You are too much for me, Home Depot! I wish I knew how to quit you.

Last Satruday morning Ben woke me from a beautiful and blissful sleep to tell me that I was snoring. This doesn’t seem so abnormal except that he had been UP AND OUT OF THE ROOM FOR AN HOUR. I’m not sure the exact face I made at him at that time but I know what I was thinking. It was something along the lines of “I wonder how far into his ass my foot is going to be before it starts to register how terrible a mistake he’s just made”. Turned out he just woke me up to see if I wanted to go to Home Depot with him.

I should have stayed in bed.

When we got there we had two goals in mind. 1) Get him a set of calipers to measure my brake roters 2) Pick up a wallpaper remover tool and spray and some paint swatches, both for Cassidy’s bathroom. Other than a slight snag when the tool guy didn’t know what calipers were, we made pretty good time and I even got Ben to detour down the lighting isle to scope out some fixtures for ALL the bathrooms.

Then we got in line to check out.

Then 45 minutes later when we were still in line, actually the THIRD LINE, Ben’s cooling system broke and his rods reached critical mass and I had to slowly step back about 15 feet to avoid becoming collateral damage.

See,the computers were down. The were running around FRANTIC and OMG WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO THERE ARE NO COMPUTERS HOW DO WE FUNCTION!? Because, you know, it’s not like you can actually SELL something if there’s not a touchscreen monitor in front of you telling you how which step of the check out process you are on, what to do next, and the amount of change you need to dispense.

So because they couldn’t use their fancy machines to hold their hands through the process let me tell you the genius system they devised.

Step 1: Stand in line so that ONE girl at ONE counter could write all of the items on a triplicate form while the 24 people in line behind you groan loudly.

Step 2: Stand in another line so that a girl can add prices to the form, then manually add them up, calculate tax and total it.

Step 3: Stand in ANOTHER line to pay using one of the old school swipe style credit card machines.

Step 4: Walk to power tool isle, pick up nail gun, place directly against head, pull trigger.

Of course we were in line #3 and next to pay and get the fuck out of there when… suddenly all the computers started working again! I slammed my stuff down, almost turned around and spit venom directly into the face of the man that tried to line cut me after he’d spent 45 minutes in line behind me and CERTAINLY should have understood that based on line hierarchy, my shit was getting checked out first and if you try to get in my way I am allowed to backhand you with a sledgehammer.

Then the check out lady took the receipt we should have gotten and slid it into her register before she realized what she was doing EVEN THOUGH SHE HAD A COMPUTER TELLING HER EXACTLY WHAT TO DO AND WHAT TO SAY AND WHEN TO HAND ME WHAT AND WHEN.

So it was another 15 minutes of standing there because she had to finish the next sale to open the drawer. Only the machine wouldn’t take the guy’s debit card. And then it wouldn’t take his credit card. So he had to go out to his car and get his check book. And write a check. With his hand. And a pen.

It was sometime between the failure of the credit card and the check writing that Ben’s head started to actually steam and I had to move further away because he was radiating enough heat to melt the plastic bags holding my nifty new $5.00 wallpaper removal tool. From 15 feet away.

When we finally got our receipt and got out of there we weren’t sure whether we should go to Starbucks and treat ourselves for not actually reaching critical mass or drive straight home and start drinking obscene amounts of tequila to forget the entire experience. We opted for the Starbucks.

My love affair with Home Depot is OFFICIALLY OVER.

At least until later this week when we go in to price flooring for downstairs.

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Oh wait, that was, like, a week ago. Lets start over.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I really hope that everybody had a FANTASTIC Christmas. Our was awesome. Five days of sitting on our asses being as lazy as humanly possible. One morning I ate chocolate ice cream for breakfast AND dinner. Not having a child around you have to set an example for is SO TOTALLY AWESOME.

We are having a few friends over but I wanted to take a few seconds to get a blog post out there before 2008 comes to an end forever. I’ve spent some time today in google reader reading all your wonderful 2008 recaps. Some are doing memes and some are listing important things that happened month by month but I kinda hate memes passionately and I’m blond so you can’t reasonably expect me to remember what I did last January. For serious.

So I’ll just leave you by saying that 2008 was one of the most awesome so far. I got married to my soul mate and we bought a house. Two things I’ve been dreaming about for years and years. And two things that totally made me not feel bad at all about not being able to buy Christmas gifts for each other because we are BROKE. Every day at least once I look down at my ring finger and get that little rush of adrenaline knowing that he’s MINE. FOREVER. And every day we come home from a long day at work and an even longer commute home and we pull up to our house and I think, “We are home. This is OUR HOUSE! We have a house!”

Everybody be safe tonight. Surround yourself with good friends and the ones you love the most and make sure you get a kiss at midnight. I’ll raise my glass of champagne to all my online friends. I love you all. Happy New Year!

Just Like A Tuesday.

At dinner tonight Cassidy asked about the relationship between cat and human years. I didn’t really know but I assumed that the general 7 years used for dog life would be close so Cassidy determined that KC was 70 years old. Her jaw dropped and she exclaimed that, “OMG KC IS REALLY OLD!” So I told her, “YEAH! Remember that next time you feel like chasing her around the house like a lunatic!” Then I told her that we’re really lucky that KC is still alive and with us because 10 is actually getting up there for a cat.

