Month: April 2010

So now that the first week is over and I feel like I have some distance between our rocky start, I’m ready to introduce the newest member of our family:

I call her bean because that’s what she reminds me of. And she is SO A FEMALE. Within a day of owning her I had to replace her battery. Then after I got that fixed she had some moisture leak into her cylinders (a known issue) and we had to take her back to the dealership for some TLC.

BUT! Now she’s great. I didn’t realize till after we had gotten her that she was a fully loaded model. Smart key (YAY for not having to pull the keys out of the bottemless vortex of my purse to unlock, start or lock the car), premium audio, six disk changer, navigation, side curtain airbags, Bluetooth, you name it, the car has it.

It’s not as fast as the M3, or as pretty as the M3, or as fun to drive as the M3… but the M3 got 23 miles per gallon (I drive 100 miles a day) and this little bean has been averaging 42 miles per gallon on my work commute. Instead of using 5 gallons of gas to get to work, I’m only using 2! And instead of buying premium gas, I’m buying regular. Every time I put gas in the car my heart sings a happy song.

But the ultimate selling point for me comes from these:

Those little yellow gems are carpool lane access stickers. AND. THEY. FUCKING. ROCK.

In NorCal, carpool lanes work a little differently than they do in SoCal. The carpool lane only requires 2 or more people between 5:00AM-9:00AM and 3:00PM-6:00PM. All other times they are open to everybody. BUT! With these stickers I can ride the lane all the way to work and back and so far, it’s cut 15 minutes off my normally 45-60 minute morning commute and another 15 off my 40-50 minute afternoon commute. That’s 20-30 less minutes in the car a day. 2.5 hours a WEEK! 10 hours a month!

OF MY LIFE!

IN THE CAR!

I have to admit there have been a few times I’ve seen a sports car out there and felt a twinge of regret but then I hit that Fuel Consumption button and again, HEART SONG! Six months ago if you told me that I’d be driving a Prius, and LOVING IT, I’d have laughed in your face. But now, I look back at myself from six month ago and want to yell STOP WASTING THAT MONEY, IDIOT!

All of Cassidy’s inbound email is sent to me. I get it ALL and unfortunately she’s new enough to this whole email thing that she gets all that crap “FORWARD THIS TO FIVE FRIENDS AND SEVEN GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU NINE DAYS BEFORE THE FIFTH DAY OF THE SIXTH MONTH FOUR YEARS FROM NOW” emails. It hurts. 99% of the time I just delete them when I see the first line teaser without ever opening them. But there’s that unfortunate 1% of the time that I get click happy and open them.

This is one that somebody sent to my ELEVEN YEAR OLD daughter this year. Because, you know, poison her mind with your biased, close-minded conservative bullshit while she’s still young:

LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT.

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET

1 – A JOB,
2 – A DRIVERS LICENSE,
3 – SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
4 – WELFARE,
5 – FOOD STAMPS,
6 – CREDIT CARDS,
7 – SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
8 – FREE EDUCATION,
9 – FREE HEALTH CARE,
10 – A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
11 – BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
12 – AND THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH RESPECT

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION…

And really, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! THIS! This is why I don’t read this bullshit but since I was TRICKED by my MOUSE BUTTON into reading this I feel like I just need to say a few things. For your sake, I’m not going to capslock it because I don’t have as much hate in my heart as this emailer. NOT ENOUGH HATE.

In North Korea you aren’t allowed to speak your mind unless it’s in agreement with the government.

In Iran they will hang you in public for robbery.

In Afghanistan, women aren’t allowed to work, own property, walk in public alone, go to school and the list goes ON AND ON. Oh also? If a woman is raped, it’s perfectly legal for her husband to kill her for bringing shame to the family.

Is Saudia Arabia, a 13 year old girl getting caught with a camera phone in school is punished with 80 lashings in front of her fellow students AND two months in prison.

I could go on, but I think I’ve made the point pretty clear*. So really, WE are the ones that have it wrong? Fantastic! If I find the guy that stole my bike from our garage a few months ago, maybe I should hang him from the tree in our front yard since, you know, clearly these countries have the right idea…

(*And I also won’t point out that ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS do NOT get all those things and anybody that thinks you can just walk across the border and are handed a social security card, a job and a place to live is a goddamned idiot.)

You know that scene in Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom where Mola Ram rips out that guy’s heart and it catches on fire but the guy keeps breathing and, you know, FREAKING THE FUCK OUT?

Yeah, I have a feeling that poor guy was slightly better off than I was when Cassidy told me today that she’s ready to control her own blog already SERIOUSLY MOM. She’s been wanting to for awhile and I kept making up excuses why NO YOU CAN NOT but she’s 11 now and calls me on my bullshit excuses. THE NERVE!

The comment is what really killed me.

KILLED.

ME.

I just don’t think the internet, or my heart, is ready for all this.