Last year, like ever single year before it, I swore that this year I’d make a more solid effort to beautify the outside world by planting… things? And I’ve planted lots and lots of things over the years! And most of them have died. Because planting things I can SO DO! Really well, actually. But killing things? I totally OWN at that.

This year I figured I’d just start out slow by trying to better NOT KILL the things around my house that are already growing. Like, the rose bushes in front of the living room window that I hate so much. But just because I hate them doesn’t mean that I should just let them die, right? Well, not until I rip them out of the ground which I plan on doing as soon as I can get over my debilitating fear of The Thorns. And it doesn’t mean that I’m going to let them fall prey to the 15,326,224,889 Aphids that are EATING THEM ALIVE. I know that’s the number because Ben questioned me so I counted.

So when he asked if I wanted to ride with him to OSH the other day I went along because I had… a plan. A plan which involved 1,500 vicious, blood thirsty and highly trained ladybugs.

Unfortunately I can’t give out all the specific details of Operation Eat The Aphids Till They Are Dead because it’s a highly protected and privately funded program and the fact that you simply know the name is putting you in danger. GRAVE DANGER! As a matter of fact, I might have to kill you when you’re done reading this.

What I can tell you is that Phase One of OETATTAD has turned out a little differently then I’d expected. When checking on The Clone Army the day after they were deployed I found that Phase One, previously dubbed Search and Destroy, has turned into Find The Nearest Leaf And DO IT.

Like, you know, DO IT. IT! SEX PEOPLE, I’M TALKING ABOUT SEX HERE!

Everywhere I looked there were vicious, blood thirsty and highly trained ladybugs DOING IT. All over the yard! Fraternizing among the troops! I didn’t ask, I shouldn’t have been told! What was going on!?

So I did what comes natural to any General in time of great despair. I grabbed my camera! I wasn’t able to post all the pictures because I was kind of worried that flickr would tag me as “unsafe”. Some of these pictures are pretty graphic, people. Five sets of ladybugs DOING IT in one frame is a little much for the general public to take on. Besides I’m pretty sure I can sell those to Playbug or Bugs Gone Wild for some good money.

All I can do not is hope that Phase One: Find The Nearest Leaf And DO IT leads to Phase Two: Feast Of The Ladybug Larvae.

PS - Nine days till MAUI!!!!! (That’s how I say Maui now. In all caps with 5 exclamation points behind it. Sometimes I even vocally BOLD it.)

MAUI!!!!!

*Title quote: Robin Williams

My dad and fabulous step-mom came to visit us while my dad had some business to do locally this week. I seriously love them both and and am still laughing a little at some of the stories I got to hear while we caught up. There is never a dull moment when we get to hang out with them. It’s all laughing and funny and light hearted and “pull my finger” and horrible dirty bathroom humor.

I could go on here about how much my dad likes to tease me about talking about poop. Although I think that for every time I might have mentioned poop in casual conversations he’d point out how much I like to talk about poop TWO TIMES. So really, he talked about it at least twice as much as I did.

But! Instead I’m going to post this fantastic video that my step-mom, Cherie, and step-sister, Danielle, worked so hard on and and are, rightfully so, very proud of. I’m proud of both of them too and wanted to publicly thank them for reminding me once again how thankful I should be for all the simple pleasures I’m afforded. When I see things like this it causes me to really reevaluate my goals and “dreams” and consider just how selfish I’ve become when I think about “what’s important in life”. Because having lots of makeup and Coach purses and the latest and greatest techy toy should NOT be what I value most. And I’m not particularly sure what I SHOULD be focused on but I know that realization and reflection are the first steps and hopefully, in time, the rest will follow.

So sit, watch, listen and when you’re done go leave them some love.

*Title Quote: Helen Keller

I should apologize for the fact that I haven’t written a blog entry in, like, two weeks but I’m really not sorry. I was sick. NON FUCKING STOP. The Plague, then The Great Belly Ache of 2008, then The Sinus Headache To End Them All. And in the midst of all this Ben had the audacity to also catch The Plague and be sick and not able to take care of me in a manner in which I require while I’m clearly in need. All I ask is that he bows to my every whim and desire. He acts like this is ASKING A LOT but really, how hard is it to hand feed me chocolate ice cream while scrolling webpages for me and wiping my nose? Seriously.

