Month: October 2015

Hans does not like the dogs. Like, not even a little. Specifically he does not like Kumo because while Danica will just ignore that Hans exists like all other living things, whenever Kumo sees Hans he basically flips his shit. OMG LOOK IT’S HANS WHAT IS HANS DOING IS HANS GOING TO COME IN HERE PERHAPS IF I RUN AT HIM LIKE A LUNATIC HE WILL LIKE ME FINALLY!

We dance a delicate little dance here every day in which we have to make sure that Hans is nowhere in sight if the dogs come upstairs and Hans will only come downstairs after the dogs are in our room for the night. Every morning at the disgusting hour of 5:00AM he meets me at the bottom of the stairs so we can discuss important matters such as who we’re going to vote for in the upcoming primary election, how best to solve the Israeli Palestinian conflict, and which faucet hardware we think will best match the new vanity in the downstairs bathroom. Or I just sprinkle some catnip on the ground and watch him writhe around in a stoned frenzy.

So it wasn’t out of the ordinary when I came downstairs last night at 11:00PM, because I got a call from Cassidy asking to be picked up after the homecoming game, to find Hans down there ready to chat. I had just woken up from a blissfully deep sleep and kind of stumbled towards the door trying not to trip over the dog beds and toys and was completely thrown off when Hans ran out the door when I opened it.

I immediately dropped my phone and clutch on the floor and ran out the door after him. Luckily I was able to grab him without a lot of trouble while he was still in the front yard and ran back towards the front door just in time to see the dogs come barreling down the stairs and towards the front door. This, of course, caused Hans to freak the fuck out and so I grabbed the door and slammed it shut in front of me.

So there I am, outside in a long tshirt and knee high socks, no phone to call Ben, no way I can open the front door and no way I can put Hans down even though he’s currently trying to claw my face off.

I opened the door about an inch and called for Ben (not too loud because I don’t want the neighbors to think I’m crazy) to call the dogs upstairs but Ben doesn’t answer because he’s BLISSFULLY ASLEEP like I should be at 11:00PM. This is not working.

So I get the idea to use the keypad to open the garage door thinking I’ll just drop Hans in the there till I can get back from picking Cassidy up and deal with it then. Except once the garage door is closed and I can finally let go of the animal that had chosen to impale his claws into my side like a goddamn velociraptor, I go to open the door to the house and OF COURSE it’s locked because why would the door NOT be locked at 11:00PM at night!?

MOTHERFUCKER

The next few ideas are not good ones.

Put the cat in the M3 till I can get inside and get the dogs upstairs? A gif of Ben’s head exploding over and over again running through my head means NO.

Put the cat in the Volkswagon? Again, NO.

Put the cat in my car, pick up Cassidy, deal with it when I get home? Nope! Key is in the clutch inside the front door!

Try and open the garage door and get out without letting Hans out?! HAHAHHHAHHAHHA NO.

So I pick him up while trying to keep a tight grip on all the pointy parts and open the garage door, walk to the front door, open it an inch and start yelling at Ben at the top of my lungs because fuck the neighbors I’m over this comedy act.

As I’m screaming at the top of my lungs in my long tshirt and knee high socks while holding my cat that’s screeching equally as loud and trying to eat my ear with his last means of defense I hear footsteps behind me because this is the exact moment that a group of teenage boys choose to walk past my house.

BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE IS A GROUP OF WITNESSES.

Ben finally calls the dogs upstairs and I’m able to detach Hans’ teeth from the side of my face and finally, FINALLY, he is inside the house.

When I got home from picking Cassidy up I walked upstairs and stood in the hallway where I could see Hans on Cassidy’s bed, Danica on her bed and Kumo in bed with Ben. All of them just chilling there like nothing happened and everybody was just swell and I finally flipped.

I pointed at Hans and yelled, “YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.”

I pointed at Danica and yelled, “YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.”

I pointed at Kumo and yelled, “YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.”

“YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES!”

Then Ben yelled at me to be quiet LIKE I WAS THE ASSHOLE IN THIS SITUATION.

No, BLISSFULY ASLEEP BEN, the asshole in this situation is the ball of fur currently snuggled into your side waiting for me to get back in bed so he can fart.

The End.

Did I ever tell you about Boozle Filbert Greenleaf Hirsch the 1st? I don’t think that I did. Not here anyway.

So I won a plant at our monthly all hands meeting at work and because I have to name EVER LIVING THING at work, I asked the internet for the best names for him. One name just didn’t seem like enough for such a majestic creature so I finally decided on Boozle Filbert Greenleaf Hirsch the 1st. And yes, I call him by his full name when we talk about him at work.

Coworker: Do you need me to water your plant while you’re gone?
Me: No, I gave Boozle Filbert Greenleaf Hirsch the 1st enough water to last till I get back.

I named the squirrel that always hangs around our window Toby. And the turtle that likes to sun himself on the rock in the pond is Tank. My coworkers have even adopted my neurotic tendencies and call these animals by name now when they give me updates.

Coworker: I saw Tank sunning himself today!

I like to think that they find it endearing. Ben, on the other hand, apparently finds it pretty annoying because I brought a new plant home tonight and realized when I went to plant it that he had moved the potting soul. Actually, he didn’t MOVE it, he THREW IT AWAY. Because he hated Chester Copperpot BEFORE HE EVEN MET HIM. I called him to find out where the soil was…

Me: Where did you put the potting soil?
Ben: I threw it away because it was old and dried out.
Me: NOOOOOOOO! I bought a new plant for my indoor pot and I need it!
Ben: Oh well! Guess you’ll have to get more!
Me: I named him.
Ben: I don’t need to know the plant’s name.
Me: His name is Chester Copperpot and he is offended.
Ben: Did you need something else? I’m driving.
Me: I’m going to eat breakfast for dinner.

So here is Chester Copperpot (and Kumo in the background who is scared of him… yes, our pitbull mix is scared of the new PLANT.) He is a “money tree” according to the label and I admit I haven’t done a TON of research yet but I assume the cash buds will start sprouting soon.

First, before we get into the spa day, this is what I woke up to. This right here is the window I looked out every morning of every summer of my childhood. Well, the trees are quite a bit bigger now but it’s the same awesome window and the same awesome view and if I could possibly transport this window and this view home I’d be happy forever and ever. The end.

So on Day 2 my aunt had arranged for us to have some facials and a massage at Osiris and IT. WAS. AMAZING. From the second you walk in you are pampered and treated and just made to feel FABULOUS.

We started by changing into these fabulous robed that Cassidy gladly models below. I asked her to smile. *sigh*

After we had our robes on they gave us a tour of the facility and it was just so zen and beautiful and quiet and smelled delicious. All around were these little planters with little fairy scenes in them. I love the one on the left with the guitar because she reminded me of Cassidy.

After the tour my aunt, Cassidy and I soaked in the hot tub for awhile. They also had a steam shower and a sauna but we were in Pennsylvania! All you have to do to experience a wet, humid heat is walk outside!

After soaking for a bit we changed out of our suits and relaxed by this AMAZING coy pond. Seriously, it was the size of most swimming pools and some of the pools were almost as big as Danica!

Then we got called in for our treatments. A facial for me, my aunt and Cassidy and then a full body massage for my mom. She had to have a massage because she got a spray tan before she left and didn’t want it to be washed off her face because she is pale and silly.

BEST. FACIAL. EVER. I mean it. Hands down. My aunt gave me the products used as a gift and I’ve been using them and LOVING them ever since. I’m planning on doing a blog post on these items because they are THAT GOOD. SO GOOD. PERFECT AND AWESOME.

When I came out Cassidy was doing what she does best. Eating all the snacks she could get on her plate. They had a really nice selection of snacks and drinks that you could just grab for as long as you were there.

