The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humor.

I’ve lost 15 pounds. I’m not sure exactly where that 15 pounds went. My pants feel a little less painted on in the morning but other than that I’m stumped. Knowing my luck 5 of it came off my feet and the other 10 were just cleaned thoroughly out of my colon. We’ve been eating very “clean”. Whole grains, lean meats and LOTS AND LOTS of fresh veggies and fruit. Over the next few weeks I’m going to feature some of the recipes here because most of them have actually been much tastier than I’d think something good for you should taste. Gone are the days of rice cakes and plain egg whites that’s for sure.

Of course, Ben has less weight to lose overall but has already lost more than me. He’s at 20 pounds lost. It’s totally awesome for him, he’s doing so well. But certainly there is some twisted higher being out there that was drop kicked in the face by a woman at some point and now we’re all paying the consequence by having to do twice as much work to lose the same amount of weight.

We’ve also been hitting the gym pretty regularly. It’s amazing to me how in two months I can do the same workout on the treadmill but my heart rate average has gone down 40 beats per minute. FORTY. BEATS. PER. MINUTE. I thought for sure during that first workout that my heart was going to commit mutiny. He was going to band together with my spleen and gallbladder and find the quickest exit possible. I’m not sure how important a spleen or gallbladder is but I do know that I’d be kinda screwed without my heart.

Today I made an appointment with a personal trainer that I routinely see TRY TO MURDER people at the gym. Tonight a man just WALKED OUT in the middle of his hour. WALKED OUT! Dude is INTENSE. And I’m really really looking forward to it. Also, I’m wondering how hard I’d actually have to hit him to knock him out to run away. Maybe kicking hm would be better. I guess we’ll find out Wednesday.

Treat please.

Breakfast @ 6:30AM: I need to work more protein into breakfast. Even if it means getting up earlier to cook something at home. I don’t WANT to do that though. When I start P90x I want to start having a Shakeology before I leave the house or on the way to work. That’s 17 grams of protein, 17 of carbs and only 150 calories! I also forgot flax seed meal AND my vitamin today. DOH!

1/3 cup of Danon Light & Fit Vanilla Yogurt
1/2 Fuji Apple
1/2 cup Puffins Peanut Butter Cereal

Calories: 168
Carbs: 20
Fat: 1
Protein: 4

Snack @ 9:30AM: I forot to take a shot before I ate it! DOH! I’m new to this! I’m sure I’ll start to remember in no time!

5 Ellie Krieger lemon shrimp
1/4 cup Ellie Krieger Soup cream & Chives Smashed Potatos

Friday Craigslist LAWLS

Remember all those rocks I mentioned before? The ones we removed, one at a time, from the GIGANTIC pond in the back yard? Well, we’ve been meaning to put them up on Craigslist for quite some time and Ben finally got them up today. Now, we are GIVING these rocks away.

FOR FREE.

We could probably make a few hundred dollars on them but we JUST. WANT. THEM. GONE. and posting them for free Ben had quite a few hits in a very short amount of time. The first response was from a nice couple that is in the process of building a pond for themselves and are going to be here tomorrow morning to haul them all away.

BUT! The great thing about Craigslist is that there are always THOSE people out there. You know, THEM. And Ben got one. The following exchange is the reason that I was never in a great rush to list them myself and also why I’m so glad Ben took on the task:

Crazy ass Rock Guy (AKA: Steve):

Hi,

Yes, I am very interested to take most of all of your rock this Sunday. Sat might be possilbe after 3 but I have to wait for another confirmation. However, Sunday is best for me. Please let me know if it is ok.

Thanks,
Steve
[Phone number redacted to protect the innocent stupid]

Ben:

Rocks are tenatively spoken for, but will update once they’re taken (hopefully tomorrow).

Crazy ass Rock Guy:

No idea what you mean by saying rocks are tenatively spoken for. So you still have them available or not?

Ben:

Tentatively spoken for means that someone has contacted me and is making plans to come get them, but they have not picked them up yet.

Thanks,
Ben

Crazy ass Rock Guy:

You must be an University teacher or belonging to the Poetry Club. In a daliy life and common usage, we don’t use your language. It can only cause more confusion.

Thanks,
Steve

Ben:

I’m sorry for taking the time to give you an update. Please disregard all of my previous emails and the advertisement I took the time to write, and generosity for giving away free landscaping rocks (just…wow…). I don’t know who ‘we’ is, but I don’t belong to that group.

Let me put it in language that better suits you (sigh).

You will never get them.

Enjoy your weekend,
-a generous asshole.

And because Steve is one of those persistant kind of whack jobs he didn’t give up and Ben got these about an hour ago:

Fucken smart ass…rocks don’t speak man so wtf u mean by saying rocks are tentatively spoken for…….U don’t even know what the fuck u are talking about u idiot.. tentatively AHOLE ….make more sense

Then 8 minutes later:

fucken retarded W trash– Obama is a president now u ahole…..

WOW?! Obama is president?! I had no clue! I really didn’t! I’m so glad that I had this educated voting member of society to inform me!