Married life has been fabulous despite that one shortcoming my husband has and I have now officially acquired his last name. And can I just say that WHAT THE HELL!? Women get the shaft on that end. Social security cards, drivers license, ATM cards, bills, email addresses, online accounts, credit cards… all of them have to be contacted, forms filled out, phone calls made, then you have to call them all 29 times and yell at 17 different people to get them to understand that ALL I WANT TO DO IS CHANGE MY NAME!

Anyway! I’ve been reading all your blogs and will get around either today or tomorrow to comment and show you all much love. But I missed you all lots and lots and lots. I’d make you all cupcakes and hand them out if you were here to try and grovel but you aren’t… so I’ll just eat one in each of your honor instead!

And because I feel bad for not showing all my girls love, I command you all to go tell Brit stop being so reclusive because I miss her, poke Ashley’s belly and wish her well on her upcoming arrival, go welcome Sewwy to the inked skin family, congratulate katy on her new geek job, remind Becca that mommyhood is full of sickness and booboos and she ROCKS at it, give Steen the love and positive thoughts she needs in the wake of losing her beloved Riddle, and tell Jenn to stop blogging so much because she’s making all us slackers look bad.

There are many more of you, but I’ve reached the point at which I’ve become too lazy to continue.

*big hugs*

I am really bad about meme-ing. I hardly ever do them when I’ve been tagged because I can never just give a one word answer, everything requires explanation! And the pressure of having to write is something that seriously feels suffocating to me sometimes. This one has been cool though because it’s only four and the DVR and food questions have been fun to read.

So I catually DID IT! YAY!

Amanda tagged me with this meme…

The meme consists of four questions requiring four answers, and then the tagging of four people.

4 Jobs I’ve Had in My Life:
- Gift wrapper at Sneads! Man, Stephaine and I could even make wrapping boxes in a small cramped room fun.
- Carmel corn bagger/sales associate (HA!) at the great Kern County Fair.
- Computer Sales rep at Best Buy. Please buy the warranty. Please.
- Professional blogger. I think since I’m making money off this site and others now, I can add that to my job list!
4 Shows I DVR
- Big Brother 9
- Lost
- House
- Family Guy

4 Places I’ve Been
(It was hard to pick only FOUR because I was lucky enough to have a Grandma growing up that took us all over the country, literally, when we were growing up. So I picked some of my favorite places.)
- Fombell, PA. I lived there in second grade with my Aunt Cathy, Uncle Larry and cousin Stefanie. Some of my best childhood memories were there. It was like my second home and I miss it dearly sometimes.
- Maui <3
- Washington DC. TWICE! And I can't wait to go back again and getting to take Cassidy with us.
- Mackinac Island, Michigan. I absolutely plan on going back there and staying at the Grand Hotel. It’s on my bucket list.

4 Favorite Foods
- Garlic Chicken Calzone DELUXE from Frugatti’s in Bakersfield
- Any souffle from Bella Vista in the Bay Area
- Clam chowder in a bread bowl from Spash Cafe in Pismo
- Mom: home made fettucini alfredo, Dad: rosemary (fresh of his plant) potatoes and turkey noodle soup (he makes the noodles too).

4 People I Tag
You, you, you and YOU! And Jenn MUST DO IT!! Like, every blogger IN THE WORLD has been tagged with this in the last week. If you aren’t one of them, TAG! You’re it!

*Title Quote: Elaine Liner: We Got Naked, Now What, SXSW 2006

I know that some of you have been twittering for quite some time and some of you have just been recently introduced to the obsession. It doesn’t matter WHEN you started though because the fact is, if you are twittering, you are hooked. You might send a tweet once a day or multiple times an hour, it doesn’t really matter because YOU HAVE BEEN SUCKED IN. MUAHAHAHA. I admit, my obsession has died down some since that first phone bill arrived with all 2,356 text messages listed and Ben was like, “THINK OF THE TREES!”.

I’ve tried to see if I can have just a select few tweets sent to my phone. Like, I don’t need every single one of Scoble’s tweets (even though I secretly wish I could follow him around from one techy junket to the next) but I would like to get Steen’s. And Jenn’s. And Sewwy’s. (PROPER SEO, Julie! Who, by the way, doesn’t Tweet which makes me sad.) So I think I’ll try when I get home to finally get that all lined up and working properly.

