You need to remember that you are not her, and no matter what she does, you will always be above that. You are a good person, a kind person, and an awesome person, and a great mother. Keep your chin up – someday she’ll come to realize she’s missed out on so much greatness with you. <3

It sucks that your mom is the way that she is but you should never let her get you down on your self. It is her loss because she doesn’t recognize or appreciate this. I know how important it is to have your moms approval but you shouldn’t sacrifice your emotional health to do so.

I have no real advice on how you can deal with her. But I do have some advice on how you can deal with you when she starts to get under your skin – remember what you have and who you are. Those are things that she can never ever take away from you, no matter what she says or how much she disapproves. Its your life to live, share your happiness with those that want the best for you and ignore everybody else (including your mom in this case).

I read this last week, just haven’t had the chance to sit down and respond. Everyone has given you great feedback.

I consider myself an overly nice person myself, and I try to maintain neutral to positive standings with people. So nice and so passive to the point I was completely taken advantage of in an 7 year relationship and marriage. I figured “you can’t change someone else, so I can only change myself.” That seemed harmless at the time, beneficial in the short-term, but that was a very dangerous and damaging route to take.

Now, I think dealing with a parent versus dealing with a spouse are very different things. You have pre-programmed actions and reactions with your mother that are very hard to shake, you have a natural desire to do what she wants and to do it right and seek her approval.

What stands out to me is how she treats you like a child. Sure, you’re her daughter, but you are an adult and you deserve that respect. On YOUR birthday you should be able to choose where to go. When someone asks YOU where YOU want to go, she shouldn’t override what you say. And Anna, as hard as it is to do, you have to stand up for yourself one way or the other! Communication seems to be lacking and your mom is getting away with it because she’s bullied you so much you remain quiet while the emotion breaks you apart inside. As they’ve both been pointed out.

1. Passive – Ignore her. Disconnect from her. I don’t think this is very effective. She behaves the way she does because she probably doesn’t think there’s anything wrong (or is in denial of it). If you punish her with silence the message is lost.

2. Confrontation – Call her out. Let her know what she did on your birthday to hurt you. Even if that means writing her a letter that she can receive in the mail and read or reread at her own pace – but at least then you can tell her what you feel uninterrupted and she can read your letter, reread it, burn it, laminate it, whatever. Be event specific with your birthday…don’t dig too far into the past unless she follows up and needs it. If she is still defensive and denies any wrongdoing close the conversation telling her you’re taking a break from her for a while, that way the “silence” has an impact.

It’s at that point she has to choose whether or not to treat you with the respect you deserve or if her own pride is worth losing her daughter and granddaughter over.

You’ve grown up, Anna. It’s time for your mother to do the same.

*hug*

I’ve had my share of family issues, so sadly I’m no stranger to the idea of confrontation (sometimes I wish I were). Hopefully Anna can find a way through this mess that nets her as much happiness as she, Cassidy, myself, …and lets not forget her younger brother (still living with Lynn) Cameron can get! Although, she’s really only responsible for her happiness, and part of Cassidy’s. Cameron (younger brother) is of the age where he needs to be finding or have found his own voice and be able to stand up for himself. Sadly, he is an extremely dependant position with Lynn, and as a result, he doesn’t assert himself.

Anyway, now I’m just blabbering off at the mouth.

I love you honey. You are all of the things that everyone has said here, and you do forget that, you tell lies to yourself to try to appease others (in this case, your mom), so you don’t risk the relationship with them. This is probably the first time in your life since I’ve known you that you’ve seen so intimately just how screwed up your Mom is, …and now that you have, you see it as nearly impossible not to change something (about you and the way you’re doing things).

Remember, at the end of the day, she will always be Lynn, and always be your mother. It just depends on what you’re going to change in YOUR life. She is ready to act like she did nothing wrong, and that her priorities are correct, in-line, and that the fact that she didn’t call or visit or …any of that for Cassidy’s birthday.. that’s okay… I was justified.. because I was ANGRY with my daughter (sigh). No need for Me to change MY life, right? Why would I? (sigh).

Is there a law against shaking your mother-in-law?

It’s not you letting her down. It’s the opposite, actually. She’s letting you down, but you’re on such a guilt trip that you can’t really see it. I’ve been there, darling. My mother is Queen of Guiltland. It’s right between Disappointmentville and Douchebagia.

