aflux.net

In which I show you pictures of what’s in my butt.

About 73 people told me before my colonoscopy that the prep was the worst part and I could just not wrap my head around the fact that PREP could be worse than having a probe stuck 5 feet up your butt. MAN WAS I WRONG.

The prep is the worst part of a colonoscopy! Quite a few people told me to drink the prep with a straw to “get it past the tongue” but I found that taking a breath out then chugging the 8 ounces was FAR better. Then it’s over in a few seconds and you don’t smell it (which greatly affects taste). I also squeezed some of those water flavoring drops into it which helped some. The prep kicked in about the third 8 ounces. I’d say I was in the bathroom every 15 minutes for about two hour then it slowed down but lasted a total of about 4 hour. The dose the second day was the same but I hated it because I had to get up SO EARLY to take it. Also, I was really starting to fade mentally from the lack of food.

I ate my last full meal late Wednesday night, had nothing to eat Thursday (jello and broth do not count as food!) and then nothing till after the procedure. So I finally ate again Friday at around 4:30PM. I opted for a pretty mild meal of pasta from an Italian place that I love. It’s just angel hair pasta, tomatoes, spinach, olive oil, and garlic. No heavy sauce!

The procedure itself was really nothing. Ben had been trying to convince me for awhile to JUST SLEEP through it but I figured that if I was able to stay awake that I’d want to do that because I really wanted to watch the screen! They gave me one dose of the Feel Really Good and Don’t Care About Anything medication and it worked but I was still pretty awake so the doctor had the nurse give me a second dose. I was still awake but completely in a state of not giving a shit about a single thing. I was able watch him cut out small pieces of my colon to biopsy and absolutely no fucks were given! At one point when turning a corner I could feel the probe and jumped a bit but when the nurse asked me if I wanted more meds I turned it down because it wasn’t really painful, just a REALLY odd feeling.

It was over so fast I was actually a little disappointed because I find that kind of stuff fascinating and how often do you get to see the inside of your body in high rez on a 40″ TV screen?

The good news is that my colon is super healthy. There were no polyps, no inflammation and even nothing in the part of my small intestine where I had the colitis inflammation a month ago. So nothing in there is what’s causing my bowel issues. It still give me piece of mind though knowing that with my family history of colon cancer that mine is in really good shape!

And now, for those of you that are interested in seeing it, here are really fascinating photos of this inside of my body taken on a scope that’s inside my butthole.

These are all of my colon:

Colonoscopy

Colonoscopy

Colonoscopy

This one is the very beginning of my small intestine where the infection was a month ago. Looking perfectly healthy! And I love that you can see the little villi.

Beginning of my small intestine.

Just Sayin’: Carpool Lane Abusers.

In busy areas in California we have carpool lanes, specific lanes designated to vehicles with more than one person created to decrease congestion and coax people into ride sharing. Depending on the area, the laws for the lanes differ. In LA they are designated carpool lanes 24 hours a day and often once you get in one, you have to wait till specific spots to get out or back in. Here in the Bay Area there are areas where you have to have 3 or more people but mostly they are 2 or more. But pretty much everywhere in the Bay Area, they are only carpool lanes 5:00AM to 9:00AM and then 3:00PM till 7:00PM Monday through Friday only. You know, high traffic times. The rest of the time anybody who wants can be in the lane.

No matter where you are in the state, the far left lane, the fast lane, is always the carpool lane. It doesn’t stop becoming a fast lane at 3:00PM, it just becomes a fast lane that cars with more than one person are allowed to be in.

I get really, really, REALLY annoyed when at 2:30PM there is a car with two people doing 68 MPH in the carpool lane with cars flying by them and passing them on the right. Many times it’s old people that probably shouldn’t be driving anyway since they haven’t been able to figure out that it’s NOT A CARPOOL LANE AT 2:30PM EVEN THOUGH THERE IS A SIGN EVERY 50 GODDAMN FEET TELLING YOU THIS IS THE CASE.

The rest of them are just inconsiderate and/or illiterate assholes that think having that extra butt in a seat means they get to drive in the fast lane at 3 MPH over the speed limit blocking traffic and causing cars to play lane tag to get around them. Really, this just slows traffic down and often times leads to rear end accidents that FURTHER slow traffic down and this is exactly why I’ve decided that Carpool Lane Abusers are on my Worst Kind of Human List.

I haven’t exactly compiled a complete list so it’s very short at this point but I plan to add to is as I go along in life. Feel free to offer suggestions! This is what I have so far:

  1. Crack addicts
  2. Carpool Lane Abusers
  3. People that don’t pick up their dog’s poop at the dog park.
  4. People that touch me for any reason unless you are somebody I don’t hate (and even then don’t touch me).

2013 Holiday Review

OH HI INTERNET FRIENDS!

I’m here! I’m alive! I’m a blogging slacker. I keep meaning to start logging my life here again. I always tell people that the biggest reason I blog is to be able to look back in 40 years and remember what happened.

I was going to make a The Notebook/Ryan Gosling joke here but instead I got lost in a sea of HEY GIRL images. STOP SIDETRACKING ME, GOOGLE!

So, Christmas! It happened! And so did New Years! So here, past self, is how we spent the 2013 holiday. I’ve also included pictures to remind you what you looked like before you ROCKED those stunning gray locks.