Ben has never really gotten into the whole twittering thing. When he’s seen me send a tweet from the phone or I’ve told him that YOU SO NEED TO TWEET he’s given me his standard “I love you dearly you hot ball of sexyness, but hell to the fuck no” look.

So I have to admit I was a little surprised yesterday the other day when he emailed me a link to a setup that sends you a tweet when your house plant needs to be watered. Surprised because maybe he was suddenly interested in twitter?! NO! Surprised because WE DON’T HAVE ANY HOUSE PLANTS! Well, we do have the one bamboo plant but you pretty much can’t kill those. I mean, you have to TRY and fail them. Maybe Ben would be more interested if there was a way to twitter you when your wife is premenstrual! Dude, somebody should get on that. As long as it doesn’t mean sticking electrodes to my ovaries and stuff. Because, no.

Man, I should really stop blogging when hopped up on Flu medicine.

So um, BLOG GIRLS! Are any of you thinking of attending BlogHer this year in San Francisco? Because it’s SO CLOSE to me. It’s like, right there *points North* and I promised myself last year that I’d attend this year and not be sorry I missed out on all the fun. But the thing is, I’d like to KNOW somebody going. I mean I know OF plenty of people going but I can’t exactly walk up to Heather Amrstong and be all, “HI! I totally stalk, I MEAN READ, your blog and think you are just the bee’s knees and can I sit next to you at the Cool Kid’s table?! Because that would be swell! And you said once that your shampoo smells really good can I just smell your head?! Wait! Where are you going? WHY ARE YOU SPRAYING ME WITH PEPPER SPRAY?!”

Or something.

And all of you who read my blog already know in advance that I’m crazy so it wouldn’t be QUITE as shocking to you. And I’ll probably go regardless but it would be nice to have somebody to hold my hair back after the cocktail parties.

MARRIED!

It’s still sinking in a little. And you have NO IDEA, dear Internet, how hard it was to keep all this a secret from you! Like, the time I almost passed out while trying on my wedding dress, totally bloggable! Seriously, David’s Bridal, when you have a girl in a knee length body cincher and a dress with 7 layers of fabric, it’d be nice to RUN THE AIR CONDITIONER. I have to admit for just a few seconds as my vision blurred and the wave of nausea hit me and the hot flash started, I thought that maybe if I DID pass out I’d get a discount on my dress but the fear of a black eye on my wedding day didn’t seem too appealing.

The secret was so worth keeping though. My step-mom said she almost called at 12:05 Friday morning because IT WAS FRIDAY AND SHE WANTED TO KNOW THE SECRET ALREADY but they waited and she and my dad are both so happy for us. And my mom cried when I walked into Bella Vista in my wedding dress and hugged us both and gushed and gushed. And the outpouring of well wishes from you guys was just… awesome. Ben and I both appreciate the comments, the email, the IM’s SO much. Every single one of them was read and appreciated and fantastic. Especially the ones that reminded Ben how hot he is because maybe it will coax him into letting me catch him in front of the shutter more!

We booked tickets and condo reservations for eight days in Maui in early April which will be our official honeymoon. We’re taking Cassidy this time though because we both want her to get to experience snorkeling in Molokini, Haleakala on horseback, The Road to Hana and so much more. Plus, the condo has an awesome day camp that teaches kids to Hula, play the Ukulele, make sand art, and lei’s and swimming and she won’t have a chance to be bored at all for the entire eight days.

And finally!

About a week ago I scored four free tickets to see Owen Benjamin at the San Jose Improv (YAY for mailing lists!) so Ben, Lisa and Hans and I went last night and after the opening act, SURPRISE, Jimmy Fallon made a guest appearance. He sang Car Wash for Peace (download it on iTunes, the proceeds go to a great cause) then made fun of himself and had me ROLLING ON THE FLOOR with his stand up. We had up front seats to watch my second favorite SNL star ever! SCORE!

And now I’m going to go upstairs and cuddle with my husband and pretend that my throat isn’t raw, my belly isn’t upset and my uterus isn’t pissed. They can’t ALL be good days.

