I participate in most of The Oatmeal’s Kickstarters because each one is more awesome than the next. Somehow I ended up getting TWO of his coloring books, Penis Fairies and Queef Storms – An Adult Coloring Book by The Oatmeal. I don’t really need TWO penis fairy coloring books which is good news for you! Because you can have one if you win!
And because you can’t color 1000 year boners or queef storms if you don’t have coloring pencils, I picked up a 36 pack of colored pencils and a sharpener to send with it so you can get to coloring right away.
I gave you 12 ways to enter this time plus added 2 that you can do daily if you want. So, get to it! PENIS FARIRIES AWAIT!
At 3:10AM this morning my alarm went off to go pick Cassidy up from work at the local outlet mall. Ben and I dropped her off last night at 7:00PM on the way home from a DELICIOUS Thanksgiving dinner with my mom and brothers and the parking lot was already completely full. PEOPLE ARE CRAZY.
Anyway, my alarm went off at 3:10AM and after hitting snooze once, I got up to go get her. I fell asleep with my clothes on so that I could just slip into some flip-flops and walk out the door. But this stopped me and I had to take a picture because HOW CUTE ARE THEY!? Kumo is like, “WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?” And Agent Romanoff is like, “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND YOUR BUTT IS WARM!”
So anyway, after the photo I stumbled into the bathroom then grabbed my glasses, put on my flip-flops and started heading downstairs.
I walked out of the bedroom and realized that OMG WHY CAN’T I SEE!? And this is how the brain of a worrier works.
OMG I AM GOING BLIND.
Don’t be stupid you don’t just suddenly go blind.
OMG MAYBE IT’S AN ANEURYSM!
Wait, those are instant, right? Don’t be stupid, you aren’t having an aneurysm.
OMG! IS MY BLOOD PRESSURE SPIKING?! IS IT A HEART ATTACK!? FUCK! WHAT’S THE HEART ATTACK ACRONYM!?
WHAT ABOUT THE STROKE ACRONYM!? OMG AM I HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND A STROKE AT THE SAME TIME?!
No, sudden blindness is not one of the symptoms of STOP or FAST. STOP BEING STUPID!
Should I wake up Ben?! What will I even say!? TAKE ME TO THE ER! I CAN’T SEE SOMETHING IS WRONG I AM PROBABLY DYING!
Wait, I should verify I’m dying first. How do you so that? Should I take my temperature? What is the temperature of a dying person? Pulse? DO I EVEN HAVE A PULSE AT THIS POINT?! OMG AM I EVEN BREATHING!?
Then I took my glasses off and realized I could see! It was a miracle! Except, no, I just fell asleep with my contacts in.
When I woke up later this morning I had to laugh about it and thought it would be funny to look at the NEST video to see how stupid I looked and that’s when I realized all this happened in my brain in about a half a second.
I will never understand why my brain does this. WORSE CASE SCENARIO FIRST, ALL PLAUSIBLE EXPLANATIONS SECOND! I’ve gotten MUCH better at dealing with it in a daily basis. Ben is a great sounding board so if I can’t manage to talk myself off he ledge, he is always there to listen and remind me that I am COMPLETELY overreacting about something. I wish my brain would get a clue and stop this insane process but at the very least I’m able to look back and laugh about it now.
Oh hi, here’s an update on my life in bullets. Because bullets are fun and I am lazy.
I’m 1.5 months into treating my lifelong psoriasis with Enbrel. So far the side effects have been, on a scale from Fucking Miserable to YAY NOTHING, about a Not Fun. Nausea the day after each injection, weird itchy red spots where I inject and CRAZY oily skin. Oh yes, INJECT. I’ll have to write about the time I gave myself the first shot and I had to sit on the floor because I was scared I’d pass out. That was fun!
Tonight I ate half a pecan pie for dinner.
We got a new kitten named Agent Romanoff she is equal parts adorable and asshole. She’s adorable most of the time. She’s an asshole between the hours of 11:00PM and 5:00AM.
I bought a Nest Cam so that I can spy on the dogs when we’re not home except it turns out that dogs are actually incredibly boring once you leave and just sleep on the couch all day. And when you use the Nest Cam’s speaker to tell them to get off the couch they look the camera straight on, lick their genitals, roll over, and fall back asleep. They are so boring that I’m seriously considering buying one of the outside cameras so that I can spy on my neighborhood instead.
I bought a camera that takes really decent video and have been uploading more to my YouTube channel. I’m considering doing a weekly vlog type thing (I don’t get how people do that DAILY) but we’ll see. It’s more work than I thought it would be and most of it is Cassidy and I making fart jokes and singing gangster rap in my car or her rolling her eyes at my Mom Jokes.
I finally started watching Poldark because so many of my friends loved it. I too loved it till the last episode and now I hate Ross. I might have to acquire the last episode to just get it over with before it’s release here in the US because I just want closure and for it to be over. I can’t remember the last time I was so disappointed in a fictional character. GODDAMMIT, ROSS.
I really want to write more but there are video games to play and Ben just said there is still pie left.
The End.
Just kidding! I have another giveaway coming soon! That was fun and I’m excited to do one again! Stay tuned!
Anyway, my alarm went off at 3:10AM and after hitting snooze once, I got up to go get her. I fell asleep with my clothes on so that I could just slip into some flip-flops and walk out the door. But this stopped me and I had to take a picture because HOW CUTE ARE THEY!? Kumo is like, “WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?” And Agent Romanoff is like, “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND YOUR BUTT IS WARM!”
We got a new kitten named Agent Romanoff she is equal parts adorable and asshole. She’s adorable most of the time. She’s an asshole between the hours of 11:00PM and 5:00AM.