innocent stupid]

Ben:

Rocks are tenatively spoken for, but will update once they’re taken (hopefully tomorrow).

Crazy ass Rock Guy:

No idea what you mean by saying rocks are tenatively spoken for. So you still have them available or not?

Ben:

Tentatively spoken for means that someone has contacted me and is making plans to come get them, but they have not picked them up yet.

Thanks,
Ben

Crazy ass Rock Guy:

You must be an University teacher or belonging to the Poetry Club. In a daliy life and common usage, we don’t use your language. It can only cause more confusion.

Thanks,
Steve

Ben:

I’m sorry for taking the time to give you an update. Please disregard all of my previous emails and the advertisement I took the time to write, and generosity for giving away free landscaping rocks (just…wow…). I don’t know who ‘we’ is, but I don’t belong to that group.

Let me put it in language that better suits you (sigh).

You will never get them.

Enjoy your weekend,
-a generous asshole.

And because Steve is one of those persistant kind of whack jobs he didn’t give up and Ben got these about an hour ago:

Fucken smart ass…rocks don’t speak man so wtf u mean by saying rocks are tentatively spoken for…….U don’t even know what the fuck u are talking about u idiot.. tentatively AHOLE ….make more sense

Then 8 minutes later:

fucken retarded W trash– Obama is a president now u ahole…..

WOW?! Obama is president?! I had no clue! I really didn’t! I’m so glad that I had this educated voting member of society to inform me!

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Have I mentioned how much I love Amy before? Because I do, a lot. She’s absolutely adorable. Kumo loves her even more though. When we get into the parking lot at PetSmart he starts to whine and attempts to climb out the window. I can’t exactly see his thoughts but I imagine it’s Kumo and Amy running towards each other in slow motion with Bolero playing softly in the background.

We got through the basic new commands rather quickly so Amy was teaching us some tricks to work on with him for fun. One of the tricks was pointing your finger at the dog and giving a loud verbal “BANG” which the dog responds to by laying on his side and playing dead. Ben was giddy watching this new trick. He had a huge grin on his face and I could clearly imagine him at the dog park showing Bob, and anybody else who showed up, this awesome new trick that Kumo had learned.

Amy mentioned that she had worked on the same trick the week before so while all the other dogs had a whole week to learn it, we’d be back the NEXT day so in order to not be shown up by all the other dogs, we’d have to get on it!

Amy: All the other dads had all week to practice!
Ben: We’ll get it!
Amy: Yeah, he’s such a smart boy! He’ll have it in no time!
Ben: Because he’s a GOOD BOY!
Amy: Yes he is! He’s a good smart boy!
Me: Yeah! And Ben will be home all day tomorrow BANGING THE DOG!
Ben: ….
Me: WHAT!?
Ben: HONEY!
Me: OH! OOPS!
Ben: *glare*
Me: *giggle*

And that is why often times when Ben has to leave the house he tries to lock me in the crate and take the dog with him instead.

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• I have a very small hairline fracture on my ankle. That in itself isn’t painful. The severe sprain has me still limping around in a brace over a week later. I wish there was some awesome story or explanation how I was doing something REALLY COOL and REALLY FUN and REALLY NEAT but there isn’t. I fell getting out of the truck. In front of people. Who just watched me fall, severely sprain my ankle, and fracture it a little, and then they all turned around and walked away. THE END!
• Cassidy is totally turning into a TWEEN. There are a lot of things I looked forward to when I became a mom… first steps, first words, first day of school, it was going to be all fun and smiles and swings and cartwheels. Then she turned 10 and was all HA HA JOKES ON YOU, SUCKER! There’s too much to post about this under the scope of a single bullet. THE END!
• KC the cat and Hans are complete and total lazy asses. Hans spent ALL DAY SATURDAY on our bed asleep. KC hasn’t moved off the same couch cushion in two days. THE END!
• Ben is the most patient, understanding, ball of fantastic ever to grace the face of our fine planet. And also, falling asleep next to his warm body is the highlight of my day. THE END!

House Updates:

• We ordered blinds from Home Depot. Yes, I own Home Depot a letter of apology. Six blinds to go on the upper windows all over the top of the living room. We also paid for installation because ladders, heavy awkward wooden blinds, and blond don’t mix. I’m really excited for them to get here and be installed. They will help a lot with the sunlight that you can’t escape in the afternoons and also keep the heat out some in the summer.
• We also have a quote from a landscaper to come in and fix some sprinklers and clean out the pond, install a new pump and get it all up and running again.
• We’ve been slowly cleaning out the yards. Trimming bushes, mowing lawns, cutting down trees, this list is really endless so I’ll just stop there. It’s looking good and will only be getting better as the weekends pass!