This was the year that you plugged in the tree to find that several of the strands of white lights had stopped working leaving dark patches on the tree. This was completely unacceptable for you for Control Freak reasons so you decided to remove the lights from the pre-strung tree. You never really liked white lights on the tree and no matter how hard Ben tries to convince you that you were using this as an excuse to get rid of them, it really wasn’t that. It really did just keep you up at night and instead of sleeping you were thinking about all the lights that were out and how are you supposed to sleep when this drama is happening right downstairs and threatening to ruin Christmas for everybody!?

Finally got the tree out of the attic! And a whole level of lights won't work! GAH! Worried I won't be able to fine a strand that matches the same. BOO! I'll try the fuses later. Worst part of a fake tree is having to fluff all the branches one by one to


It only took three and a half hours to completely remove them from the tree and then three and a half days for the feeling to come back to your finger tips.

FINALLY got all these stupid things off the tree. Total time to remove them all: 3.5 HOURS!


The new color lights looked great though! Plus, LED! This was when LED had just started to become really popular. Cars didn’t drive themselves yet and Hoverounds didn’t actually hover!

Almost there! Just need to vacuum and put the skirt down and we will FINALLY be ready for Christmas. Probably. No telling what crazy project I'll get in my head next. Should probably avoid Pinterest!


You got a few new ornaments this year to add to your now extensive geeky ornament collection. The highlight was the Yoda tree topper. The very one you are still using to this day because OMG YODA TREE TOPPER THAT WILL NEVER GET OLD.

These are hanging on our tree now. They were stuffed into Ben's stocking by Santa! Came from ThinkGeek and they are REALLY nice. Heavy, solid ornaments! Highly recommend to any festive geek out there! #thinkgeek #christmas

Colored lights and silver garland and one ornament on the tree! Time to take a break. #christmas #tree #geek #maytheforcebewithyou

Tree is officially complete and ready for presents! #yoda #Christmas #maytheforcebewithyou

You know that adorable sweater you wear to the retirement home’s Christmas party every year? At one point people didn’t appreciate your artistic genius and this is the year that it won your work’s Ugly Christmas Sweater Contest!

DONE! I was going to add lights but I'm too tired for a Target run and I still need to make dinner. It's so horrible. So, so horrible.

BAM! The one girl that always goes ALL OUT seemed annoyed I won because she bought that sweater you put an iPad in and had a fire burning on it but they pointed out it was an UGLY sweater contest and clearly I won The Ugly! ;)

You got some pretty awesome gifts! Including an iPad Mini that Ben “wrapped” in pretzels and cheeseballs!

So Ben told me to open this bag. I had been wondering where the dogs had been getting pretzels to eat for the last few days!! We are really starting to punk each other with wrapping gifts. This bag was filled with like FOUR POINDS OF PRETZELS AND CHEESEBA

“Go in peace my daughter. And remember that, in a world of ordinary mortals, you are a Wonder Woman.” Queen Hippolyte

Cassidy got a guitar and then we didn’t see her for a month straight but we were always able to hear that she was at home!

Face says it all. Pretty sure this was her favorite gift. Good job, Nana!

Ben got some cool gifts too! Including a ride in the Millenium Falcon!

Another gift that Santa brought Ben. #starwars #christmas

All in all it was a fantastic holiday and you really enjoyed yourself! It wasn’t as good as that year that Ben bought you a Ferrari but it was close!

You spent New Years Eve with the always awesome Julie, Chris, Kim and Melanie. I’m not sure how you managed to get together with Julie and only get two pictures. I know, it’s UNTHINKABLE. But there are only two.

*shifty eyes*

This one would have been MUCH cuter if you hadn’t gorged yourself on a 10 ounce filet mignon at dinner at Shadowbrook in Capitola. Then you wouldn’t have immediately ran upstairs to change out of your jeans and into your fat pants as soon as you got home.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

You only made one resolution this year and it was to blog more. Hopefully you stuck to it and have a lot more memories documents for Ryan Gosling to read back to you from his little notebook!

PS – Ben, don’t make this entire blog post a lie. Buy your wife a Ferrari!

#TROLLFACE

This is how you troll yourself on the internet and why my BFF is the BEST BFF.

trollface01


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IT WAS A PACKAGE FOR ME! And there is EVEN A TROLLFACE ON THE LABEL!

It will be displayed under the tree with pride till Christmas day when I cut myself opening it and end up in the ER and it’s ALL JULIE‘S FAULT! WHY ARE YOU RUINING CHRISTMAS, JULIE!?

*hugs*

15 day till Christmas!

Only 15 day till Christmas! That’s just two weeks! I have to admit this year that I am WAY behind where I usually am. Generally the day after Thanksgiving when everybody is out fighting it out in stores for those Black Friday deals, I’m online checking out all the website and making lists and planning on what I’m going to grab on Cyber Monday. I’m a BIG fan of online shopping for Christmas since around this time of year stuff is on sale and you can catch free shipping deals. I’d much rather sit on my couch sipping a mimosa in my PJ while shopping than venture out in the cold to elbow through crowds. Plus, you get to browse all the pretties. Like, I love these necklaces!

HOWEVER, this year I slacked big time. Black Friday I was REALLY sick then on Cyber Monday too! I’ve purchased exactly two items for Christmas so far so I have a LOT of making up to do over the next 15 days. I’m actually a little overwhelmed. I don’t even have a list yet! Not just a list of what I want to get others but a list for what I want too!

So, how about you?