#WINNING

Ben and I might be a little competitive. It’s mostly fun and light-hearted but you can bet your ass if we pay mini gold, SOMETHING IS ON THE LINE. Pride, sure, but BRAGGING RIGHTS. And the right to say I am #WINNING. Never underestimate the power of the #WINNING. The #WINNING can carry you through days, weeks… MONTHS.

Ben: I’m pretty sure I’m right about this.
Me: I AM THE MINI GOLF WINNER!

End scene.

He’s blogged three times this week. THREE DAYS IN A ROW. Ben is #WINNING at blogging. (Although I’d just like to point out that I attempted the August 30 Day Photo Challenge last month and blogged 15 days in a row so I still have the #WINNING streak. Yes, I realize I didn’t finish the challenge. I even win at losing).

Did you know that I have a birthday coming up? I DO! It’s Saturday. I like lilies, chocolate and cash deposited into my Paypal account. And pie. Lots and lots of pie. Just in case you were wondering.

So about a month ago I got a notice in the mail that I’d need to take the written driving test to renew my license this year by my birthday when it would expire. A month ago. I took the test today.

And let me tell you why. So far, I have always been able to use my driving test SIXTEEN YEARS AGO as the #WINNING. See, I scored a 98% on my test and Ben scored a 92%. So even though TECHNICALLY he can drive circles around me in his sleep while blind folded with one hand tied behind is back, I am still #WINNING. ON PAPER. Just because he can make me hurl in less than 5 laps on the race track and has made me pee myself a little on back roads drives, ON PAPER I am a better driver. There is actual PROOF.

So now I have to take this test and the #WINNING is on the line an I am nervous. Guys, I can not lose this. I NEED this. If I lose this I lose EVERYTHING. This is the ultimate #WINNING. I might as well just tattoo a big fat L on my forehead and resign myself forever to the fact that I no longer have this high ground with which to cast judgement.

I NEED MY HIGH GROUND.

So today is the day. I can’t put this off any longer. I have to take this test. And I have to pass. And not only do I need to pass, I need to pass with a #WINNING score. It’s go big or go home.

So I spend about two hours today taking practice tests and reading through the handbook and retaking the practice test and grilling my little brother who just had to take the test three times before he passed the other day and the whole way home I’m reminding myself 100 feet, 15MPH, right-of-way hierarchy, max BAC levels, I’VE GOT THIS!

So I get to the DMV and I pay my $31 (RIPOFF!), I get my thumbprint, I get my test, I walk to the table, I pick up my pen and…

BLANK! MY MIND IS BLANK! DO YOU STOP ON GREEN AND GO ON RED? RED IS THE PRETTIER COLOR! LETS GO ON RED! YEAH!

And I can see my high ground start to quake and flatten and I AM GOING TO BE #LOSING!

And then I remembered Ben’s recent calm. Told myself to snap the fuck out of it and… did.

So I take the test to the desk, hand it to the lady, she walks over and checks it, walks back and starts typing on her computer without a word.

Me: So…
Her: *typing*
Me: Did… I pass?
Her: Yeah.
Me: YES! *fist pump*
Her: *blank stare*
Me: How many did I miss?
Her: None.
Me: YES! BAM!
Her: *blank stare*
Me: Sorry, I just totally needed this. I have to beat my husband at the driving test scores.
Guy behind me: *snicker*
Her: *blink*
Me: We’re just, we’re competitive. Well, I’m more competitive than he his. Really he’s not competitive, it’s just me. I just need to beat him. Because of the high ground.
Her: Can you please stand behind the red line and smile?
Me: SURE! BECAUSE I’M #WINNING!
Her: Now, please?
Me: Okay.

*take picture*

Me: So, I get to keep the test right?
Her: *sigh* Yes.
Me: YES!
Her: You can go now. You’re done.

She must not be married. Or slightly insane.

#WINNING

Typical Thursday Night.

Ben asks me what I’m knitting (a pink striped scarf) and I can see in his eyes that he’s very much NOT in love with my awesome pink scarf and he looks down at his laptop (and I assume facebook) and a few seconds later says:

Ben: How do you spell fuchsia?
Me: A-S-S-H-O-L-E And also it’s not FUCHSIA, it’s HOT PINK.
Ben: *searches google for fuchsia and holds up screen*
Me: THAT IS NOT PINK! SEE!
Ben: Hold it up to the screen!
Me: *holds it up* SEE! NOT FUCHSIA!
Ben: Looks close enough to me.
Me: *holds up label for yarn* Do you see what that says? HOT PINK!
Ben: I can’t see that far.
Me: I hate you.
Ben: I love you too.

LOOK! PINK!

I’m not sure why we had to spend $14,000 to find out I had colitis when he could have diagnosed me with a $4.00 jar of peanut butter.

Cassidy fell asleep on the couch last night at 8:30PM. This is really odd for her because usually on Saturday nights she’s not even in bed till 11:00PM. She had been complaining about not feeling well all afternoon and then this morning woke up pretty stuffed up and not feeling well.

This afternoon she was sitting on the couch and I noticed her cheeks were pretty pink.