The conversation eventually turned to death and how it would feel to not have her around anymore which turned to:

Cassidy: I’d probably cry.
Me: I’d probably lose it, like, mentally. Seriously.
Ben: So it would be like… a Tuesday.
Me: I hate you.
Ben: *grin*
Me: And I’m totally blogging that later.

The ability to laugh at Ben making fun of my mental state is the best part of having a “normal” mental state.

And for the record, after doing some research I realized that KC is actually only 56 years old. Assuming she doesn’t get any fatter, or lazier, or bitchier, I think she still has a few good years in her.

Day 5: Declaring the winner.

I’m glad that Obama won. I was elated. I teared up during his speech. It was moving, and hopeful and exactly what I think the entire nation needed to hear. I am so looking forward to this amazing person who will be leading our nation into the future.

All that said, I’m somewhat disheartened by the reaction that I’m seeing online. Republicans saying DELUSIONAL things like “Obama is a Muslim! He can’t be Christian! He didn’t thank GOD in his speech!” Then Democrats saying “You are prejudice because you didn’t vote for Obama!”

Republicans attacking republicans for not being pissed off enough and Democrats attacking Democrats for saying that John McCain gave an amazing concession speech.

AND OH MY FUCKING GOD PEOPLE CHILL THE FUCK OUT!

What happened yesterday was AMAZING. People from BOTH sides turned out in record numbers. You fought for what you believed in, you took the time to make your voice heard, you stood in line, you made a difference! Even if your guy didn’t win, even if you voted for the opposite side as me, I’m SO PROUD of every single person that went out and voted. I’m thankful for every single person that understood the importance of this election. I’m so proud that we ALL, TOGETHER, made history yesterday.

Please, I beg you, let this be a time to heal. Lets allow ourselves to band together and use the passion we felt yesterday to work together and make the changes we all know need to be made. WE will ALL play a major part in how the next four years play out and right now, today, this very second, you can decide what kind of future you want it to be.

AND!

I promise, this is the last of my political blog posts for awhile. I want to post some about Prop 8 but I think I made it clear Monday exactly what my feelings are and, like I said above, right now I need to look forward and have faith that we will work together as a state to figure this out.

SO HAPPY BLOGGING TOMORROW! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!

And I might possibly do a Me Today video because I feel like shakin’ things up a bit. Have a topic you want me to talk about or a question you want me to answer? Leave a comment or use the form on the contact page to send me an email and you’ll get the answer LIVE AND IN VIDEO.

Day 2: Sleep with one eye open.

I’ve out a LOT of effort into being as lazy as possible this weekend. It was rainy and overcast and cloudy the couch was REALLY comfy and warm and inviting. Therefore rather than type up that dream I will leave you with pictures of the cat cuteness.

This picture says: “Sleep with one eye open.”

This one says: “Actually, take this, this is my good side.”

We’ve recently had to kick the cats out of the bedroom at night because they (and by they I mean Hans because KC is far to fat and lazy) have been jumping onto Ben’s dresser and scratching it. Hans likes to sit there by the window and lord over the back yard from high on his Perch of Greatness.

They both have ended up sleeping with Cassidy at night which she thinks is great! But about 4:45AM EVERY SINGLE DAY, they start to get a little antsy and pace the floor in front of our door yelling GET UP AND LET ME OUTSIDE, JERKS! By about 5:00AM Hans is doing backflips against the door in protest and when Ben opens it he’s like OMG I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD LET ME OUTSIDE HURRY I HAVE THINGS TO DO AND PLACES TO PEE AND WATER TO DRINK AND WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU DO LONG HURRY HURRY HURRY THIS WAY I’LL SHOW YOU THIS DOOR OPEN IT OPEN IT OPEN IT HURRY HURRY!

And KC is like, thank GOD you got up to let that spaz out. Now, stop what you’re doing this instant and shower me with the love I deserve for being this amazingly cute.

I have to admit that sometimes it’s the part of the morning I look forward to the most and I get a little grin at how cute and different that cats can be. On Saturdays though, on Saturdays I start to wonder what exactly is involved in the making of cat stew…

Day 1: Only 29 more chances to fail!

Today is day 1 of NaBloPoMo and I’m blogging which means I haven’t failed yet! Day 1 has been lovingly sponsored by the bullet list, the Internets way to get away with run on sentences.

• Thank you all so much for the comments and emails after I made the previous post. All the little reminders that I was doing the right thing and to stick to it really meant a lot. You all rock.
• It has been really rainy and crappy all day which means we spent the day napping and playing geeky games and eating chocolate ice cream. Basically, the BEST kind of day!
• I started on this scarf last night using some hand dyed, hand spun yarn I bought off this fabulous Etsy shop. It came from Uruguay which somehow makes it seem cooler to me. This is my first cable knit scarf and so far I’m rockin’ the cables, yo.
• Speaking of, I’ve been thinking more about highlighting some of my knitting aventures on the site. Is that something you would be interested in seeing or would it kind of mar my awesome f-bomb dropping hardass personality? You know, I have a reputation to uphold here.
• I like pie.
• I have some pictures to upload tomorrow. One of them involved the fat cranky cat and a witches hat with orange ringlet hair attached to it. She hasn’t talked to me in two days… which isn’t necessarily something I’m complaining about.
• Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post which is probably going to contain a rather funny dream I had the other night about Ben getting pissed off that I bought him a Ferrari and when I woke up I was like, well yeah! Ben would totally be upset if I bought him a Ferrari, what the hell was I thinking?! Don’t worry, it will make sense to you too once I explain.