At one point, I had considered receiving counseling with my mother, but the fact of the matter is I don’t want a relationship with her, even if I yearn for one. However, the same might be true for you. If that’s the case, I suggest you look into some family counseling. Perhaps it will take an outside party to make her understand just how much she’s hurting you.

Because she is. She’s hurting you a lot. I’d even venture so far as to say she’s emotionally abusing you. Why? Is there a reason for it? I mean, my mother tends to neglect me because she feels guilty about something that happened in our past… although she’d never admit that. I’ve been on the receiving end of therapy enough to know it’s true. So… is there an underlying problem?

Okay, I’m just rambling about things I really don’t know anything about. I’m sorry if I offended you or anything during this comment… I really just want to see you happy. Because you deserve it. You’re a total effin sweetheart, and I admire you so much.

If I become half the mom you are, I should win awards.

I think the best thing a kid can do parent-wise is to free themselves from having to please them. It’s easier said than done, but we all hit that wall where we need to do something they disapprove of, or don’t understand, or won’t support. It looks like you have already overcome that wonderfully, so I say? SCREW her. She can live in her petty little world, and I hope just writing it out can help you out without having to confront her. You might miss that closeness but if it’s that detrimental to you, it doesn’t sound like a relationship worth fostering. A person’s negativity is not easily changed, but I wish you the best of luck if you do have to talk this through with her. Whatever happens, I hope that it can stop affecting you as much because you are stronger, more successful, and more beautiful than she’ll ever give you credit for. She does sound somewhat like Caitlin’s mom… who I have pegged as pretty insecure. I don’t know her but maybe she has some similar issues.

*hugs*

The way you’ve turned out and the way you’ve grown up is amazing despite your role model. I’m not putting down your mother as a role model either because I’m sure that she taught you lots of good things too, but I’m sure you get my drift. You are one of the most level headed, beautiful, funny, witty, confident people I know on the internet. I’ve always been so intrigued by the little that I knew about your life and I’ve always admired and respected you.

I think that what you are doing is absolutely fabulous, yet I can absolutely understand how hard it must be. The guilt that a mother can place upon her daughter is so strong that it can barely be put into words. What needs to be done is exactly what you’re doing. It takes a strong mind and heart to do it, too, but I know you can do it. Your mother needs to realize that you are a beautiful, confident young woman who has made an absolutely fabulous life for herself. You’ve got a beautiful daughter, a fabulous husband, a house, a job, and also a super cool blog (hehe). But in all seriousness… if your mother cannot respect you and treat you as an adult and be PROUD of what you’ve become, then she doesn’t deserve to be a part of it all. Maybe she will finally realize that she can’t treat you this way. Be strong, Anna. I know you can be. And not that you ever would, but if you want to rant or talk or rave at someone who can somewhat relate, then I’m all ears.

*massive e-hugs*
<3

*hug* I think that distancing yourself from her is definitely the best thing you can do.

Of all of the buttons that I have on me, there are two that are equal in size and importance.
1. Arrogance / lack of compassion
2. Passing Judgement

IMHO, ‘Mom’ on her first vetting of the pub, made a bad call. She, in that pre-grandma/aunt visit, decided that it was more important to satisfy her mom on Anna’s Birthday than it was to satisfy Anna….

…on HER BIRTHDAYYYYY!!!!!!!~!!!!!@#$#$^TADFSVADF
(which she forgot until reminded btw)

The next mistake she made, was to assume that I would be okay with this, and that I wouldn’t have a voice in the matter, and or any influence over what we would do.

The next mistake she made, was that in fact, as expected, Grandma (as Grandma’s do) wanted Anna (the Birhtday girl) to do whatever the hell she wanted on her birthday (that’s what Grandma’s always do!!!!).

Then, the next mistake she made, was to whisper to Anna that even though, grandma was fine going where anna wanted to go, to whisper to anna close enough that I could hear on the floor, that she ‘disapproved’ and wanted to go somewhere else..

…on ANNA’s BIRTHDAY!$#!@$sdkjfaksldjjadklf
:exasperated:

Even though I was extremely put out by Anna’s Mother’s behavior, I had gotten ready and decided to spend time with the visitting family, ..but..when I heard this… I was so disghusted… that, as Anna said… I..as gracefully as I could.. bowed out (back pain / exhaustion / whatever….).

Take it to my grave? Fuck you Lynn.

Again, although it wasn’t a flashy birthday this year, Happy Birthday my Love.

Your Man in the grave,
Love,
-Ben