For a long time now I’ve been going back and forth about having another baby or officially closing down this factory.
So I sit down like a reasonable adult and make a list.
Reasons to have 17 more kids:
- Babies smell yummy.
- Babies are cute.
- You can dress babies up in ridiculous outfits and they can’t get pissed. Well, they can get pissed but they can’t do anything about it and you shouldn’t feel guilty for laughing at them.
- I really loved breastfeeding.
- Cassidy doesn’t fall for my Halloween candy tricks anymore! (See also: Zombie Baby Costume)
- Baby fat rolls.
Then I think about the fact that in about 3.5 years Ben and I will get to stop being legally responsible for anybody but ourselves and all that would mean and… I kind of can’t wait. For instance, I could implement a No Pants Rule in the house and if Cassidy doesn’t like it then she can move to her own fascist house where stupid pants are a requirement.
So I sit back down and make another list.
Reasons you really don’t ever want another child:
- After a few months you realize that babies actually smell like vomit and poop and sleep deprivation.
- Screaming babies are not cute.
- Kid clothes are expensive. And even though you own 75 onsies and 48 pairs of baby leg warmers and 93 bibs, you can’t walk in the door of a Target without “accidentally” walking down the baby isle and buying at least 2 more of each because you are an emotion hormonal nutcase and if your baby doesn’t have 1,249 pairs of socks you are depriving them and I JUST WANT TO BE A GOOD MOM STOP JUDGING ME!
- I really hated cracked nipples and my milk letting down in the restaurant when the baby across the room that has no relation to me whatsoever cried and now the two hours I put into looking good to go out on a date night has been ruined by the two basketball sized milk stains on my shirt.
- I’m an adult! I don’t need stupid kids for Halloween candy! I can buy candy whenever the fuck I want! Also: This year I think I’ll buy my normal amount of Halloween candy then just not answer the door when the kids knock. Instead, every time I get a knock, I’m going to eat another piece of candy while looking through the peephole at the faces of sad, candy deprived children. And I will smile. And there will be no guilt. Also: GET OFF MY LAWN
- Instead of having to clean baby fat rolls in a bath every day, I can soak in a bath MYSELF with a glass of wine and Kitchen Nightmare episodes on the iPad. And I won’t even have to put pants on afterward.
No matter how cute the fat rolls are, I am really REALLY looking forward to the No Pants Rule. And most importantly, I remember that cute little babies grow into slightly less cute toddlers, then slightly more pain in the ass kids and then eventually into somewhat intolerable teenagers.
So on April 11th, 19 day ago, I went and had the Mirena IUD inserted. This baby factory is closed, people. Also, I have been bleeding for 16 out of 19 days. But that’s another post for another day. It will go into how I’m pretty sure my cervix packed it’s bag and didn’t even bother to leave a note before walking out of my life forever. Because OMG PAIN.
I’m kind of surprised about how okay I am with this decision. And of course, there is always the option of having it removed if for some crazy reason I change my mind but I’m about 99.99999999999999999999999% sure that Cassidy is going to be an only child and in 3.5 years you should definitely call before you come over because there’s about a 100% chance I will not be wearing pants.
I have so many words in me and not the will to write them. I will undoubtedly be posting here in the coming months because I miss it. I miss this so much. But for now, the words I feel are not ready to come out so instead I leave you with a proper Throw Back Thursday photo.
August 2005 at Great America for Cameron’s birthday. I made them stand in front of is so that I could get a picture with the Enterprise without looking like an idiot because OMG ENTERPRISE TAKE MY PICTURE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!?
So, recently a few of the celebrities I
stalk follow have started using this app called Keek. Think Instagram but with short videos. So far I’ve seen a Teen Mom star, every single Kardashian spawn, Snooki and JWOWW post tweets and/or screenshots on Instagram of their Keek accounts.
I kind of wrote it off as Keek trying to hype it’s service. I assumed that these folks were probably being paid to pimp the service, which I get. Make your money, yo. But then I started seeing more and more people post tweets about it and also Instagram screenshots so I checked it out.
Okay, let me be completely honest. I have absolutely no plan at this point on using the service but when I see any new service like this I grab the username Antigone as soon as possible. I get annoyed when somebody else gets there first because I’ve been using the name online for FIFTEEN YEARS so technically, it should be reserved for me anyway.
So I signed up and grabbed my username, browsed a bit, followed some people and closed the app. I started getting notifications on my iPhone IMMEDIATELY so turned off all that business but the emails were already hitting my inbox too. I had just been deleteing them as they came in but then saw one titled “Get Your Account Verified” so I checked it out to make sure that I hadn’t missed a step in the sign up process and this is what it said:
The Keek community is growing rapidly with millions of people signing up monthly. Keek account verification is used to authenticate the identity of users. The verified icon helps establish trust and makes it easier for users to find you and your content.