Me: Your cheeks are pretty pink, do you feel warm?
Cassidy: *shrug*
Me: You might have a fever, we should take your temperature.
Ben: You know, the best way to find out if you are sick or not is to rub peanut butter all over your face and let the dogs lick it off.
Me: …
Cassidy: OKAY!
Me: …
Ben: WOOHOO!
Me: …
Kumo: I HEARD PEANUT BUTTER THERE IS GOING TO BE PEANUT BUTTER WHERE IS THE PEANUT BUTTER I LIKE TO EAT PEANUT BUTTER!
Danica: WOOHOO I DON’T KNOW WHY WE ARE SO EXCITED BUT I’M GOING TO BE EXCITED TOO BECAUSE MY BROTHER IS EXCITED AND I LOVE MY BROTHER SO MUCH IN ALL CAPS!
Me: …

According to Dr. Benjamin Hirsch if you laugh when a dog licks peanut butter off of your face, you can’t be sick. It’s all very scientific.

Cassidy is not sick.

The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humor.

I’ve lost 15 pounds. I’m not sure exactly where that 15 pounds went. My pants feel a little less painted on in the morning but other than that I’m stumped. Knowing my luck 5 of it came off my feet and the other 10 were just cleaned thoroughly out of my colon. We’ve been eating very “clean”. Whole grains, lean meats and LOTS AND LOTS of fresh veggies and fruit. Over the next few weeks I’m going to feature some of the recipes here because most of them have actually been much tastier than I’d think something good for you should taste. Gone are the days of rice cakes and plain egg whites that’s for sure.

Of course, Ben has less weight to lose overall but has already lost more than me. He’s at 20 pounds lost. It’s totally awesome for him, he’s doing so well. But certainly there is some twisted higher being out there that was drop kicked in the face by a woman at some point and now we’re all paying the consequence by having to do twice as much work to lose the same amount of weight.

We’ve also been hitting the gym pretty regularly. It’s amazing to me how in two months I can do the same workout on the treadmill but my heart rate average has gone down 40 beats per minute. FORTY. BEATS. PER. MINUTE. I thought for sure during that first workout that my heart was going to commit mutiny. He was going to band together with my spleen and gallbladder and find the quickest exit possible. I’m not sure how important a spleen or gallbladder is but I do know that I’d be kinda screwed without my heart.

Today I made an appointment with a personal trainer that I routinely see TRY TO MURDER people at the gym. Tonight a man just WALKED OUT in the middle of his hour. WALKED OUT! Dude is INTENSE. And I’m really really looking forward to it. Also, I’m wondering how hard I’d actually have to hit him to knock him out to run away. Maybe kicking hm would be better. I guess we’ll find out Wednesday.

Treat please.

Breakfast @ 6:30AM: I need to work more protein into breakfast. Even if it means getting up earlier to cook something at home. I don’t WANT to do that though. When I start P90x I want to start having a Shakeology before I leave the house or on the way to work. That’s 17 grams of protein, 17 of carbs and only 150 calories! I also forgot flax seed meal AND my vitamin today. DOH!

1/3 cup of Danon Light & Fit Vanilla Yogurt
1/2 Fuji Apple
1/2 cup Puffins Peanut Butter Cereal

Calories: 168
Carbs: 20
Fat: 1
Protein: 4

Snack @ 9:30AM: I forot to take a shot before I ate it! DOH! I’m new to this! I’m sure I’ll start to remember in no time!

5 Ellie Krieger lemon shrimp
1/4 cup Ellie Krieger Soup cream & Chives Smashed Potatos

Friday Craigslist LAWLS

Remember all those rocks I mentioned before? The ones we removed, one at a time, from the GIGANTIC pond in the back yard? Well, we’ve been meaning to put them up on Craigslist for quite some time and Ben finally got them up today. Now, we are GIVING these rocks away.

FOR FREE.

We could probably make a few hundred dollars on them but we JUST. WANT. THEM. GONE. and posting them for free Ben had quite a few hits in a very short amount of time. The first response was from a nice couple that is in the process of building a pond for themselves and are going to be here tomorrow morning to haul them all away.

BUT! The great thing about Craigslist is that there are always THOSE people out there. You know, THEM. And Ben got one. The following exchange is the reason that I was never in a great rush to list them myself and also why I’m so glad Ben took on the task:

Crazy ass Rock Guy (AKA: Steve):

Hi,

Yes, I am very interested to take most of all of your rock this Sunday. Sat might be possilbe after 3 but I have to wait for another confirmation. However, Sunday is best for me. Please let me know if it is ok.

Thanks,
Steve
[Phone number redacted to protect the innocent stupid]

Ben:

Rocks are tenatively spoken for, but will update once they’re taken (hopefully tomorrow).

Crazy ass Rock Guy:

No idea what you mean by saying rocks are tenatively spoken for. So you still have them available or not?

Ben:

Tentatively spoken for means that someone has contacted me and is making plans to come get them, but they have not picked them up yet.

Thanks,
Ben

Crazy ass Rock Guy:

You must be an University teacher or belonging to the Poetry Club. In a daliy life and common usage, we don’t use your language. It can only cause more confusion.

Thanks,
Steve

Ben:

I’m sorry for taking the time to give you an update. Please disregard all of my previous emails and the advertisement I took the time to write, and generosity for giving away free landscaping rocks (just…wow…). I don’t know who ‘we’ is, but I don’t belong to that group.

Let me put it in language that better suits you (sigh).

You will never get them.

Enjoy your weekend,
-a generous asshole.

And because Steve is one of those persistant kind of whack jobs he didn’t give up and Ben got these about an hour ago:

Fucken smart ass…rocks don’t speak man so wtf u mean by saying rocks are tentatively spoken for…….U don’t even know what the fuck u are talking about u idiot.. tentatively AHOLE ….make more sense

Then 8 minutes later:

fucken retarded W trash– Obama is a president now u ahole…..

WOW?! Obama is president?! I had no clue! I really didn’t! I’m so glad that I had this educated voting member of society to inform me!