Like a small fart in the ocean.

I like to do this thing with Cassidy in the car where I mock her pop music by changing the lyrics around. I’ll start loudly singing then change the words just enough to make a completely sweet song into something it ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT BE. When she was younger she’d MOOOOOOOOOOOM me and become really annoyed. But now that she has a more developed sense of humor often times we end up laughing like a bunch of lunatics.

Today? She ACTUALLY SANG ALONG WITH ME. As this song was playing I started to realize that if you just changed the word “fight” to “fart” (and a few other small changes I bolded below) it suddenly became pretty much the best song every written in all of history.

I have embedded the video so that you can sing along with my new, much more awesome, lyrics.

Like a small FART in the ocean
Sending big waves into motion
Like how a single FART
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those times I didn’t FART
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will FART them loud tonight
Can you hear my FART this time

This is my FART song
Take back my FART song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my FART song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
Cause I’ve still got a lot of FART left in me

Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep
Everybody’s worried about me
In too deep
Say I’m in too deep
And it’s been two years
I miss my FART
But there’s a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those times I didn’t FART
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will FART them loud tonight
Can you hear my FART this time

This is my FART song
Take back my FART song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my FART song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
Cause I’ve still got a lot of FART left in me

Like a FART boat in the ocean
Sending big waves into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my FART song
Take back my FART song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my FART song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
Cause I’ve still got a lot of FART left in me
Now I’ve still got a lot of FART left in me

Now that I’ve finished this post I’m realizing that perhaps HER sense of humor didn’t become more developed, maybe I’ve just regressed to having the sense of humor of a 16 year old and at that age farts are still funny.

Yeah, no. Farts are ALWAYS funny, I don’t care how old I get.

And thanks for reminding me that you can buy an education but you can’t buy class.

The other day I got two delightful comments on my blog post about Hoda Kotb and Kathy Lee Gifford from SEVEN YEARS AGO. It had been three year since I’d received a comment from another internet illiterate bored housewife commenting on that post like they were talking directly to the ladies on the show so I assumed it had fallen off the Google index. Both good and bad. Good because the level of stupid in those comments made my left eye twitch and bad because it was a delightful little treat when they would pop up randomly in my email.

These new comments were special because the first one reprimanded my grammar… then she followed up 5 minutes later with an actual on point comment. I thought this was odd so, against my better judgment, I decided to respond. Below is the exchange.

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I know that Ben is reading this with a sly grin on his face because I am a complete Grammar Nazi but more about STUPID mistakes (your, you’re, there, their, they’re, to, too, etc) but COME ON. I add an extra word on a rant post from SEVEN YEARS AGO and you expect me to be, what? Gracious that your first comment ever on my blog was to criticize? Does that make you feel better, Evan?

I mean, you ARE a professional. You are so motherfucking professional that you didn’t even make a single mistake when you left that brilliant comment about how nice your bankruptcy lawyer was in 2010!

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And your videos for your public speaking class? They are NEXT LEVEL professional!

Good luck on that Master’s Degree, Evan! And thanks for reminding me that you can buy an education but you can’t buy class.

Have a nice day!

Diagnosis: (Probably) Chron’s

Not going to go into the entire ordeal now because: TOO LONG.

Short story, in the last two weeks I went to urgent care twice, doctor’s office, three day hospital stay, back to the doctor, had a sigmoidoscopy and finally have a diagnosis. It’s actually been a MUCH LONGER process than that. It all started a few years ago when I had a horrible flare up in my colon then again last February which led to a colonoscopy. The problem with the colonoscopy was that it took so long to schedule that by the time I went in the flare up was over and my colon was in perfect working order.

This time when I went in for my post hospital checkup I mentioned that I’d had blood in my poop that afternoon so the doctor squeezed me in for the sigmoidoscopy the very next morning. He wanted to see my colon DURING a flare up to see what was actually happening.

My colon was a MESS. Here the top picture is from me colonoscopy February of 2014, bottom is my colon in June filled with ulcers!

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Here are some much larger ulcers:

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And here you can see the inflammation. The wall of the colon should be smooth here like it is in the first picture above. All that white “fluff” is inflammation. SEE: PAINFUL

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Since this was taken I’ve been living on the FODMAP diet, had a pill endoscopy (will post photos once I have them), lost 14 pounds, still bleed pretty much daily. Chrons is NOT the diagnosis I want. It’s SUCKS not to be able to eat the foods I love, but I am SO RELIEVED that at least now I have some direction and a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve had these stomach issues for as long as I can remember. As far back as high school! Now I can get on some maintenance medication although my end goal is to get my diet figured out enough that I can get off meds and mostly control the chrons by eating non-trigger foods.

It’s been SUCH a long and hard and frustrating road but I could not be more thankful to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. (SO MANY BUTT JOKES!)

True Story Tuesday: Farts Happen

Most normal days:

Me: *fart*
Ben: Honey!
Cassidy: MOM, SERIOUSLY!?
Me: It’s a NATURAL REACTION TO FOOD! GOD!
Ben: *sigh*
Cassidy: *slams door*

In the hospital after the nurse asking me for two days if I’ve been able to pass gas yet:

Me: *farts*
Ben: GOOD JOB!
Me: Seriously?
Ben: YEAH!

Being really sick did have SOME upsides.

Welcome to our “Neighborhood Watch” Facebook group:

  1. A lot of bikes get stolen in Gilroy.
  2. A vast majority of the community do not know the difference between “your” and “you’re”.
  3. Even fewer know the difference between “their”, “there”, and “they’re”.
  4. People really don’t like fireworks but can’t be bothered to actually attempt to figure out who is setting them off so that they can stop them. It’s far more productive to complain about it on the Facebook page.
  5. Letting your dog off leash on a mostly deserted trail where you usually never see another human or dog is exactly as bad as attempted murder of a child. SAME THING!
  6. People very often mistake the page for Google and ask things they could easily answer themselves.
  7. In the comment thread of these useless questions they will receive the exact same answer from approximately 358,413,543 people that didn’t check the comments before posting.
  8. Then at least one argument will break out over whether that topic actually belongs on the page.
  9. Any time there is an accident in a 50 mile radius, Peggy will post a screenshot of the Pulse Point phone app that includes exactly ZERO information about the accident except a location.
  10. 2,345,315,364 comments will follow asking for information that nobody has or will give the information they received from their brother’s friend’s cousin’s barber.
  11. 74,293 will comment with one word: “prayers”
  12. If your car has a scratch on it anywhere FOR THE LOVE OF GOD don’t park in on the street where people will have to look at it. Be a good commoner and park it in your garage so that the good people of the land aren’t subjected to that filth.
  13. If you hear the neighbor’s baby crying for more than 15 minutes a few times a week you definitely need to let CPS and the cops know because those parents are bad and clearly don’t know how to raise a child. Also, inform the Facebook page so we can all properly ridicule said parent.
  14. If you have a problem with a neighbor’s barking dog, don’t just call he non-emergency police line to report it, FIRST post it to the Facebook page so that we can all pat you on the back for being a passive-aggressively perfect neighbor.
  15. BANG HEAD REPEATEDLY AGAINST KEYBOARD
Neighborhood Watch

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