СВЕТИ ГЕОРГИActual conversation in the car on the way home from dinner:

Cassidy: Mom, how did you meet Julie?
Ben: In a strip club.
Me: OMG we did NOT MEET in s STRIP CLUB. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN?! DUDE!
Cassidy: hahahaah So, how did you meet her?
Me: Street racing.
Ben: BECAUSE THAT IS SO MUCH BETTER!
Me: Yes, it is.

Naked dancer or criminal street racer. Pick your poison.

My poison was driving fast down long straight farm roads in the dead of night.

Moral: Julie and I met while BEING AWESOME.

БогородицаI’m bored and all you people need to amuse me so ASK! QUESTIONS! Going to try and answer AT LEAST two a week in a video. They’ll be crappy iPhone videos but still. I’m lazy and don’t want to type so instead you all get to see my awesome mug. I promise next time to put SOMETHING on my face other than brownie crumbs. I forgot my makeup bag at home today so never put any on and wasn’t about to for a 2 minute video. HA!

GO!

So about a month ago I decided that I needed to eat Mexican food or I would die after physically harming every living creature within 75 miles. I might have been a little premenstrual. Or a lot, whatever.

I love Mexican food. When I want to feel like a kid again, it’s my go to meal. I was lucky enough to be raised with a Mexican extended family. Like, REAL Mexican. Not that Americanized crap you get in a restaurant with premade tortillas and rice from a mix. Enchiladas made with love, mole made with 84 ingredients and simmered ALL DAY LONG then eaten with a batch of tortillas made fresh that day with REAL ACTUAL LARD from a tub. Real Mexican food is made with tubs of lard. TUBS OF LARD, PEOPLE.

Ben: Why do you want Mexican food?
Me: I don’t WANT Mexican food, I need it.
Ben: …
Me: Don’t look at me like that. LOOK AT MY OVARIES!
Ben: You are going to feel like shit later.
Me: No I won’t. Mexican food is MAGIC.
Ben: Yes, stomach aches are magic.
Me: Enchiladas.
Ben: Endless bathroom trips.
Me: Nachos.

We ended up getting Mexican food. Before I put my fork down the magic stomach ache started. As we were leaving the restaurant I started to blame Ben for allowing me to make such a stupid, estrogen driven decision. WHAT WAS HE THINKING!?

I was up ALL NIGHT LONG. The cramps. And the magic stomach ache.

It was bad.

So the next morning I was up before everybody else which is not something that happens on a weekend. EVER.

Cassidy was walking downstairs as I was sitting on the couch after having spent about 20 agonizing minutes in the downstairs bathroom finally ridding myself of all that lardy Mexican poison. LARD IS POISON, PEOPLE!

Cassidy: *deep breath*
Me: *looks innocent* Dude, sorry. I totally turned the fan on.
Cassidy: Did you make… bacon?
Me: What?
Cassidy: It smells like bacon, did you make breakfast?
Me: WHAT!?
Cassidy: I smell bacon!
Me: The only thing I’ve made today is POOP!
Cassidy: What?
Me: I made poop and YOU THINK IT SMELLS LIKE BACON!
Cassidy: EWWWWWWWWW!
Me: HAHAHAHA Mexican food is MAGIC!

For the past month when anybody needs to, you know, do THAT BUSINESS in the bathroom we refer to it as “makin’ bacon” or “I’m going to go make bacon”.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Mexican food is MAGIC.
2. Teenager are actually CRAZY.
3. My poop smells like BACON. Fuck roses, man. BACON!

MAGIC. CRAZY. BACON.

IN ALL CAPS.

Aren’t you glad I blogged now, honey?

While watching the funeral scene in Grand Torino there were people carrying in platters PILED with food on them for the old grouchy guy because his wife died and I guess they assumed that men aren’t capable of making a sandwich or something.

Me: We should pretend like I died. For the food. Then, when people get here we can be all HAHAH JUST KIDDING… but leave the eggrolls.
Ben: I think that’s a good idea. But let’s not pretend.
Me: …
Ben: haha I was kidding.
Me: I am blogging this right now.
Ben: Why are you suddenly blogging everything I’m saying!?

Because, Ben! There needs to be a public record of things like this. Now watch, when I die, YOU AREN’T GOING TO GET ANY EGGROLLS!

HA!

Ben is pretty awesome at a lot of things. LOTS! Like, he’s very good at never EVER leaving a toilet seat up. He’s a champion cookie eater. And he’s the best dog cuddler you will EVER MEET.

But one thing he’s far above average at is driving. We joke back and forth quite often (mainly I joke) about who is a better driver but he is hands down one of the best drivers I’ve ever gotten into a car with. And I don’t just mean every day driving around town. I mean like, get him on a track and he will give you a ride like you have never had before. The times I rode with him I often hopped between THIS IS TOTALLY AWESOME and OMG WE ARE GOING TOO FAST TO MAKE THAT TURN then followed that up by I AM GOING TO HURL GET ME OUT OF THIS CAR!!

Watching these videos often makes me nauseated. When you are in the car, those high speed turns, the force of the car fighting against what all the laws of nature say should not be possible… the video just doesn’t do it justice. It’s a pretty awesome feeling.

Ben hasn’t driven like that since his accident. I know he misses it. It’s in his nature.

So Monday when he sent me an email about going Karting with some of the guys from work I was like YES! GO DO THAT! Because Ben after driving fast is the best kind of Ben to be around.

I was totally kidding.

Kind of.

But I had no doubt that he’d come home with these:

It’s a good thing too because he’s also an excellent source of heat on cold nights. I can’t imagine how much it would cost me to have to try and stay warm if he wasn’t around.

Tonight as Ben was explaining something to me:

Ben: It’s happening consistently and regularly.
Me: Consistently and regularly is redundant.
Ben: You aren’t contributing to the conversation.
Me: I’m contributing to your education.
Ben: You are contributing to my hand to your face.
Me: HAHAHAH! BLOGGING THIS RIGHT NOW!

<3

This is normal. I wouldn’t have it any other way.