So, I’m dying for a Diet Pepsi. DYING. One of the girls that sits by me tells me ALL THE TIME to just have one of her Pepsi’s that she keeps in a cabinet. But this same girl gives me attitude all the time when Ceece and I go to lunch because we don’t ask her if she wants something from where we are going. Now, this girl has NEVER organized a group lunch (I have done more than my fair share), or leaves to get lunch and ask ME what I want, she just expects to be included if anybody else is eating and it bugs the crap out of me. Like, CONTRIBUTE! ONCE! I have no problem picking up something while I’m out if I feel that the favor will EVER be returned.

I always make an excuse and thank her for the offer but tell her no because I don’t want to “owe her one” and that is absolutely how she will take it.

So.

I go downstairs to the vending machine which the guy was filling up this morning… no Diet Pepsi. NO DIET PEPSI! In a building of 300 women! What the hell, Mr Vending Machine Guy!?

So I make Ceece get up and walk half way across the building with me to get one from one of the other Pepsi vending machines. NO DIET PEPSI! @&*##$&!

Ceece mentions another Pepsi machine downstairs in the Children’s Hospital wing and YAY! DIET PEPSI! I put in my 5 quarters, the machine roars to life, I actually do a little dance of joy… then it STOPS, spits out my 5 quarters and PUNCHES ME IN THE GUT. I stand there open jawed and wide eyed for a few seconds while Ceece backs quietly away and says a little prayer. Then I might have dropped a few f-bombs and flipped the machine off. And kicked it. Twice.

I just want a GODDAMN DIET PEPSI. And Diet Coke is not an option. NOT. An. OPTION.

The roach coach is outside but to get a Diet Pepsi from them I will have to run through POURING RAIN and dig through the ice with my HAND and that’s just not an option because I’m not sure that being wet and cold is REALLY worth it. Of course, this is where I made a completely wrong judgement call.

So I cave. I ask for a Pepsi from Needy Girl and stick it in the freezer and set the timer on the iPhone for 20 minutes to check on it so it doesn’t blow up and make a huge mess. Before the timer goes off, she asked me where Ceece and I are going to lunch today.

I feel like I just sold my soul… For a Diet Pepsi.

*squeel* Friday I will be announcing BIG NEWS and while I’d love to spill the beans RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND, I’m not going to. And you have no idea how much it’s killing me not to tell the internet my BIG NEWS because I suck at keeping secrets. Not, like, secrets my friends tell me, but surprises. Seriously, when I have a surprise for Ben I’m like, “I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU! Do you want a hint?! Well, I’m going to give you one anyway, IT’S A NEW CAR!” Not that I’ve ever bought him a new car, but if I DID, that’s totally how it would go over.

Instead I’m going to tell you about our dinner at Outback the other night because every time I talk about it I have to stop half way through to keep from laughing and if I can’t tell the internet my BIG NEWS, the very least I can do is make you laugh.

So, the waiters at Outback have always done this thing where they sit in the booth while taking your order. I guess it’s supposed to make it feel like they’re a friend there to help you and make you feel comfortable and, whatever, just get my food and drinks to me. However you need to get that done, I’m cool.

Our waiter sits down and takes our order… and then moved in with us. Before we even had our DRINKS we knew that his girlfriend, Cassy, was a dance teacher and worked at two different dance studios, that he had recently applied to the Police Academy but then blew out his knee and tore his meniscus and some other important knee parts and was going to have surgery and he was really nervous and he loves kids and plans to have a huge family one day and…

Me: I’d like a Shark Bite with the 151 Rum floater. ASAP please.

Then he told us all about how he’d had a few too many Shark Bites in Cancun once and like, WHOAH, what a time he had.

I’m totally not joking. I’d had a REALLY rough day at work and GOOD LORD JUST BRING ME MY DRINK ALREADY! So our drinks come, my Shark Bite, a Long Island for Ben and milk for Cassidy. And shortly before our meal came he reached down to check on Cassidy’s milk and the next 10 seconds happened in slow motion:

He reaches for the drink, shakes it, goes to set it back down, misses the table, the milk hits the booth, he jumps to grab for it, pushes his thumb through the styrofoam cup and the milk proceeds to turn into a MILK EXPLOSION. At which point he starts to run around like he’s being attacked by a swarm of fire ants.

He apologized, PROFUSELY, and to make up for it brings Cassidy a big glass of chocolate milk. THANKS! Because what I totally wanted was to sugar her up at 8:00PM! Whatever. My Shark Bite is starting to kick in and I’m caring less and less. Did I mention where he sets the milk down? Directly in front of Cassidy’s left hand, two inches from the edge of the table.