After that we headed back to the house and Cassidy found a friend. She had never actually seen a hairy caterpillar so she was pretty ecstatic.

While my aunt and uncle were cooking us a delicious pork chops for dinner my grandpa David told me to go outside because he wanted to show me something. THIS VAN. It drove us across the entire country for my most favorite road trip of all time. We stopped so many awesome places along the way. Bryce Canyon, Carlsbad Caverns, the Grand Canyon, Graceland and so many other cool places. I really need to get those photos digitized.

It’s so funny because whenever my grandpa talks about that trip the first thing he always recalls is that at the time I had LA Gear shoes that had three shoelaces in each shoe so they’d have to warn me we’d be stopping at least 10 minutes in advance to lace my shoes. But come on, those shoes were AWESOME. Pretty sure these are the exact shoes.

My uncle Craig came over and we ate those delicious pork chops and talked and laughed and enjoyed the warm summer evening.

After that I feel into another night of perfect Pennsylvania sleep.

SEVENTEEN. I just don’t have words. But I do have two photos that perfectly sum up the person she is right now in life which is: AWESOME.

I’ve spent quite a bit of time in counseling trying to learn ways to cope with what happens exactly a year from today when she’s no longer going to need me. I know LOGICALLY they don’t suddenly stop needing you at 18 but my HEART doesn’t seem to want to get the message. I know she will be okay. She is an amazing kid with an endless amount of potential and is so much smarter than she believes herself to be.

I am equal parts scared out of my mind to let go to let her grow and excited to get to know the woman she’s going to become.

When I realized that my mom had booked tickets for 6:45AM OMG WHY I decided it would probably be best to stay at her house before the flight so that I could sleep in as late as humanly possible since her place is only a few miles from the airport. Then she came in at 3:00AM to do WORK STUFF AT THREE AM OMG WHY. So I got about an hour of sleep.

As soon as we landed in Las Vegas people’s true nature shined. Mom immediately found a Brighton store and proceeded to build and buy herself a new charm bracelet. Cassidy immediately sought out a food place she had never eaten to try something new. It was chili cheese fries from Nathan’s Hot Dogs. At 8:00AM. I found the closest Wheel of Fortune slot machine and proceeded to lose an amount of money I will not disclose because Ben’s brain might explode.

Once everybody had shopped, been fed and lost the appropriate amount of money we sat at our gate and Cassidy and mom requested that I French braid their hair so I did that. While I was braiding, my mom and Cassidy started to fight about who should get to sit by the window because we all wanted to see the country on the Vegas to Pittsburgh leg of the trip. Eventually we all decided we would take turns so Cassidy got this leg, sat by the window and immediately proceeded to sleep the entire four hour flight.

Mom and I dealt with this travesty and not being able to see the country by drinking rum and cokes an eating the hummus I grabbed right before boarding.

I did manage to grab the middle seat when we were landing so I got to see all the GREEN. This is my favorite part of the flight back east. When you land pretty much anywhere in California it’s just concrete jungle for miles and miles but back east it’s all nature and beautiful and trees and GREEN.

Pennsylvania is very proud of their history so I took a very serious picture with the founder of our country.

My grandpa David is an awesomely unique dude and when we got into his van when he picked us up there were two GPS units and a message he’d printed out taped to the glove box.

I wish I could say that I had more pictures of this day but I was pretty exhausted and spent the entire trip to my aunt’s house with my face glued to the window just taking in all the sights and memories that would flood back when I recognized things. Then we got to eat an amazing dinner my aunt made us while we visited and caught up and laughed and I never even thought to pick up my phone or take a picture of my food. It was great.

It was really crazy to be back in the house I lived in every summer. It was different but SO much the same. The same smells, the same sounds and that feeling of it being my second home was pretty much immediate. I love it there. I went to bed that night listening to the crickets chirping and the wind blowing and the sounds I remember falling asleep to all those summer nights and fell into the most awesome kind of deep sleep.