Misc Updates:

• I forgot to mention the severe hives attack I had for about two weeks. It sucked. I went an ENTIRE WEEK with ZERO wheat, the hives went away, I laid in the bed in a fetal position and cried. I’ve very slowly started introducing some back into my diet, but not much. MUCH less than I was eating before. Being allergic to wheat is about a fun as having your teeth knocked out one at a time. With a jackhammer.
• I have become slightly obsessed with YouTube. Specifically, makeup guru videos. I have a few favorites and I have a blog post half written to point you to some of the best ones. Also, I finally broke my six month No Makeup Buying Binge and got a few things. I also have a blog post partly written about that because I’ve found some AMAZING stuff for AMAZING deals and I want to share.
• If I were a teenage girl, I’d totally have a poster of Adam Lambert on my wall. Best Idol by far this season. He makes it seem as if singing is just… effortless. TEAM ADAM!
• If you haven’t yet, check out Castle. Nathan Fillion is so awesome. I’ve had a nerd crush on him since I fell in love with Serenity and Firefly and he’s every bit as awesome in Castle.
• Heather Armstrong is going to be in Mountain View tomorrow and I’ve been trying to fit her book signing into my schedule but it’s so late and 40 miles from home where I’ll be then. It’s only 12 miles from work but I’d have to find something to do for five hours before the signing. DILEMMA!
• I need to charge the DSLR batteries. For serious.
• THE END!

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Me: If you get up before 9:00AM I am going to kill you.
Ben: That wasn’t nice.
Me: …

4:43AM this morning:

Me: SHIT! Honey, it’s 4:43!
Ben: It’s SATURDAY!
Me: Oh.
Ben: So should I kill you now?
Me: Shut up.

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Last Satruday morning Ben woke me from a beautiful and blissful sleep to tell me that I was snoring. This doesn’t seem so abnormal except that he had been UP AND OUT OF THE ROOM FOR AN HOUR. I’m not sure the exact face I made at him at that time but I know what I was thinking. It was something along the lines of “I wonder how far into his ass my foot is going to be before it starts to register how terrible a mistake he’s just made”. Turned out he just woke me up to see if I wanted to go to Home Depot with him.

I should have stayed in bed.

When we got there we had two goals in mind. 1) Get him a set of calipers to measure my brake roters 2) Pick up a wallpaper remover tool and spray and some paint swatches, both for Cassidy’s bathroom. Other than a slight snag when the tool guy didn’t know what calipers were, we made pretty good time and I even got Ben to detour down the lighting isle to scope out some fixtures for ALL the bathrooms.

Then we got in line to check out.

Then 45 minutes later when we were still in line, actually the THIRD LINE, Ben’s cooling system broke and his rods reached critical mass and I had to slowly step back about 15 feet to avoid becoming collateral damage.

See,the computers were down. The were running around FRANTIC and OMG WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO THERE ARE NO COMPUTERS HOW DO WE FUNCTION!? Because, you know, it’s not like you can actually SELL something if there’s not a touchscreen monitor in front of you telling you how which step of the check out process you are on, what to do next, and the amount of change you need to dispense.

So because they couldn’t use their fancy machines to hold their hands through the process let me tell you the genius system they devised.

Step 1: Stand in line so that ONE girl at ONE counter could write all of the items on a triplicate form while the 24 people in line behind you groan loudly.

Step 2: Stand in another line so that a girl can add prices to the form, then manually add them up, calculate tax and total it.

Step 3: Stand in ANOTHER line to pay using one of the old school swipe style credit card machines.

Step 4: Walk to power tool isle, pick up nail gun, place directly against head, pull trigger.

Of course we were in line #3 and next to pay and get the fuck out of there when… suddenly all the computers started working again! I slammed my stuff down, almost turned around and spit venom directly into the face of the man that tried to line cut me after he’d spent 45 minutes in line behind me and CERTAINLY should have understood that based on line hierarchy, my shit was getting checked out first and if you try to get in my way I am allowed to backhand you with a sledgehammer.

Then the check out lady took the receipt we should have gotten and slid it into her register before she realized what she was doing EVEN THOUGH SHE HAD A COMPUTER TELLING HER EXACTLY WHAT TO DO AND WHAT TO SAY AND WHEN TO HAND ME WHAT AND WHEN.

So it was another 15 minutes of standing there because she had to finish the next sale to open the drawer. Only the machine wouldn’t take the guy’s debit card. And then it wouldn’t take his credit card. So he had to go out to his car and get his check book. And write a check. With his hand. And a pen.

It was sometime between the failure of the credit card and the check writing that Ben’s head started to actually steam and I had to move further away because he was radiating enough heat to melt the plastic bags holding my nifty new $5.00 wallpaper removal tool. From 15 feet away.

When we finally got our receipt and got out of there we weren’t sure whether we should go to Starbucks and treat ourselves for not actually reaching critical mass or drive straight home and start drinking obscene amounts of tequila to forget the entire experience. We opted for the Starbucks.

My love affair with Home Depot is OFFICIALLY OVER.

At least until later this week when we go in to price flooring for downstairs.

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