I bet you can see where this is going can’t you?

Yep, that glass of milk lasted about 10 minutes before IT turned into a milk explosion. Only a CHOCOLATE milk explosion.

Me: Dude, we’re on some hidden camera show? I’m being punked, right? Where’s the camera?

The best part of the night though came straight from Cassidy herself. At one point I was telling Ben that the alcohol was making me feel warm and relaxed and…

Cassidy: If you get drunk, don’t poke holes in me.
Me: Um… Oooookay?

Back story, at one of the many parties we had at our house, Ben was “feelin’ good” and took the Henckel to the ice that I had in our favorite metal mixing bowl and now you can’t mix anything in the bowl. On the plus side, it can efficiently strain MASSIVE amounts of spaghetti.

The other gem came when I leaned over to smell Ben’s freshly clean sweatshirt for about the 30th time (I have a Downy obsession) and said again how OMG GOOD it smelled and…

Cassidy: Is it his BowChikaBowWow?
Me: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
*deep breath*
Me: What?!
Cassidy: You know the BowChikaWowWow I got him for Christmas?

*dies*

You had to HEAR her say it with that perfect nasal inflection. It was probably the funniest thing she’s EVER said. I start laughing, Ben starts laughing, she’s laughing at us laughing. I’m laughing now just reliving it! Hopefully you laughed too because that’s the end of the story.

It seems like this is how all our outings go. I have two of my own personal comedians to keep me constantly entertained and when that isn’t enough and I’ve had a particularly rough day, they enlist the help of outsiders to make it THAT MUCH BETTER.

Anyway, I need to get my 365 up and get myself into bed. I hope you all have a fantastic week! I’ll be busy, busy, busy and probably won’t be back to post till Friday when the BIG NEWS is announced.

EDIT - Is anybody else not seeing the comment links? I see them for the older, non intense debate posts, but not for the current two. Or they show up for the current two posts randomly. They are there on every refresh of Firefox and Safari so I’m wondering if it’s just the antiquated version of IE we are forced to use here at work.

If you can’t see them, you can click the title of the blog to get to them.

I have been ridiculously swamped at work because last week I basically got one day to do my actual work. I had to train an employee for another team because, well actually I’m still trying to find out why, Monday and Tuesday. Then Cassidy had PukeFestâ„¢ ‘08 and I had to leave after two hours on Wednesday. Thursday I was actually able to work(!!), then Friday I had a major meeting that I’ve been planning forEVer and had to attend a ‘team building’ type training after that.. all day.

So, one day. I’ve been playing catch up all week. And oh, we’ve been down one person for six months, finally got a temp in last week, and now another girl (my most favoritest ) is transferring to another department. So we’ll be down two girls. I don’t count the temp yet because she’s ssllllllooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww. You have to let that word linger for a good five seconds for full effect.

Try it again: ssllllllooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww

I’m really really really really happy for MJ because this is a step she’s been working towards for a long time. Better pay, closer to home, etc. But it’s really going to leave me in a tight spot and having to pick up a lot of the slack till the higher ups can pull together and realize that I’m DROWNING OVER HERE and hire somebody to replace her. I’m hardly covering my slack right now so the next few months are going to be really hectic.

And! Yesterday was SuperFat Tuesday. Hopefully all of you that were able to vote, did! With gaudy beads on! And if your state hasn’t had the chance yet that you do when you get the chance, only without the gaudy beads because that would just be wierd. *nods*

I was really excited yesterday because our new polling station was at Cassidy’s school. How convenient!

Only not.

Apparently when I went in to change my address when we moved, they ignored the fact that I checked the box to change my voter registration also so they didn’t have me there. Bother. I told them no biggie, I’ll just go to my prior station (all the way across San Jose in 5:00 traffic). On the way there I played phone tag and ended up picking up Ben and my little brother to tag along with me.

I’m going to make a long story short now. They didn’t have me at my old station either. @#&%#$@!! I was still able to vote though and that’s all that matters. Then I had to take my brother to HIS station which was different even though he lives closer to our old station.

Three places for three votes. That’s dedication, people! You officially have NO EXCUSE to not have voted!

Then we had dinner on my mom at Red Robin. Then I came home. Then I passed out.

The End!