BANG!

Last Monday we missed our first Intermediate Dog Training class because Kumo was having some ‘potty issues’. In order to be in this Monday’s class we had to first make up that missed week and because Amy loves Kumo more than most parents love their kids, she let us come in last Sunday for a private lesson.

Have I mentioned how much I love Amy before? Because I do, a lot. She’s absolutely adorable. Kumo loves her even more though. When we get into the parking lot at PetSmart he starts to whine and attempts to climb out the window. I can’t exactly see his thoughts but I imagine it’s Kumo and Amy running towards each other in slow motion with Bolero playing softly in the background.

We got through the basic new commands rather quickly so Amy was teaching us some tricks to work on with him for fun. One of the tricks was pointing your finger at the dog and giving a loud verbal “BANG” which the dog responds to by laying on his side and playing dead. Ben was giddy watching this new trick. He had a huge grin on his face and I could clearly imagine him at the dog park showing Bob, and anybody else who showed up, this awesome new trick that Kumo had learned.

Amy mentioned that she had worked on the same trick the week before so while all the other dogs had a whole week to learn it, we’d be back the NEXT day so in order to not be shown up by all the other dogs, we’d have to get on it!

Amy: All the other dads had all week to practice!
Ben: We’ll get it!
Amy: Yeah, he’s such a smart boy! He’ll have it in no time!
Ben: Because he’s a GOOD BOY!
Amy: Yes he is! He’s a good smart boy!
Me: Yeah! And Ben will be home all day tomorrow BANGING THE DOG!
Ben: ….
Me: WHAT!?
Ben: HONEY!
Me: OH! OOPS!
Ben: *glare*
Me: *giggle*

And that is why often times when Ben has to leave the house he tries to lock me in the crate and take the dog with him instead.

In which I use bullets to distract you from the fact that I haven’t posted in a month.

People Updates:

• I have a very small hairline fracture on my ankle. That in itself isn’t painful. The severe sprain has me still limping around in a brace over a week later. I wish there was some awesome story or explanation how I was doing something REALLY COOL and REALLY FUN and REALLY NEAT but there isn’t. I fell getting out of the truck. In front of people. Who just watched me fall, severely sprain my ankle, and fracture it a little, and then they all turned around and walked away. THE END!
• Cassidy is totally turning into a TWEEN. There are a lot of things I looked forward to when I became a mom… first steps, first words, first day of school, it was going to be all fun and smiles and swings and cartwheels. Then she turned 10 and was all HA HA JOKES ON YOU, SUCKER! There’s too much to post about this under the scope of a single bullet. THE END!
• KC the cat and Hans are complete and total lazy asses. Hans spent ALL DAY SATURDAY on our bed asleep. KC hasn’t moved off the same couch cushion in two days. THE END!
• Ben is the most patient, understanding, ball of fantastic ever to grace the face of our fine planet. And also, falling asleep next to his warm body is the highlight of my day. THE END!

House Updates:

• We ordered blinds from Home Depot. Yes, I own Home Depot a letter of apology. Six blinds to go on the upper windows all over the top of the living room. We also paid for installation because ladders, heavy awkward wooden blinds, and blond don’t mix. I’m really excited for them to get here and be installed. They will help a lot with the sunlight that you can’t escape in the afternoons and also keep the heat out some in the summer.
• We also have a quote from a landscaper to come in and fix some sprinklers and clean out the pond, install a new pump and get it all up and running again.
• We’ve been slowly cleaning out the yards. Trimming bushes, mowing lawns, cutting down trees, this list is really endless so I’ll just stop there. It’s looking good and will only be getting better as the weekends pass!

Misc Updates:

• I forgot to mention the severe hives attack I had for about two weeks. It sucked. I went an ENTIRE WEEK with ZERO wheat, the hives went away, I laid in the bed in a fetal position and cried. I’ve very slowly started introducing some back into my diet, but not much. MUCH less than I was eating before. Being allergic to wheat is about a fun as having your teeth knocked out one at a time. With a jackhammer.
• I have become slightly obsessed with YouTube. Specifically, makeup guru videos. I have a few favorites and I have a blog post half written to point you to some of the best ones. Also, I finally broke my six month No Makeup Buying Binge and got a few things. I also have a blog post partly written about that because I’ve found some AMAZING stuff for AMAZING deals and I want to share.
• If I were a teenage girl, I’d totally have a poster of Adam Lambert on my wall. Best Idol by far this season. He makes it seem as if singing is just… effortless. TEAM ADAM!
• If you haven’t yet, check out Castle. Nathan Fillion is so awesome. I’ve had a nerd crush on him since I fell in love with Serenity and Firefly and he’s every bit as awesome in Castle.
• Heather Armstrong is going to be in Mountain View tomorrow and I’ve been trying to fit her book signing into my schedule but it’s so late and 40 miles from home where I’ll be then. It’s only 12 miles from work but I’d have to find something to do for five hours before the signing. DILEMMA!
• I need to charge the DSLR batteries. For serious.
• THE END!