1. Post at least one keek to the account you want to verify.
2. Take a screenshot of your Keek profile and post it to your official Twitter, Facebook and/or Instagram accounts with this verification message:
Copy text below:
Go download the Keek app and subscribe to me! My username is antigone http://keek.com/getapp
3. Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org and include your Keek username along with links to the verification message posted on each of your official accounts.
• You don’t need all of the above accounts to be verified but your chances increase if you post the verification message to all official accounts you own
• Active Keek accounts with engaged followers and subscribers increase your chances of verification
Keek manually reviews all submissions and does not guarantee verification for any account.
And I was like YEAAAHHH. Hello spam! Post screenshots of us all over the place (FREE ADVERTISING!) and MAYBE at SOME POINT we’ll “verify” your account. Hey Keek, guess how I’ll verify that I am who I say I am, BY POSTING A VIDEO OF MYSELF FLIPPING YOU THE BIRD!
So I realized that the reason all those celebs were doing this was because branding is a big deal. Social Media is the best thing to happen to celebrities in a LONG time (obviously talking about celebs that choose to not be as private) and they want that verification so they fell into this trap. But for everybody else, this is Keek just cleverly using social media and the kind of idiots that like stupid shit on Facebook spam pages to garner themselves a TON of free advertising.
Seriously, just look at a search on twitter for “Go download the Keek app and subscribe to me! My username is”:
Why in the hell does _becky_w or royaaal_ need a verified account? Other than Keek’s want for them to make sure all their twitter, Facebook and Instagram followers know the app exists. Now MOST PEOPLE will open this email and realize this right away. But the same people that like photos to prevent cancer on Facebook will do this verify BS and pollute the internet with an app that SHOULD do what every other decent app does and know that if you build an excellent app, people will promote it all on their own and it will grow and thrive and become The Next Big Thing.
And I know this isn’t a BIG DEAL. It’s not even a Big Deal. But I hate that this is the direction the internet is going and I really wish all these young ignorant whippersnapper would get off my goddamn lawn.
I think I’ll make this a weekly thing for all you parents out there that, like me, sometimes wonder why in the heck you decided to do this in the first place.
1) Halloween Candy!
When they’re young it’s: I’m just going to test some of these to make sure they’re safe.
When they’re a bit older it’s: Time for bed! Leave the candy down here in my lap so I can protect it! What? I have no idea why all the Starburst are gone!
When they’re teenagers it’s: Let me explain the concept of rent to you.
So, my mom got me this road rage megaphone for Christmas which is funny for a number of reasons.
The first reason is because I hardly EVER cuss in front of my mom. Every once in awhile I’ll let a random F-bomb drop if I’m talking passionately talking about something (POLITICS!) or I’ll let a random “shit” slide out (heh, heh, heh) but for the most part, none of those words. And it’s not even like I TRY to not cuss, it’s like I get in front of her and this Bad Word Filter is thrust into my brain and those words get stuck there till we’re in the car on the way home when they all come pouring out in a river of verbal diarrhea.
So the best part was she handed it to me with a HUGE smile on her face and was like, “I saw this and immediately thought of you and knew you had to have it.”
I opened it and was kind of confused about what it was till I pressed the first button and a man at volume level 830,482 screamed HEY, GET YOUR FUCKED UP PIECE OF CRAP OUT OF MY WAY. And the entire room was quiet for about 3 seconds before we all started cracking up and my mom yelled PRESS ANOTHER BUTTON!
So I did.
UH, ARE YOU DRIVING THAT PIECE OF SHIT TO THE DUMP!?
And my mom laughed. And I was like, “What alternate reality are we in right now!?”
Have I told you all about how I’ve been begging Ben for like 10 years now to PLEASE let me put a police style blow horn on my car and he lists off these lame reasons I’m not allowed to to that?
1) It’s illegal.
2) I’d get shot.
3) Or run off the road.
4) Or arrested.
5) Apparently he believes that sometimes people don’t need to know what I’m thinking which I think is just silly. I let HIM know what I’m thinking at the times so why would I deny the general public that great pleasure!?
But lets be realistic here. I believe that if you see some dumb teenager on the phone and you have the ability to call her out on it and POLITELY ask her to GET OFF THE GODDAMN PHONE, YOU TWIT then she would be so embarrassed about being called out that she’d actually get off the phone. And probably flip me off. But STILL! That hand would be flipping the bird, then end up BACK ON THE WHEEL instead of holding the phone to her ear!
YOU’RE WELCOME, WORLD.
Alas, he’s put his foot down and denied me this one simple wish. That’s okay though because now I have this awesome little megaphone so that I can wait for it to be really quite, or a really serious moment in a movie, or when he’s leaning in to give me a sweet kiss and…
COME ON, GET OUT OF THE WAY YOU FUCKING MORON.
Best. Present. Ever.